MST3kII
by Xavier Writing
Summary: Mike and the bots are trapped in space... again! They are forced to read the worst fanfics and stories ever written. Enjoy their misery!
1. Episode 1

MST3k2

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of MST3k, neither do I own the original fanfiction.

Episode 1: Mark II

[Int. Mike's apartment]

[Cambot's screen field is observing the bots]

[Crow and Servo are sitting in front of the tv, watching a movie, when Mike comes in carrying groceries. There is a distinctively loud construction sound coming from outside.]

MIKE: Hey guys, what're you watching?

CROW & SERVO : Iron Man.

MIKE: Iron Man? But that's not a bad movie. In fact, I thought it was a hit, what're you doing watching it?

SERVO: Mike, seriously, who said we only had to watch bad movies? I mean really, it's a change to watch something that doesn't make me enter the "c:/run/suicide" command every twenty minutes.

CROW: Plus, the cable company is watching us. If we order one more bad movie, they're going to send men with large butterfly nets for us.

[Mike moves closer to the couch]

MIKE: Because they wouldn't be interested in the sentient, fully automated robots in the living room… eating my deodorant! Guys, seriously?

CROW: I wanted to know what "passion" tasted like…

[The construction noise in the background becomes progressively louder. Servo tries to increase the volume of the tv, but it's at maximum.]

SERVO: What are they doing outside? Moving the highway to the front yard?

MIKE: No, it's just some construction. I asked the guy, he said they were reinforcing the support for the building... and adding a fuel line… and… a launch pad.

[Mike becomes increasingly concerned as he keeps talking. Crow and Servo look at each other, nervous]

CROW: A… launch pad?

[Suddenly, the entire apartment shakes, and the sound of a rocket being launched is heard. Through the windows, the sky moves away. Soon, Planet Earth is but a marble in the horizon. Mike and the bots rush to the windows to witness the tragedy unfolding.]

MIKE: No one at the alumni reunion is going to believe me.

CROW: Noooooooooo!

SERVO: Mike, didn't the launch pad strike you as odd?

MIKE: I thought it was the new hip thing.

CROW: Nooooooooooooo!

[The tv suddenly switches from the Iron Man movie to channel 666; the camera pans over, revealing a messy office with documents scattered everywhere. In the frame suddenly pops a young man with thick black glasses and curly hair.]

THE MAN: Hello, everyone. Mike, you may not know me, but I'm sure your little friends remember me well.

[Crow and Servo just stare blankly]

THE MAN: …Oh come on! I was Doctor Forrester's assistant!

CROW: Frank? If you want, I know a good lawyer who'll sue the plastic surgeon that butchered you.

SERVO: Forrester?

MIKE: You don't remember Forrester?

SERVO: I delete all the memory banks of people who annoy me. I usually put the Mike folder in the recycle bin every Tuesday.

MIKE: What? Hey!

[The man appears to grow impatient and holds up a remote control, with a single click of a button, he vacuums out the air in the apartment. After a few seconds of agony, he allows the air back in.]

MIKE: Ow, cheap shot.

THE MAN: Did that jog your memory?

[Mike and the bots look at each other, unsure]

SERVO: Huh… Pearl?

THE MAN: NO! It's me! Doctor Erdhart!

CROW: Ooooooh… I thought you were eaten by a giant spider.

DR. ERDHART: No, I was at the bathroom.

SERVO: You were at the bathroom for the last 10 years?

DR. ERDHART: I have a shy bladder, and people kept coming in… Imagine my surprise when, after I was finally done, I found out that Joel had escaped, that the Gizmonics' had cut off Clayton's founding and released the Sattelite of Love, and that you were back on Earth.

SERVO: So you decided that Status Quo really is God and launched us back?

DR. ERDHART: Exactly! I spoke with the mysterious board of Shadowy figures at Gizomonics' and they agreed to finance my project. You see, I found a fatal flaw in Clayton's theory: Movies allow the viewers to be passive while watching, and this passivity protects them from the awful movies' effects. If you force the subject to take an active role in his torture, however…

[Dr. Erdhart grabs a large document on his desk]

DR. ERDHART: These are some of the worse fanfics and books ever written! They will break your mind like no movies can! MWA HA HA HA HA!

MIKE: What if I don't want to?

DR. ERDHART: You have the choice, Mike, but that depends on how much you like to breathe.

MIKE: Fine, send us the crap and let's get it over and done with.

DR. ERDHART: The first fanfic I have here is "Harry Potter turns to the Lord", Christian propaganda at its best, the kind of thing that makes all the Jack Chick in the world wet their panties, hohoho…

[The lights in the apartment begin to flash wildly]

MIKE: We've got… er… fanfic sign!

 **-Harry Potter turns** **to the Lord-**

CROW: And is going to moon him.

 **Another sleepless night for the world's most popular child wizard.**

SERVO: Oh, come on! He's seventeen! Every guy his age does that!

CROW: Ain't that true, Mike?

MIKE: What? Er…

 **It's as if he were being haunted, he thought to himself. Haunted by innumerable faceless entities that thrive on his suffering that plague him and force him away from any slumber whatsoever.**

MIKE: Did the author just describe himself?

CROW: Either that or it's the fanbase, I mean they do peek in on his most private moments.

 **It was driving the young English sorceror to his wits end,**

SERVO: That certainly wasn't a long drive.

 **and he could not concentrate during class, a behaviour swiftly noticed by one of his primary instructors, Dumbledore.**

SERVO: Wow, we're 30 seconds into the fic and we already have the first sign of "Did not do research".

MIKE: Dumbledore is not an instructor, he's the headmaster. Or is this some weird alternate reality?

CROW: What do you think?

 **"Mister Potter," his teacher quipped, inquisitively.**

CROW: Mike, How do you quip inquisitively?

MIKE: I… I don't know…

SERVO: I think it's like snapping calmly.

 **"It has come to my attention that you are having difficulty concentrating in class."**

 **"Rubbish," yawned Harry, teetering precariously where he stood.**

MIKE: Rubbish! It's just a hangover!

SERVO: I'll tell YOU when I've had enough butterbeer!

 **"Sleep deprivation, perchance?" the instructor persisted.**

CROW: Wow, Dumbledore really is a great detective.

SERVO: We could use a few more like him at the FBI.

CROW: He'd be captain of the obvious squad.

 **Harry wearily acquiesced. "Yes, sir," he sighed, "Bad dreams."**

 **"Odd," remarked Dumbledore. "Such an occurance seldom happens here at Hogwarts."**

SERVO: Yeah, because lord knows that despite all the ghosts and monsters hidden in the forbidden forests, the constant threat of dark wizards and teachers with dark lords sticking out the back of their heads, children NEVER have nightmares at Hogwarts.

MIKE: I was going to say something, but I think you covered that pretty well.

 **I recommend you take some time off from your studies, else this tiredness takes its toll on you academically. Is that understood, Mister Potter?"**

SERVO: Because that's not going to make you fall behind or anything.

MIKE: Man, and they think the U.S. education system sucks.

 **"Yes. Thank you, sir."**

CROW & SERVO: SUCKER!

 **Not that time off would do him any good. The nightmares were omnipresent, and would not relent, even in the daytime.**

SERVO: There's a word for that, it's called being insane.

CROW: Call the men with the large butterfly nets.

MIKE: So, nobody at the MAGIC school thought that, maybe, the omnipresent nightmares the most popular child wizard was suffering from could've been caused by, I don't know, MAGIC?

SERVO: Mike, stop looking for logic in the No man's land of reason.

 **To clear his mind, Harry decided to take a broomstick flight outside of the Academy Grounds.**

MIKE: I need to reread Harry Potter again, I don't remember him being allowed to do that.

SERVO: He can because it's CONVENIENT to the plot.

CROW: The guy is flying on a broomstick, and you're concerned at the fact a teenager would go outside of the school ground?... Dr. Erdhart is right, this fic is getting to us!

 **He rocketed**

SERVO: Like us earlier!

[Mike looks at him, annoyed]

SERVO: Too soon?

 **over the eastern border and across the murky oceans,**

SERVO: Ocean-S? As in more than one? Now that's going to be a long drive.

MIKE: Wait, the eastern border of what? Isn't he in England?

 **but, to utmost horror, his weariness affected his performance of flight, and the broomstick began to shudder violently as his control of it was hindered.**

MIKE: As opposed to when the broomstick shudders violently when his control of it is perfectly fine.

CROW: He didn't read the notice: Do not operate under the influence of alcohol or medication.

 **He began to plummet.**

MIKE: Just like my suspension of disbelief. If he's an accomplished Quidditch player, this should be no pickle.

CROW: I'm not even sure the author actually got to the part about Quidditch.

 **Incidentally, he was too tired to demonstrate fear**

SERVO: Yeah, forget about things like reflexes and adrenaline.

 **and let the dull roar of the wind loll him into blissful submission, something he had gone without for almost seventy-two hours.**

MIKE: That's one bad time to take a nap.

 **Within no time at all, he was consumed by the icy chill of the waters, and all went dark.**

CROW: Yum! Yummy Harry!

[As Mike and the bots are reading the fic, a slippery serpent-like creature creeps up to them]

CREATURE: Hey guys.

[Man and robots jump and emit girlish high-pitched scream, before settling down. The creature is a robot too, with features oddly reminiscent of Gypsy. However, the head is more smooth and curved, and the voice has a definitively more feminine tone.

MIKE: Gypsy?

CREATURE: No, I'm Gypsy Mark II. I manage all the functions of the Satellite of Love.

MIKE: Satellite of Love? Dr. Erdhart couldn't even make up an original name?

GYPSY MARK II: Well, it's… Satellite of Love… Mark II…

SERVO: Yeah, he was REALLY thinking outside of the box.

CROW: We need to give her a new name. I don't want to call her Gypsy II, it's just disrespectful.

SERVO: Alright, what about Tzigane?

MIKE: Why Tzigane?

SERVO: It's French for Gypsy.

MIKE: Huh…

TZIGANE: Name overwritten.

MIKE: Right, so, Tzigane, do you want to watch the movie with us?

TZIGANE: I'd love to, but I can't. All life support systems will shut down if I am distracted for more than 5.23 seconds. You may have already noticed that, as we approach this time limit, the apartment is slowly depressurizing, and that Mike's testicles have shot up in his chest.

MIKE: Oh my God! Please, go back to your duties!

TZIGANE: It was a pleasure meeting you all.

[Before she leaves, Tzigane winks at Crow, who, oddly enough, blushes. Mike and the bots resume their reading of the fic].

 **"Hello?" he heard a distant voice call to him. "Young man? Are you alright?"**

CROW: Ok, so, what was happening?

SERVO: Well, there was a continuity error, and then a plot contrivance, and than something happened that made no sense…

MIKE: And then Harry tried to commit suicide.

CROW: Oh, right, I'm all caught up now.

 **Harry reluctantly resumed consciousness,**

CROW: If we have to suffer, so do you!

 **and found himself staring up at the concerned face of a man, presumably in his mid-thirties.**

CROW: And presumably a rapist.

MIKE: It's also my first instinct, when finding someone washed ashore to just go "hello", and to not call any ambulances or try CPR.

SERVO: That summer as a lifeguard really taught you some things, huh, Mike?

MIKE: I loved the red swimming trunks…

 **As Harry was perceptive,**

SERVO: There's another continuity error with the canon.

MIKE: Harry is not perceptive, in fact he gets it wrong so many times that when he actually gets it right no one believes him.

 **he deduced that the man was a muggle, simply from his clothes.**

SERVO: Because wizards NEVER dress as muggles.

MIKE: And because Voldemort's agents wouldn't think of dressing up as muggles to surprise Harry.

 **"Wh-where am I?" he murmured.**

CROW: The Island.

MIKE: Everyone from the tail section of the broomstick lives on the other side.

 **"Oh, thank the Lord you're okay!"**

SERVO: I'm just bubbly with joy.

 **chuckled the man, retreating slightly to give the young wizard his space.**

CROW: What? So where was he just a second ago? Standing on top of him?

SERVO & MIKE: Run, Harry! Run!

 **"I was worried you may have frozen out there, on the beach."**

SERVO: Harry on Ice, coming this fall to Central Park.

CROW: Harry Potter Flavored popscicle, the new commercial product destined to suck every ounce of blood out of that franchise.

 **"Who are you?" whispered Harry, becoming more and more awake.**

SERVO: A self-insertion

CROW: Satan

MIKE: An angel of the Lord.

[Servo and Crow chime the "number 6" theme from Battlestar Galactica]

 **"My name is David,"**

MIKE: I win.

SERVO: That would really lend itself better to a jewish propaganda fic.

 **the man replied. "I, uh - - I didn't want to believe it at first, but I couldn't help but notice you fell out of the sky.**

MIKE: David, did you take your medication today?

 **Might I ask how you got up there in the first place?"**

SERVO: No, you may not!

CROW: It was a spaceship… they did things to me.

 **"I was riding my broomstick," said Harry, matter-of-factly.**

MIKE: Geez, whatever happened to whole secrecy part of the wizarding community?

SERVO: With security this tight, it's a wonder it hasn't been on the 6 o'clock news decades ago.

CROW: So, he was "riding" his broomstick? Insert innuendo here.

 **"Broomstick, eh?" David muttered to himself. "Interesting."**

SERVO: How blasé can this guy be? Is he on crack?

MIKE: Would explain why he's seeing people falling from the sky.

 **Harry sat upright and noticed he was wearing a casual attire of denim jeans and a cardigan.**

[Mike and the bots stare in silence]

MIKE: o…kay…

CROW: He… changed him? Is that guy a priest?

[Mike gives Crow a look]

CROW: Too obvious?

 **"Where's my robe?" he cried.**

Mike & The bots: Waahaahahaha! I want my mommy!

 **"Drying by the fire," David replied. "I found some peculiar trinkets inside, you know.**

MIKE: So he's a thief too.

CROW: This guys is just swell.

 **Really quite fascinating - - albeit evil."**

SERVO: They just dropped the convenient morality anvil on us.

 **"Evil?" scoffed Harry. "They're essential. A wizard is nothing without his tools, you see."**

SERVO: Let's conveniently forget that wizards do lots of magic without wands and tools.

 **"A wizard, you say?" mused David.**

SERVO: Geez, Harry, you really can't be trusted with a secret, can you?

MIKE: I'll say it's the concussion and let it slide.

 **"I had the feeling that may have been the case. You're from that mysterious academy, aren't you?"**

SERVO: So now even the muggles know about Hogwarts?

CROW: Must be a special power that comes with being a friggin' Marty Stu!

 **"How do you know about Hogwarts?" whispered Harry, tilting his head quizzically.**

SERVO: Yeah! How? Answer or I'll have to get the thumbscrews!

 **"Oh, I've met a young girl who used to be a student there."**

CROW: She's locked up in the basement. She's my wife and is pregnant with my 17th child.

 **"What was her name?"**

CROW: Mistress Spank-a-Lot.

 **"Erm, Kate if I remember correctly.**

SERVO: Only Kate, like Madonna

MIKE: Shame on you, David! Not remembering the name of your wife!

 **She was a highly decorated student there,**

SERVO: Top of the transfiguration class, turned herself into a Christmas tree.

 **top of her class she told me. Until one day she achieved a new level of magic,**

CROW: Next level is the zombies in the sewer, make sure to have a lot of quarters.

 **and that's when things started to go awry."**

SERVO: She ran out of quarters?

MIKE: Oh, I can see where this is going… At least they're not implying Dungeons and Dragons did it.

 **"What do you mean?" asked Harry.**

 **"She started having dreams of a frightful nature," David remarked.**

SERVO: She had to read this fanfic as well?

 **"Dreams?" wondered Harry aloud, relating the tale to his own situation.**

 **"That's right," David continued, "Dreams of demons and creatures of the satanic variety.**

SERVO: If my databank is correct, this much contrivances in one work of fiction should have ruptured the space-time continuum by now…

[Mike and the bots wait for the universe to implode. When nothing happens, they resume the reading of the fic]

 **All of her teachers told her to pay no attention to them,**

CROW: They were wrong, you should only listen to strange men living like hermits in isolated cottages.

 **but she had to find out why she was being haunted.**

MIKE: One word: David.

 **So, she snuck away from the academy one night and wound up here, at my cottage.**

CROW: No shit!

SERVO: That's one hell of a coincidence.

MIKE: Is his cottage some sort of beacon for every lost teenager?

CROW: The entire Degrassi cast must be around here somewhere.

 **I showed her**

Mike and the bots: NOOO!

 **The Bible, you see..."**

[Mike and the bots cover their eyes]

 **"The Bible?" inquired Harry, dubiously.**

 **"That's right," he replied,**

MIKE: No, it's not.

CROW: Oh, come on! Harry has got to have heard of the bible, he didn't spend the last 17 years in a glass box.

SERVO: Notice how the convertee is always unaware of the bible's existence in these sort of drabble, it makes the insta-convert much more believable… sorta.

MIKE: Convertee? Is that a real word?

 **"the Christian Bible. And, according to the Scriptures - - ooh, what was that verse?**

MIKE: Let's try and find the correct quote in the 1000+ pages phone book! Yay!

SERVO: Er, Mike, are you OK?

 **Ah, yes!**

CROW: Ah, no!

 **Deuteronomy 18:10-12.**

CROW: No, sir, it's Friday, 6pm.

SERVO: That's not what he… nevermind.

 **Let no one be found among you who sacrifices his son or daughter in the fire**

CROW: That is one disturbing children's tale.

SERVO: Yeah, that bit in Harry Potter really surprised me.

 **who practices divination**

SERVO: So, burn the horoscope, then?

 **or sorcery, interprets omens, engages in witchcraft, or casts spells, or who is a medium or spiritist or who consults the dead.**

CROW: Or who eats with his mouth open, or who eats shellfish, or who pronounces it "supposebly" or who spells it "colour" or…

MIKE: I'm going to take a leak and come back when you're done.

SERVO: You could walk back to Earth in the time it'll take for him to be done.

 **Anyone who does these things is detestable in the eyes of the Lord.**

MIKE: I thought the Lord was all-loving?

SERVO: No, Mike, if the Lord was all-loving, how could people like David exclude others? Stop taking the joy out of life, Mike!

 **"So, don't you see, young man?" David finished.**

CROW: Huh? Oh, I'm sorry, I must have fell asleep for a minute there.

 **"What you are practicing is, day by day, devoting your life to the evil one."**

MIKE: So Harry really is Voldemort's pawn?

SERVO: But I didn't see any rings in Harry Potter? Why is Sauron suddenly involved?

CROW: I think he meant Shai'Tan. The Forsakens can look like anyone!

MIKE: You know, I've just noticed… Voldemort is pale, ugly, wears a black robe… he's the Emperor from Star Wars!

SERVO: I think we can stop now.

 **"Impossible!" thundered Harry. "Are you suggesting that I have been deceived, and that it is actually the wizards and witches who are in the wrong?"**

 **"You're sharp," remarked David, admirably.**

CROW: 'Bout as sharp as a plastic spoon.

 **"I refuse to believe it. Regardless of the nightmares I am suffering, I will not lower myself to the level of a lowly muggle!"**

SERVO: Again, let's conveniently forget Harry's mother was muggle-born.

MIKE: Why is Harry suddenly talking like a 40 y.o. literature professor?

CROW: Because by the time they get to the last movie, Daniel Radcliff will be forty!

 **"So, you're having nightmares, too?"**

CROW:Yes, of evil faceless creatures that strive on my pain and... WAIT A MINUTE! That's you, David!

 **Harry was silenced.**

CROW: At last! Normally he can't keep his mouth shut.

 **David strolled over to him**

[Crow and Servo hum an eerie tune]

MIKE: This bit sends chill down my spine.

 **and lay the Bible beside him.**

SERVO: I want you to read it and have it memorised by Friday.

 **"I've made you some hot chocolate," he smiled.**

MIKE: You can have some, but ONLY if you convert to my arbitrary system of belief.

SERVO: Fine, but it better be damn good chocolate!

CROW: Damn you David! This chocolate is the cheap no-name crap they sell outside of church!

 **"Get your rest. We'll talk more about this later."**

MIKE: I don't wanna!

 **Harry remained at David's seaside cottage for a week,**

SERVO: And no one looked for the most popular child wizard.

 **for the nightmares did not intrude his sleep when he stayed there, for reasons he could not comprehend.**

MIKE: That's funny; this place seems like pure nightmare fuel.

 **David taught him all about Christ,**

SERVO: That must've been a fun week.

MIKE: Oh my God, it's bible camp all over again!

CROW: You went to bible camp?

MIKE: I must repress, I must repress! The awful songs! They don't even rhyme!

 **and the ultimate sacrifice He made for the people of the world.**

CROW: What was that already?

SERVO: He was tortured for days and then crucified, and that somehow saved the world.

CROW: How? It made everyone switch to Geico?

 **And the more Harry heard of it,**

MIKE: The more he fell into a deep sleep.

 **the more he understood of his wizardry and its evils.**

SERVO: And that sounds in no way like brainwashing!

CROW: I like how the author conveniently left out the parts where David doesn't feed Harry and forces him to repeat over and over that wizardry is evil, and then goes down to the basement to rape Kate.

MIKE: Wow, Crow, dark much?

CROW: Meh.

 **Finally, he conceded, the Bible made too much sense to ignore.**

[Mike and the bots simply stare]

MIKE: Riiiiight… the 2000 years old book written by various shepherds makes too much sense.

SERVO: The same could be said for the flying spaghetti monster theory. Let me go get my pamphlet.

 **"David?" he asked one afternoon.**

 **"Yes, Harry?" replied David, sipping his coffee and reading a newspaper.**

SERVO: The newspaper?

CROW: But it's EVIL! It has the horoscope in it!

MIKE: its ok, he's going to burn it afterward.

 **"How do I become a Christian?"**

MIKE: That depends, Harry, the standard, well-ajusted kind, or the crazy batshit fanatical kind, like me?

 **"I was praying that you'd ask me that before you left," smiled David, proudly.**

SERVO: Magic is evil, but brainwashing is A-OK!

 **"Come, let me show you." David advised Harry to pray a simple prayer,**

MIKE: As opposed to the many other things you can do with a prayer.

 **and that night, the confused and reluctant wizard knelt beside his bed and repeated the words softly.**

 **"Lord," he began, "I come to you tonight to request your forgiveness,**

SERVO: You know, for saving the world two or three times. That was BAAAAD of me.

 **for I have so blindly devoted my life to the evils of the spirit world.**

CROW: Next time, I'll just let Voldemort kill everyone. But it'll be alright because I won't be doing evil stuff that makes people happy!

 **I have given my very essence to the enemy of man,**

Mike and the bots: EW!

 **and taken joy in it as well.**

Mike and the bots: EW! EW!

 **I am a sinner, Lord, and without your forgiveness, I am doomed to die and face the eternal trials of the netherworld,**

MIKE: That's a simple player? What's a complicated one?

SERVO: Don't ask! He might hear you!

 **all because of my practicing of foul and wicked arts.**

MIKE: Is this going to take much longer, I need to mow the lawn.

SERVO: Er, Mike? We're in space.

MIKE: I know.

 **Please, Lord. Please forgive me of my sins and welcome me into your loving kingdom.**

MIKE: I wanna wear wings and play harp for all eternity.

 **In your name I pray...Amen."**

SERVO: How is talking to a spiritual, invisible deity different from talking to a spiritual, invisible entity, which is supposed to be the epitome of evil?

CROW: If God tells you to do it, you can do anything. Like start wars and rape people. God is cool.

[Mike and Servo slightly slide away to the sides of the sofa and away from CROW]

 **Harry opened his eyes and noticed that tears were streaming from them.**

MIKE: Damn allergies.

 **For the first time in his life, he felt loved, and accepted,**

SERVO: Because that never happened in books. He was just faking it, he really hates his friends and was always miserable at Hogwarts.

 **and...pure.**

MIKE: And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen! Insta-Convert! Jack Chick couldn't have done better.

 **He had been relieved of the wickedness that plagued him since the day he was born**

MIKE: Ok everyone! Time for another convenient loss of memory. Harry didn't find out he was a wizard before his eleventh birthday.

 **and he wept**

SERVO: So is the entire fanbase.

 **, both out of joy**

MIKE: Geez, that was some intense prayer… what was in that hot chocolate cup, LSD?

 **, and sorrow for all of his friends**

CROW: Who have never accepted or loved him.

 **that remained blind to the real truth,**

MIKE: The truth, it's out there.

[Crow and Servo hum the X-Files theme song]

 **indulging in the ultimate evil back at Hogwarts,**

MIKE: Again, when have Voldemort, Sauron, Emperor Palpatine and Shai'Tan decided to take over Hogwarts?

SERVO: if Hogwarts is evil, and they fight Voldemort who is evil... then what are Harry and David?

CROW: Morons.

 **convinced that their dark arts made them superior beings.**

MIKE: The author never made it passed the two first pages when he read the book, has he?

 **He wept all night long because of this.**

MIKE: David turned him into a wuss!

SERVO: Maybe Old Yeller was on tv that night.

 **"David?" he asked the following morning, as he stood at the front door holding a backpack.**

MIKE: You should go into hiding, David, people will hate you for what you did to their favourite hero.

SERVO: He's already in hiding. He wrote Dragonball: Evolution.

 **"Yes, Harry?" replied David.**

 **"Will I ever be fully rid of the evils of my past?"**

 **"The demons that you once embezzled will still try and recapture you, Harry," David admitted.**

CROW: So David will follow Harry?

 **"But if God is for you, then who can be against you?**

SERVO: Anyone with common sense?

 **Go, and spread the word.**

MIKE: Actually, just go and phone the police.

 **You have always been in a position of power, Harry Potter.**

SERVO: since when?

MIKE: There's a deeper meaning, you see. Harry Potter books are read thorough the world, so basically, Harry is in a position of power.

SERVO: ...No way the author can be that clever.

 **Now it's time you used it for good."**

 **Musing over the profound and genuine words of his life-altering friend,**

MIKE: The kitchen sink is more profound and genuine than that guy.

 **Harry turned and began to trek away, not knowing where he would go or what he would do.**

SERVO: So this whole adventure has been a total waste of time.

CROW: So, from super-powered destined child wizard to a homeless bum in the course of a week… man, this really ain't advertisement for Christianity.

 **But with the Lord Jesus Christ by his side, he knew that things were going to be okay.**

CROW: He was found three days later in a scrap yard, dead.

 **-End-**

[The fanfic ends, and is replaced on the tv by static]

SERVO: I think my eyes are bleeding. Are my eyes bleeding?

CROW: You have no eyes!

MIKE: (To himself) After that, they're never coming back down…

[The high-pitched voice of Dr. Erdhart brings Mike and the bots back to reality. The static slowly fades from the tv to reveal a closeup of the mad scientist's face]

DR. ERDHART: So, how was it? Broken your spirit yet?

MIKE: Close, but no.

DR. ERDHART: Well, it's closer than Clay ever managed to get. I'll get you next time!

[The tv automatically turns itself off. Crow tries to turn it back on, but the screen remains blank. Tom Servo exits Cambot's field of view for a moment, and comes back with Tzigane. Both have spaghetti on their head.]

MIKE: What are you two doing?

SERVO: We came to save you Mike! I've already saved Tzigane by showing her that the only true salvation is through the flying spaghetti monster. You need to join us too!

MIKE: Why? Why can't you just let me be myself? My beliefs aren't hurting anyone.

TZIGANE: The flying spaghetti monster taught us three things: To tolerate other people's belief, to accept them, and once they believe we tolerate and accept them, to crush them!

[Tzigane and Servo move toward Mike menacingly. The human moves back, but is soon blocked by the living room wall].

CROW (off-screen): Hey, guys, I think I have the answer to your questions.

[Cambot's field of view turns to Crow, who is staring out the window, the others join him].

MIKE: Huh… well, that explains a lot.

SERVO: So, THAT's the one true faith.

TZIGANE: Gotta admit, it makes a lot of sense, when you think about it.

[The field screen reads: CAMBOT BATTERY LOW].

End of episode 1


	2. Episode 2

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of MST3k, neither do I own the original fanfiction.

Episode 2: The Dairy of San Goku

[Cambot's field of view turns to the kitchen, where Mike is cooking Mac and cheese]

MIKE: It was a stroke of genius to buy all that Kraft Dinner before getting shot into space.

[Tom Servo and Crow pop up from behind him]

SERVO: Genius? More like goddawful luck.

CROW: If you were such a genius, you would have noticed they were turning the apartment building into a ROCKET SHIP before we were sent into orbit, Mike.

MIKE: I don't notice the small details, shoot me.

[Crow disappears under a counter and jumps back up holding a large futuristic gun]

MIKE: Woah! Metaphor! Metaphor!

CROW: You never let me have any fun.

[Crow puts the gun down].

SERVO: So, Mike, Mac and Cheese… It's pretty much what I expected, fits with your level of sophistication.

MIKE: (A little grumpy) And what's your favourite food?

SERVO: I'm a robot, Mike, I don't have a digestive system.

CROW: I like Mike's deodorant! Today, we're tasting "merge"!

[Crow grabs some deodorant from just out of Cambot's view range and starts to eat it. At the exact same moment, the television in the living room turns itself on. After a brief moment of static, it tunes itself to channel 666. Dr. Erhardt appears on screen].

DR. ERHARDT: Are you there, Mikey Mike?

[Mike and the bots move on to the living room, with Cambot's field of view following them].

MIKE: Not now! I'm getting ready to eat.

DR. ERHARDT: Do you think I care? The shadowy board of mysterious figures won't be patient like they were with Clay. I need results, fast!

SERVO: Wait, wasn't it the mysterious board of shadowy figures last week?

DR. ERHARDT: …shut up! Today's experiment is something so mind-bugling, staring at Chuthlu's real form would cause less brain damage. A cross-over between, get this, Dragonball and… the diary of Anne Frank.

[Mike and the bots stare and silence]

MIKE: … How… just, how…

SERVO: So is this a romance fanfiction or a vs. kind of thing?

CROW: I bet she has some awesome chi power! I can't wait to play as Anne Frank in the next DBZ budokei instalment!

DR. ERHARDT: It's quite short, so hurry up and go insane.

[The lights begin to flash wildly]

MIKE: We've got fanfic sign!

Goku/Anne Frank: Until the End of Time

 **Hi! ^_^**

 **I/'m gofer-chan,**

CROW: So she's an American… writing about a jewish girl… using Japanese naming genre. This just about checks every ethnicity box.

 **and this is my first piece of fanfiction!**

MIKE: And hopefully the last.

SERVO: First piece of something alright.

 **It was my brother's idea, an Anne Frank/DBZ crossover!**

CROW: Or at least that's what I think he said, it was hard to hear him over the five nurses trying to inject him with morphine.

 **I am big fans of both.**

MIKE: I can't see the connection.

CROW: I'm a big fan of the WWF and daytime soaps, you don't see me making a crossover against nature!

MIKE: Shh, she might hear you!

 **Anne sighed as she sat in her room, staring at her wall.**

MIKE: Man, I was I had TeVo.

CROW: A hundred and ninety four stripes, a hundred and ninety five stripes, a hundred and ninety… wait, where was I again? Ah, damn, I have to start from the beginning!

SERVO: Starring at the wall! The most exciting activity since watching paint dry!

 **She just finished writing in her diary, and had nothing to do.**

CROW: That's gonna be one boring diary to read.

SERVO: Dear diary, today I wrote in you.

[Mike chuckles]

 **Life was boring in the Secret Annex, but it was better than the alternative.**

CROW: Working for minimum wage at Chucky Cheese.

MIKE: Hey! Don't put down the Chucky, I have three whole summers there on my resume.

 **It was alright talking to Peter and Margot, but they were both such quiet**

 **people,**

CROW: They always stopped talking whenever she came in the room.

MIKE: And pointed at her and sneered and stuff.

 **unlike the always active Anne. All of a sudden, a flash of**

 **light appeared in the room!**

MIKE: Man, I need to cut down the crack.

SERVO: So that's what an aneurysm feels like.

 **Anne jumped back, stifling a scream. Before**

 **she could run out the closed door she noticed that the person who**

 **appeared in the flash was not a Nazi officer,**

SERVO: Even if it was a Nazi officer, what could she do since he can apparently materialise out of thin air!

MIKE: Quick, only this thin wood door can protect you!

 **but someone who she had**

 **never seen before!**

MIKE: And I'm the most popular girl at school, I know EVERYONE!

CROW: I have to ruin this new kid's life.

 **His clothes were very strange, and his hair was in**

 **a spiky style that was totally new to her.**

SERVO: Not to mention physically impossible to pull off.

CROW: I can suspend my disbelief for the planet-destroying aliens, but I cannot do it for Goku's hair..

 **She stood against the wall, wary of the stranger,**

CROW: And then started to unbutton her shirt.

MIKE: What?

CROW: You mean it's not that kind of fic?

 **but he walked towards her and smiled, extending a**

 **hand. "My name is Goku."**

CROW: I hope he's going to save the "I'm an alien from another world sent to destroy you" talk for the second date.

 **The mysterious stranger said. Anne nervously**

 **put her hand in his. He bent down and kissed it softly, then let go.**

CROW: With Goku's power level, shouldn't that atomise her hand?

MIKE: I'm amazed he doesn't break the earth's crust with every step.

 **Anne blushed, feeling something she had never felt before go off inside**

 **of her.**

MIKE: It's the last time I eat sushi out of the back of a strange man's van.

 **"My name is Anne..." she replied quietly. "I'm sorry for what**

 **just happened," Goku told her, "But I was caught in a time portal and**

 **deposited here! My power cells will recharge soon, but until then, I'm**

 **stuck here."**

CROW: How delightfully convenient.

MIKE: Wait, what power cell? There was no mention of a time machine, is Goku a robot now?

SERVO: We can rebuild him, we have the technology, and we have a lot of coupons for spare parts.

 **Anne had no idea what the handsome visitor was talking about,**

SERVO: Half the words he used haven't been invented yet.

 **but she played along. "Well, sir" she said. "You may stay in my**

 **room as long as you like!"**

MIKE: Maybe it is that kind of fic, Crow.

CROW: Remember you're married, Goku!

SERVO: But Chichi doesn't understand me like Anne does!

 **Anne blushed again as she said this, and**

 **giggled slightly.**

[Mike and the bots all let out hysterical, and fake, laughs]

 **Goku looked around, and then sat on the bed. "Thank**

 **you for the invitation. I'll be sure to repay you for it soon."**

CROW: By eating all your food and acting as a magnet for every overpowered alien in a five million light-year radius.

 **Anne did not understand what he meant by that, however,**

CROW: However, her imagination was going wiiiiiild!

SERVO: Bow chicka bow wow, bow chicka bow wow!

[Mike and Crow join in and soon all three are going "Bow chicka bow wow!"]

 **when he spoke, she felt a warmth deep inside of her.**

ALL: Bow Chicka Bow Wow!

 **She sat by him on the bed, staring at the man's beautiful eyes.**

SERVO: Beautiful yet simple… VERY simple.

 **Finally, she could stand it no longer.**

 **Anne leaned over and kissed the stranger on the cheek,**

CROW: Haha, Anne you slut.

SERVO: Before marriage?

MIKE: She knows she can get pregnant from doing that, right?

 **and then pulled back quickly, not sure of what she had done. "I'm sorry..." she said,**

 **as she stumbled to find the right words.**

SERVO: I'm sorry for doing something that can be seen as a purely platonic gesture of friendship.

 **The visitor smirked. "No,**

 **that's quite alright." He replied with a smile, putting one arm around**

 **her. "You know, you're a very beautiful girl, but I... well..."**

MIKE: I'm gay.

CROW: Which is why I spend all my time training with muscular men, away from my wife.

 **Anne looked at him, troubled. "What's the matter?" she said, with a sweet**

 **smile.**

CROW: Well, let's see, he just appeared out of nowhere two minutes ago in a flash of light, he's an alien, he's married, he died and came back from the dead more time than Jesus… The list just goes on.

 **Goku looked nervous. "I... I'm already married." he finally**

 **managed to choke out. Anne pulled away from him abruptly. "No!"**

MIKE: How can my one true love whom I've met three minutes ago and whom I don't understand half of what he says already be married? Besides, isn't he like fifty?

 **she said loudly, almost in tears. "I'm sorry..." he replied.**

CROW: Man, if it was possible I'd say that this was a self-insertion fic.

SERVO: Maybe this gofer-chan person actually is Anne Frank. Did they ever found the body?

 **Anne was**

 **furious. "Nothing ever goes right!" she cried out.**

CROW: Just give it a few more days; you won't be bitching about the handsome stranger leaving you anymore.

MIKE: That's a bit insensitive…

 **"I have to go**

 **now, my power cells have recharged." said Goku.**

SERVO: He really should've been using Duracell.

 **Anne was in tears**

 **by now, staring at the wall so she wouldn't see Goku's face.**

CROW: Well, time to resume where I left off, one stripe, two stripes, three stripes.

 **He smiled a sad smile, and disappeared in another flash, out of Anne's**

 **life forever.**

CROW: Nevermind asking the stranger with awesome powers and technology for some help.

MIKE: Girls can't be trusted with important matters

TZIGANE (off screen): I heard that!

 **Anne never forgot him, though... not until the end of time.**

SERVO: Or, as history knows it, Tuesday.

[The fanfic is replaced by static on the tv. Crow goes out of Cambot's view range for a moment, and comes back with a diary, already writing in it].

MIKE: What are you doing, Crow?

CROW: I'm going to chronicle my own tale of captivity and fear, I'm going to call it "the diary of Crow T. Robot".

SERVO: You might as well sell it to the Sci fi Channel or Comedy Central.

[A loud banging noise can be heard off screen]

TZIGANE: OW! Servo, mind the fourth wall, will you?

CROW: Seriously, I'm going to be rich. This Anne Frank was a genius, bet she's living the good life now.

MIKE: Actually, I'm fairly certain she's dead, Crow. I don't think it's right to parody her story.

SERVO: Yeah, because mocking people is something we only do ALL THE TIME.

CROW: Why are you being mister sensitive for? I've seen you in the shower, you're not Jewish.

MIKE: You don't have to be Jewish to feel compassion for other human beings, and when?

SERVO: Yeah, Mike, that whole compassion thing is lost on us. Crow, I want 50% of the business.

MIKE: When Joel built you, what did he use as your morality unit?

SERVO: They were backorder on me for that part.

CROW: Mine's a blow dryer. It's just air.

MIKE: I dunno, I guess I just identify with her, being trapped… only we're in space, and she's not… and people were hunting her, Dr. Erhardt knows exactly where we are… and she was always afraid, we're more of a mix of annoyed and frustrated…

CROW: So what you're saying is the two situations are completely different?

MIKE: Yeah, I don't know what came over me. Crow, I want 30% of the profits.

[The static slowly disappears, leaving a message reading the words: "part 2"].

 **One month. Well, it didn't feel like a month.**

CROW: It felt more like 28 days. I was in alcoholic stupor for the last two.

 **To Anne Frank, a Jew in hiding from the Nazis, it seemed like a year.**

SERVO: Now, was it a leap year or a normal year, because this is important.

 **One month since the fateful encounter with the mysterious man from another world, who she only knew as 'Goku'.**

MIKE: Or yummy buns.

 **The handsome stranger had stepped through time and into her life,**

SERVO: So, Anne, how's that brain tumour going?

 **then disappeared without a trace.**

CROW: In one of the most boring, plotless fanfic ever.

 **Anne was almost sure that they'd never meet again, even though not one day passed without her dreaming of him. Little did she know, however, that their lives were tied by the unbreakable red string of fate.**

CROW: Were they out of any other colour?

SERVO: Isn't time travelling proof that fate doesn't exist?

MIKE: What do you mean?

SERVO: Well, if something happened in the past, and you can go and change it, doesn't that mean that nothing is set in stone?

MIKE: I think that really depends on your approach of time travelling.

CROW: Oh, yeah, don't get me started on Doctor Who.

 **It was another boring day in the Secret Annex.**

CROW: Somehow watching the wall wasn't fun anymore.

 **Anne sat on the bed of her room, writing in her diary.**

MIKE: Dear diary, today I wrote in you.

SERVO: I already did that one, Mike.

 **It never occurred to her, however, that this entry would be her last.**

CROW: You'd think this would occur to her every single day.

SERVO: I somehow suspect this piece won't be entirely historically accurate.

MIKE: What tipped you off?

 **As she wrote in the quiet attic, there was a loud noise from downstairs.**

SERVO: Damn kids and their music, it's just noise to me!

MIKE: I'm sorry, I really thought this one would be silent.

 **Her heart jumped with both fear and excitement.**

MIKE: You'd think loud noises wouldn't cause excitement for someone in hiding.

SERVO: The brain tumour's mixing up her feelings.

 **Was it them? The Nazis? Or, could it be… him?**

CROW: Tony The tiger!

SERVO: Hey, it's twice as believable as Goku!

 **She had no idea whether to run downstairs or to hide. That decision, however, was made for her.**

MIKE: It's not the 1940's, women have no rights to make decisions yet.

TZIGANE (off screen): That's your second strike, Mike!

 **Her door flew open, and a tall soldier was visible in the doorway, glaring at her.**

CROW: Nazi soldier, I choose you!

MIKE: Nazi soldier, use glare!

SERVO: o/~ Gotta catch 'em all o/~

 **The cries of her family members and friends were tuned out as Anne only thought of one thing.**

CROW: Do these jeans make me look fat?

MIKE: Look it's Tom Cruise.

 **She stood up and followed the soldier out of her room, down the stairs, and into the back of a truck.**

MIKE: Lady, I'm just the milkman, get out of my truck.

" **So this is it." She said quietly to herself. "I'll never see him, my one true love,**

MIKE: Is she talking about Goku?

SERVO: She saw him for a whole lot of thirty seconds, and now he's her one true love? Man that's worse than reality tv.

 **ever again. And all those years of hiding… they were for naught." Then, Anne realized that she left her precious diary up in her room.**

CROW: Yeah, after a hundred and twenty pages of "Dear diary, today I stared at the wall and wrote in you", she forgets it when the interesting stuff begin.

[Mike gives him a look]

CROW: Sad, awful… but interesting.

 **She broke loose from the officer, and made a dash back into the shop, when he removed a gun from his holster and fired a shot in her direction. Anne fell to the floor.**

CROW: I regret nothing!

 **Anne lay on the floor, feeling searing pain run through her leg, where the bullet had met its mark.**

MIKE: That bullseye tattoo was a really bad idea in retrospect.

SERVO: Should've gone with the more popular "Do not shot here".

 **The Gestapo officer menacingly moved towards her, grinning, when all of a sudden there was a blinding flash of light, causing the officer to shield his eyes.**

MIKE: Man, was there asbestos in that house? They're all coming down with severe cases of the crazy.

 **A huge cloud of smoke appeared next to Anne, blocking her from the soldier's vision. When the smoke cleared, he was in for quite a surprise.**

CROW: Koffing!

MIKE: Smoke? If it turns out to be mist, and we're adding Silent Hill to the crossover mix, I swear…

 **There was Goku, holding Anne in his arms, standing next to a huge metal capsule. "Goku!" cried Anne "You came back… for me!"**

SERVO: That Anne Frank sure is self-involved.

CROW: Goku, let's go back to my room and make out.

MIKE: But Anne, shouldn't we help the rest of your family and friends?

CROW: I have mentioned them once in this entire fic, do you think I care about them?

 **Goku smiled. "Anything for you, my dear." He said. "Our love will never be lost… not until the end of time."**

MIKE: What love? They met a month ago for two minutes!

SERVO: So are we to understand that Goku went back home, divorced his wife, and then came back specifically for Anne Frank?

MIKE: That is… totally believable.

CROW: Mike, are you peeling off the skin on your hand?

MIKE: it hurts less than the fanfic world. It hurts less than the fanfic world.

 **The Gestapo officer turned tail and ran, but Goku was too quick for him. After laying Anne on the concrete,**

SERVO: It's ok Goku, you can have your little fight, I still have 2 or 3 pints of blood left…

 **he dashed towards the Nazi and knocked him to the ground, unconscious, with only one blow. "Nazi scum." Muttered Goku as he spit on his enemy's limp body, then returned to Anne.**

MIKE: Wow, love can really change a man, it turned Goku from a sweet, if somewhat naïve and idealistic man who would never use his powers to hurt the weak into a cocky bastard.

SERVO: I'm starting to believe this is a Nazi propaganda fic.

" **Here, I have something for you." Goku said,**

MIKE: It better be jewellery.

 **as he removed a small bean from his pocket. "What on earth is this?" asked Anne. Goku smiled, remember how ignorant she was to what was everyday life to him.**

SERVO: Being from an alternate universe does that to you.

" **A senzu bean." He said. "Just eat it, and it will cure your leg." Anne followed his instructions and popped the bean into her mouth,**

MIKE: Come on Anne, all the cool kids are doing it.

 **as the wound on her calve magically healed. "Now come on." Commanded Goku. "We've got some Nazi ass to kick."**

CROW: This summer blockbuster, starring Silverstone Stallone as Goku.

 **Anne jumped on the mysterious Saiyan's back, as he launched off into the sky.**

MIKE: Wouldn't it be safer for Anne to stay here than bringing her into the middle of a battlefield?

 **After only a few moments, the two of them arrived in Berlin. Tanks were parading down the street, as Adolf Hitler himself stood on a platform overlooking it all.**

MIKE: Why are the cheerleaders always in front? I want to be in front!

CROW: I wonder if people will think I'm gay if I wave like the queen.

" **Stay here." Goku said, dropping Anne in a shaded area under a tree.**

MIKE: A single tree? That'll make her invisible.

CROW: At least it's nice and cool under the shade.

 **He then flew straight towards the parade of tanks, fist outstretched, screaming as loud as he could.**

SERVO: And then remember he had to be discreet to make sure history remained unaltered, oh well.

 **The soldiers below scattered in terror,**

MIKE: If only the French knew how easy it was to scare the Germans away.

 **while the tanks tried to aim their cannons at him. He was too quick and nimble for them, however, and opened the hatch of a nearby Panzer, then headed inside.**

MIKE: Nevermind that he could blast them all away in a second, he sure likes a show.

CROW: Nothing like tearing your enemies to pieces with your bare hands.

 **After dispatching of the soldiers in control of the war machine, he took the wheel.**

CROW: Man and their toys.

SERVO: Wow, that has got to be the most useless decision. Ever.

 **He fired round after round into the crowds of Nazi soldiers, occasionally firing at the other tanks.**

SERVO: Because, you know, just disabling the leader and rendering the weapons useless while not making any victim would be too much in character.

CROW: Yeah, in character, who wants that?

 **After only minutes, there was nothing but a cloud of dust and corpses.**

SERVO: I think someone is solving issues through Goku.

CROW: And that is why these should be PERSONAL fantasies.

 **Goku emerged from the tank's hatch, smiling now that he had done his duty.**

CROW: hehe, killing people is funny.

 **When all of the dust cleared, there were only two people remaining on the parade ground:**

MIKE: Anne had died at the beginning as collateral damage.

 **Goku, the Saiyan hero,**

MIKE: Who probably just rewrote history by creating the german genocide.

CROW: Does that mean we'll have tip toe around the Germans instead of the Jews now?

 **and Adolf Hitler, the most evil man ever to walk the earth.**

MIKE: What about Dr. Gero?

CROW: Or Nappa, or Raditz, or Vegeta?

SERVO: Or, really, anyone who Goku fights every third manga?

 **Anne watched from nearby fearfully as she saw the two men stare at each other for what seemed like hours.**

CROW: It's a staring contest.

MIKE: Musn't… laugh…

 **Her one true love,**

MIKE: Whom she now knows for two full hours!

 **and her ultimate oppressor. It had come down to this. "So," Hitler said jovially**

MIKE: So… gay?

" **You took out all of my men. However, you aren't going to defeat me."**

MIKE: He's very upbeat even though his whole army was decimated.

CROW: Didn't he commit suicide in a similar situation?

 **Hitler then jumped down from his platform and down onto the street in front of Goku, pulling a chain gun from the ground nearby. Goku quickly jumped behind a ruined tank, as Adolf opened fire.**

MIKE: Where exactly in the DBZ continuity does this fit? I'm sure Goku wouldn't be vulnerable to bullets ever since his childhood.

 **The tank made decent cover, but it wasn't long until it would be torn apart by the hail of bullets.**

MIKE: I know I should be surprised by the blatant disregard of, let's see, physical laws, but… this is really just a minor offence at this point.

CROW: This is like a student production of some really bad movie.

 **Goku had to act. He dashed out from the side of the tank, and flew as fast as he could toward Hitler, who had no time to react.**

MIKE: Should I make my surprised face or my angry face or oh damn he's already here!

 **He grabbed the chain gun out of his enemy's hands, and snapped it over his knee with ease.**

CROW: But he somehow couldn't think of doing that with Hitler's neck.

 **Hitler stumbled backwards, shocked at the turn of events.**

CROW: How could the man who single-handedly destroyed my entire army beat me?

MIKE: It's madness! Madness I tell you!

 **Goku smirked, then said "It's come down to this. You and me. Fighting like men.**

MIKE: Or, fighting like an overpowered alien being and a man.

 **If you admit defeat now, I'll kill you rather painlessly."**

MIKE: Well, at least he finally learned his lesson about letting his opponent live.

CROW: It's for the best, I'd hate to see Hitler join the team in the next season of Dragonball and hooking up with, I dunno...

SERVO: Chichi? She's free now…

CROW: Yeah, with Chichi, and then they'd have half-human, half-german babies.

MIKE: There are so many things wrong with that sentence.

 **Goku had the definite advantage. Or so it seemed. Hitler burst into a laugh, as Goku looked on quizzically.**

MIKE: Sorry, Goku, I just thought of something really funny that happened this morning, but you had to be there.

 **The mustachioed man slowly rose into the air, as his brown hair and pencil moustache turned a blonde color, and his brown eyes turned blue.**

MIKE: …WHAT?!

[Servo's dome actually explodes at this point]

SERVO: Error. Does not compute. Does not compute.

CROW: I wish my head could do that.

MIKE: …Hitler.. is a super saiyan?! That's wrong in like eight different ways!

CROW: At least we have the answer to a long-time unanswered question. When Saiyans transform, the carpet does match the drapes.

 **Goku reeled in horror.**

MIKE: Welcome to the club.

 **Hitler continued laughing, then finally said "Goku! You came here expecting to find a madman, but instead, you found a GOD!" Hitler had become a Super Saiyan.**

CROW: It's not like the two are mutually exclusive.

MIKE: Seriously, the author never read any of the notices that read "Do not inhale", right?

SERVO: Error… error…

[Tzigane crawls into Cambot's range, carrying a new Servo head in her mouth. She manages to unscrew the old one and plug in the new one with relative ease].

CROW: That was strangely arousing.

 **Anne looked on in awe, not sure what was going on.**

MIKE: Welcome to the friggin' club!

 **At first, it seemed like her lover would win the battle, but now she was not so sure. Goku now seemed scared of his opponent, and it was for a good reason. Hitler continued to speak**

MIKE: If Hitler says "I'm your father, Goku" I swear I'm leaving. I don't care if it's -12 Kelvin outside, I'm walking back to earth.

SERVO: If he does say that, don't repair me after I explode.

" **Goku, can't you see? I've reached a power level 10 TIMES anything you've ever achieved!**

Mike & The Bots: His power level is over 9000! HAAA!

 **Your fate is sealed, weakling."**

MIKE: Why did he need an army to conquer Europe, then?

CROW: Because he liked the company of young, strapping men. Keep up, Mike.

 **Even though the battle seemed unwinnable, Goku charged in, screaming at the top of his lungs. Every blow he struck with was deflected off of Hitler's rock hard body.**

CROW I knew this was a slash fic! They're gonna start making out any second.

[Servo's head starts to fume again].

 **Hitler waited for Goku to tire himself out, then raised his fist and punched Goku. And one punch was enough.**

MIKE: I'm going back in my time machine and going home.

 **Goku was knocked across the street into a large propaganda poster of Hitler, thudding to the cold, hard ground. Hitler laughed, thinking that victory was in his hands at last.**

CROW: Hitler obviously never watched Dragonball Z.

MIKE: If the Frieza arc is anything to go by, there should still be about five hundred pages of this.

 **Goku, however, was not ready to give up. Bruised and battered, he rose from the ground, limping in Hitler's direction.**

MIKE: If that's from a single punch, I'm going to go on a wild bet and say he's screwed.

CROW: It's ok, I'm just waiting for Anne Frank to shout "David Star Power, Make up!"

 **The Nazi leader laughed. "You still want to fight? Don't you know when to give up, boy? You can hardly walk. And you expect to beat ME? Conqueror of Europe?"**

MIKE: After you've defeated conqueror of worlds, that phrase simply doesn't have that much impact.

CROW: I don't understand why someone with Hitler's power level would settle for just Europe?

 **Goku ignored Adolf's taunts as he continued to stumble his way forward. Finally, the two archrivals**

MIKE: Archrivals? Hitler's more like a monster of the week.

CROW: Unless they make him into a recrurring character.

 **were standing face to face. Goku stared Hitler into the eye, then screamed "This… is**

Mike & The Bots: SPARTA!

 **for LOVE!"**

MIKE: For love? Great, is Sailor Moon joining in this too now?

 **and flew up into the sky, his hair turning blonde, his eyes blue, and an aura of power radiating from him. Hitler looked on in horror at Goku.**

SERVO: They have two emotions: cocky and horror, nothing else.

CROW: That's gonna be one fun marriage.

 **He had made the ultimate achievement.**

CROW: A B+ on the midterm math test!

 **He had become a Super Ultra Power Saiyan**

[Sparks fly out of Servo's dome]

 **. Goku made a cup shape with his hands, aiming at Hitler, as he belted out the words "Kame… Hame… HAAAAA!"**

MIKE: Bless you. Need a tissue?

 **as a beam of pure energy shot at his enemy, disintegrating the Nazi leader's body.**

CROW: Now why didn't he do that from the start?

 **Goku then collapsed to the ground in a heap, exhausted from the fight.**

CROW: Goku then woke up to realise this was just an awful, awful nightmare.

MIKE: No more chocolate before naptime.

 **Anne and Goku had finally reached the date of their wedding. After the battle, Anne and Goku destroyed the time machine and took a boat to Australia.**

CROW: After defeating a super powered Hitler, what else can you do but settle in 1940's down under with a girl you barely know.

 **They changed their names and lived new lives, ready to start over.**

MIKE: Ok, now that just seems totally pointless. NO ONE would be looking for them since all the Germans are dead and no one knows about what happened.

CROW: Except maybe Goku's friends and family, to give him a much needed wake up call.

 **The two young people looked into each others eyes as they kissed, as the reverend pronounced them man and wife.**

MIKE: Back in my days, they wouldn't let a cartoon and a real person marry.

CROW: Oh, NOW you bring that up?

 **Finally, it seemed, Anne was at peace. And they would always be together, until the end of time.**

MIKE: I wish that this last sentence would back up my theory that Anne died when she was shot, and that this entire adventure was nothing more than a dying girl's dream, but, and I can't believe I'm saying this, it seems unlikely.

[The tv resumes its broadcast of world's greatest snow storms. Oh, wait, it's just static].

[A little while later, Mike comes back from the bathroom and finds Crow and Tom dressed respectively as Abraham Lincoln and Cloud Strife].

MIKE: What are you guys doing now?

CROW: Hey Mike, we're thinking up impossible crossovers like the one in today's fanfic. Right now we're reinacting a scene from my screenplay: Lincoln and Sailor moon: A love story featuring Micheal Moore as Megatron from transformers.

MIKE: That… seems to make a lot of sense.

SERVO: Do you want to be Micheal Moore, Mike? You may have to put on a few pounds, but…

MIKE: No, I'm good.

[Tzigane suddenly pops out from behind the sofa, with a hat representing a blue telephone box].

TZIGANE: Woosh! Woosh! Do not fear mister president, The Doctor and companion Tzigane are coming to save you!

CROW: Tzigane! What are you doing, that's not in the script at all!

TZIGANE: I'm just trying to add some sexy to your play, Crow.

MIKE: …Ok, I'm going to go and take a shower and let the crazy die down…

[Mike leaves the room].

CROW: Ok, Cambot, bring me back some more jucy pictures. If I sell enough of them over the internet, I'll be able to afford that new platinum finish.

[Cambot follows Mike in the bathroom, unnoticed. However, just as gets to the good bits, the screen reads: "CAMBOT BATTERY LOW".]

-End of Episode 2-


	3. Episode 3

MST3k-Mark II

Episode 3: And it'll do your laundry, too!

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of MST3k, neither do I own the original fanfiction.

[CAMBOT's view turns to the captives of the second Satellite of Love, who are enjoying a rough, though game of scrabble].

CROW: Alright, so I put down my three zees and spell the word "zzz".

TZIGANE: That's not a…

SERVO: Good move, Crow. That's 64 points. My turn… let's see… A-W-F-U-L… if I put it here, it makes the word "bloodygodawful".

TZIGANE: But that's…

MIKE: Let it go, Tzigane. After a while, you'll learn it's just easier to go with the flow. So the final score is 680 for Crow, 760 for Servo, 13 for me and 78 for Tzigane.

TZIGANE: You know, if you take into account the fact that I barely have enough processing power left to run Solitaire, and that I HAVE NO ARMS, 78 is actually very good.

[SERVO and CROW snicker]

CROW: No it's not.

[Suddenly, the tv set turns itself on, and the face of Dr. Erhardt comes into view]

DR. ERHARDT: Hello there, Mikey-Mikey.

MIKE: Oh, joy. Elvis Costello's here.

DR. ERHARDT: Huh, thank you?

SERVO: Mike, you don't know who Elvis Costello is, do you?

MIKE: …I just wanted to be witty.

[The trio moves to the living room and sits down on the couch].

SERVO: So what are watching today?

CROW: Or reading, I'm losing track of what we're doing.

DR. ERHARDT: Today you're reading "My immortal", a Harry Potter fanfiction featuring the world's most gothic Mary Sue. Enjoy.

MIKE: We've got… FANFIC SIGN!

Title: **My Immortal: Bring Me To Life** Category: Books » Harry Potter Author: XXXmidnitegoffXXX Language: **English, Rating** : Fiction Rated: M Genre: Romance/Angst Published: 10-17-08, Updated: 10-18-08 Chapters: 44, Words: 21,541

MIKE: Something tells me this is from that place with all the fanfictions.

SERVO: Yes, but how can you tell?

CROW: *groan* 20 thousand words… that's just… long.

 **Chapter 1: Chapter 1**

SERVO: Wow, they were really thinking outside the box with that chapter title.

MIKE: So far outside the box, the box is a dot to her now.

 **I dcied 2 put diz on my nu akont as fanfc dleted da otha verzon.**

SERVO: According to my universal translator, this was either "I decided to put this on my new account as fanfiction-dot-net deleted the other version" or "I'm functionally retarted".

CROW: My universal translator said it was "drinnng"

SERVO: That's the kitchen timer, you don't have a translator.

 **Diz wuz riten 2 yers ago, wile Reven wuz stll ailv, so i stll hd a gud proredr.**

MIKE: This Raven person, did she, by any chance… kill herself?

 **So diz stry is detacatd 2 u raven Im sory dat i wuz so men 2 u otha doz yers.**

MIKE: She's sorry, but evidently, she's not going to stop being mean.

SERVO: Mike, if I ever die, don't dedicate any stories to me.

 **im truli sory!11 Dis isa poam dat iv ritten 4 u:**

 **Imortal Goffik**

MIKE: (Makes a long guttural noise)

 **Lonly as dey mayb Cum 2 me agan Inotha lif 4 ill di sun Cuz u nt her & im nt der **

MIKE: Tom, you're bound to know this, huh… how do you know if you're having a stroke?

SERVO: You should be able to understand what's written.

CROW: Hey, remember 11 years ago, when I was frozen and turned in a Christmas tree? That was neat, let's do that again.

 **Mai we b demns Of Imortl Gofik**

 _ **Tara Gilesbie**_

MIKE: That's how I like my poems, short and… huh, short.

 **2 al doz flamrs, u fukn sukd. U compland abut hw muck mi stry suxd, wll u sux evn mor.**

CROW: Well, it's hard to argue with that.

 **If u hat diz fic den FUK OFF!11111**

 **(Fangz 2 Gareth Vandersleld 4 recovaing diz fic, dat ment alt 2 me)**

SERVO: Crow, put this Gareth person on the list.

CROW: Which one?

SERVO: Er, all of them. 'cept the one with Jessica Alba on it.

 _ **Chapter 2: Chapter 2**_

 **AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven,**

MIKE: Is that "ew" because she's a girl or because she's a dead person?

 **bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling.**

MIKE: Obviously bloodytearz666 didn't do any overtime.

 **U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!**

CROW: Is that, like, the date in roman numerals or something?

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

 **Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way**

MIKE: I think a name like that borders on child abuse.

SERVO: Darkness Dementia? Are you sure she's not missing an "Adams" somewhere in there?

 **and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name)**

MIKE: That must've been a painful and awkward birth.

 **with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back**

MIKE: Huhuh…

 **and icy blue eyes like limpid tears**

MIKE: Huh… huh…

 **and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!).**

MIKE: ZzZzZz…

CROW: Mike, Wake up!

MIKE: Huh? I'm awake!

 **I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie.**

SERVO: So she WISHES she had a thing for her… brother? Cousin?

CROW: Awkward…

 **I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch,**

CROW: So she's a vampire AND a witch. Something tells me she's also something else… something that starts with an M…

MIKE: Too obvious, let's just move along.

 **and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black.**

MIKE: She probably won't stand out as much at Hogwarts, though.

 **I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there.**

MIKE: Ugh, my God, is this a story or her MySpace profile?

SERVO: I don't think the two are mutually exclusive in this case.

 **For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots.**

SERVO: And a large, black robe. Which is what all students at Hogwarts wear.

CROW: Unless she's movie-verse.

SERVO: If she was, she'd be cut.

 **I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining**

MIKE: At the same time?

 **so there was no sun, which I was very happy about.**

SERVO: So she's a perky goth?

CROW: So no sudden vaporization by a stray sunlight beam, huh? Damn the flanderization of vampires during the last decade. I blame Buffy.

 **A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.**

MIKE: I feel a growing empathy and understanding of the character.

SERVO: What are you talking about?

MIKE: Reading this fic is making me die inside.

" **Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was….** **Draco Malfoy!**

MIKE: Dum dum Dah!

" **What's up Draco?" I asked.**

" **Nothing." he said shyly.**

SERVO: There's just so many plot twists, I'm literally on the edge of my seat.

CROW: Draco. Shy. Riiiiiiight…

 **But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.**

MIKE: So she's a gothic witch vampire, who puts up the middle finger when people so much as look at her, and yet has friends. I bet they're a charming bunch.

SERVO: If you catch them between blood orgies and animal sacrifices.

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

 **AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!**

MIKE: Who's this fangz person she keeps referring to?

SERVO: Jack Chick's dog-thing, I think.

CROW: Kudos to anyone who got that reference.

 **Chapter 3: Chapter 3**

 **AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!**

MIKE: Perhaps that's a clue to something, don't you think?

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

 **The next day I woke up in my bedroom.**

CROW: Well, that certainly makes a change. Usually I wake up in someone else's bedroom. Who would've thought that the Ravenclaw Quidditch team had such stamina?

 **It was snowing and raining again.**

MIKE: Again. At the same time?

 **I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends.**

MIKE: There goes the Sears catalogue.

SERVO: I swear, she's going to try and sell us black and pink, lacey, topperware thingies by the time this fic ends.

CROW: But they're such great bargains.

 **I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on.**

MIKE: All ready for a night out, then. Er, day. This is confusing.

SERVO: I'm half surprised the author didn't took this opportunity to write up some softcore porn.

CROW: Just wait, I can see the IKEA erotica coming from a mile away.

 **I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.**

 **My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!)**

MIKE: You mean the dead person?

 **woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes.**

SERVO: Is she a vampire too?

MIKE: Should I mention that people usually open their eyes when they wake up and not five minutes after, or is that just too obvious?

CROW: Whatever, you just did.

SERVO: If this Raven person is actually Willow. Who's Ebony?

CROW: She's Tara, the author.

MIKE: Huh.

SERVO: I can feel the lesbian undertones.

 **She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)**

MIKE: G-o-o-o-d! Is this any relevant? Is there going to be a murder and the only clue we have is that the murderer had a Marilyn Manson t-shirt?.. Actually I'd enjoy that.

SERVO: Keep your cool, Mike. I see dialogue up ahead, the endless description is over.

CROW: So's the whole day.

" **OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly.**

MIKE: How very upbeat for a gothic witch vampire.

" **Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.**

MIKE: But, under her twenty pounds of white foundation, it was undetectable.

SERVO: Are you sure she's blushing, and that some inopportune ray of sunshine didn't hit her in the face, no? Ok, go on.

" **Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.**

MIKE: So they're Slytherins. I thought the Sorthing Hat would've, you know, created a special house for them. Like someplace at the bottom of the lake. Or someplace really sunny.

" **No I so fucking don't!" I shouted.**

SERVO: So they're gothic vampire-witches…

MIKE: Who act like thirtheen year old girls high on sugar.

CROW: And dress like 23 year old skanks.

" **Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.**

" **Hi." he said.**

" **Hi." I replied flirtily.**

MIKE: OH MY GOD! Ebony, he said "hi" to you, he must totally love you!

SERVO: Shut up, Willow-Raven, boys are gross!

CROW: Yeah, now let's make out!

SERVO: …That's not where I was going, Crow.

" **Guess what." he said.**

MIKE: And it's time for another fantastic edition of… Complete the guess!

SERVO: I'm guessing… the sixth dermatologist came and now they're all recommending long exposure to sunlight for gothic vampires?

CROW: I'm guessing… she's been voted off the island. I mean the castle.

" **What?" I asked.**

MIKE: She's really no fun.

" **Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me.**

[MIKE & The bots simply stare]

MIKE: Good Charlotte are… having a concert in Hogsmeade.

SERVO: Sure. 2009's tour is New York, Montreal, Hogsmeade, and if they have time, London, Paris and Rome.

" **Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I** _ **love**_ **GC.**

MIKE: No coffee for Ebony…

SERVO: Or the blood of someone who recently drank caffeine.

 **They are my favorite band, besides MCR.**

" **Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.**

 **I gasped.**

MIKE: Please let it be because of a stake through the heart.

 **Chapter 4: Chapter 4**

 **AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte.**

MIKE: I have lost the will to live.

SERVO: While I agree that flaming is rather stupid, the fact that so many people appear to give harsh criticism should serve as some sort of alert signal to tell her her story ain't no good.

CROW: Then why aren't we giving detailed, insightful criticism to help her improve instead of just delivering snarky comments?

SERVO: Because it's funny?

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

 **On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress**

MIKE & THE BOTS: WE! DON'T! CARE!

SERVO: How hard is it to simply write "I dressed". How about letting us in on her thoughts, getting some character development? Right now she's little more than a cardboard cutout or a Barbie doll.

CROW: Would explain all the dress-up.

 **with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms.**

MIKE: (Grumpy) I hope she's fat.

 **I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists.**

[Everyone simply keels over]

MIKE: She's going to see a group she loves with a guy she's crazy about! What does she have to be depressed about?

SERVO: She slit one of her wrists… she slit one of her wrists… she…

[MIKE hits SERVO over the head]

SERVO: Thanks, I needed that.

CROW: Well, you wanted character development.

SERVO: Great, now she's a batshit cardboard cutout. Weepee!

 **I read a depressing book**

MIKE: Seriously? What was it? My immortal: The fanfic, the movie, the novel?

 **while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner.**

MIKE: TONS. That's important. TONS.

SERVO: Bet she'll have really muscular eye… muscle… things… argh!

 **Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.**

MIKE: Why am I picturing like, half the student body dead and lying around her crypt?

SERVO: Why does she bother drinking blood? She's just gonna lose it when she slits her other wrist.

 **I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car.**

MIKE: Which are illegal.

SERVO: …Wait, NOW you worry about canon?

CROW: Besides, what's illegal's cool.

 **He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too),**

MIKE: Simple plan, seriously?

SERVO: I may able to excuse Good Charlotte by saying that she was feeling especially light and fluffy that day, minus the self-mutilation and stuff, but Simple Plan?

CROW: Simple Plan? Who else is at this concert, Celine Dion?

 **baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).**

MIKE: Yeah, and so does their boyfriends!

" **Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice.**

SERVO: I want to jab that exclamation point in her eye.

MIKE: That tone, I want you and I must have you now.

CROW: Be careful what you wish for.

" **Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert.**

SERVO: The place with the concert. Right…

CROW: And then, after, we went to, like, the place where there's food, and then the place where we had sex, and then the place where we slit our wrists.

 **On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs.**

MIKE: Maybe stoned she'll behave a little more like a goth.

SERVO: That's nice.

CROW: I could use one right about now.

MIKE: What? You have no lungs!

CROW: I still enjoy giving you cancer through secondary smoke, Mike!

 **When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.**

SERVO: You know, if we'd replace the names and words "Draco" with "Bill" and "Hogwarts with "Generic boarding school", and removed the vampire and witches reference, would it change ANYTHING in the story?

CROW: What about the flying car?

SERVO: I blame the drugs.

" _ **You come in cold, you're covered in blood They're all so happy you've arrived The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom She sets you free into this life."**_ **sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song).**

MIKE: I'm shocked and aghast.

SERVO: Me too.

CROW: Me three… What's aghast mean?

" **Joel is** _ **so**_ **fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.**

 **Suddenly Draco looked sad.**

SERVO: I hope she brought her cutting kit.

" **What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.**

" **Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.**

CROW: Yeah, he's a hot, rich, band singer, and you're a cardboard cutout witch-goth jerkass acting completely out of character. There's no contest.

" **Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.**

SERVO: No, I'm just messing with you.

" **Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel**

MIKE: Which, I find, given her level of Mary Sue-ness, all gothic that she may be, surprising.

SERVO: That was very wordy, Mike.

MIKE: Thanks. Word of the day toilet paper.

 **and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.**

MIKE: No jealousy there, no sir-y.

 **The night went on really well,**

MIKE: Are you a depressed Goth who slits her wrist at nothing or a perky vampire who just enjoys recreational drugs and a good concert every now and then? Pick one and stick with it!

CROW: We have to replace the living room window. Canon, continuity and coherence just went right out of there.

 **and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them.**

MIKE: In that order.

 **We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into… the Forbidden Forest!**

MIKE: Dum dum… ah, screw it.

 **Chapter 5: Chapter 5**

 **AN: I sed stup flaming**

MIKE: They will if you stop writing.

 **ok ebony's name is ENOBY nut mary su OK!**

SERVO: Her given name is Ebony, or… Enoby, apparently, but in her heart, it's Mary Sue.

 **DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent!**

SERVO: Either that or it's the brain tumor eating away at his frontal lobes.

MIKE: Wish I had one of those right now.

 **dey nu eechodder b4 ok!**

SERVO: Thank you for pointing that out here, and not, you know, in the story. That saves up space for one of those important wardrobe descriptions.

CROW: Where's Harry in all this?

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

" **DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"**

MIKE: Make her get out of the car and drive off, please…

 **Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.**

" **What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily.**

" **Ebony?" he asked.**

" **What?" I snapped.**

MIKE: Why's she so mad? Shouldn't this be, I dunno, dangerous and exciting for her?

SERVO: And also depressing, for some reason.

CROW: Seriously, where are the rest of the familiar Harry Potter cast?

 **Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts)**

MIKE: For all the magic they have, they sure are acting a lot like muggles.

 **which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore.**

CROW: Yeah, depression and evil are such turn ons.

SERVO: Well, you know what they say, evil is sexy.

MIKE: And depression?

CROW: I'm going to go with "bi-polar" on this one.

 **And then… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately.**

SERVO: Just as you… what?

 **Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree.**

MIKE: Now I want to slit my wrists.

 **He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra.**

SERVO: With the amount of clothes she described putting out, that must've took about an hour.

CROW: That's her idea of foreplay.

 **Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.**

MIKE: I feel so dirty.

SERVO: That is the orange of all lemons.

CROW: Insert part A in hole B. Take out. Repeat until part A is satisfied.

" **Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed.**

MIKE: I knew it. She's Santa too.

SERVO: Don't you mean Satan?

MIKE: No, I meant she's a gothic witch vampire who brings presents to small children on Christmas' Eve.

 **I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….**

" **WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"**

SERVO: What, they're related?

MIKE: Is Draco really Gerard Way?

 **It was….Dumbledore!**

SERVO: Out for his midnight stroll in the forbidden forest.

 **Chapter 6: Chapter 6**

 **AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr!**

MIKE: It's a hard choice, but I will choose the flame.

 **Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok**

MIKE: No, NOT OK. You can't just handwave sloppy writing in one of your little author's notes. If you're going to use someone else's characters, at least have the decency to have them act correctly or justify their erratic behavior! What do you guys think?

SERVO: Huh? I wasn't listening to you.

CROW: Sure, a perm would look great on you Mike.

 **an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx!**

SERVO: …Why?

MIKE: Don't! She's going to bring up another "author's note".

 **PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!**

MIKE & THE BOTS: FREEDOM!

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

 **Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.**

MIKE: Seriously, someone gave her good reviews?

SERVO: Her mother, that old Spanish woman who doesn't speak English, and three other people suspiciously called "TaraEbony", "EbonyTara" and "TheWriterFormelyKnownAsTara".

" **You ludacris fools!" he shouted.**

 **I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face.**

SERVO: … Why?

CROW: Did she slit her eyelids now?

MIKE: I'm guessing she cries tears of blood because she's a vampire. Although WHY she's crying is a different matter.

SERVO: One minute, she's a depressed self-mutilating vampire, the next she's a hyper twelve year, now she's the girl of the week from One Tree Hill.

MIKE: I thought I made the pop culture references here?

 **Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry.**

MIKE: Why-y-y-y-y?

CROW : Shouldn't he be taking them to Madam Pomfrey to discuss safe sex or something?

SERVO: Why is McGonagall here? They're both Slytherin.

" **They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice.**

CROW: Sexual intercourse. That's the best way to describe it, it certainly wasn't "making love" or "having sex", there simply was no love or passion there.

SERVO: Is he mad about the fact that they were having sex or that they were in the forbidden forest?

" **Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall.**

SERVO: Again, which? Have sex or go in the forbidden forest?

" **How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape.**

 **And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!"**

SERVO: We know each other's names and have exchanged about a dozen words! It's true love!

MIKE: I mean, she's a vampire… with none of the charm of the Cullens, none of the raw sexual magnetism of Lestat, or even the coolness of Buffy's vampires. Who wouldn't want her?

 **Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms."**

MIKE: What the. What kind of discipline are they teaching? They insult them for a minute, then don't even address what they did and send them to their rooms? That's how six years old turn bad.

 **Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.**

" **Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.**

" **Yeah I guess." I lied.**

SERVO: Can't get characterization be constant across chapters? Three chapters ago, she seemed like the person who would put up the finger at Dumbledore.

 **I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels.**

MIKE: That doesn't seem very comfortable to sleep in.

CROW: Comfortable is for pussies!

SERVO: She slits her wrists when she's mildly bummed, I doubt she cares about comfort.

 **When I came out….**

MIKE: Knew it.

 **Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte.**

[Mike & The Bots burst out laughing]

MIKE: Seriously?

SERVO: That's not like a romantic song, or even the intro to Dawson's Creek. It must sound ridiculous without any music.

 **I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.**

 **Chapter 7: Chapter 7**

 **AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!**

MIKE: She keeps saying that, but she always does anyway.

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

 **The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple.**

SERVO: Because she couldn't use a spell.

MIKE: This is like a fan of Harry Potter played a particularly tasteless madlib. The words are there but they make no sense in context.

 **In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood.**

[MIKE & The bots make faces at the image of bloody Count Chocula cereal]

 **Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.**

" **Bastard!" I shouted angrily.**

MIKE: Nothing gets blood out!

SERVO: …Yeah, that sounds about right.

 **I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it.**

MIKE: Oh God, they're reproducing.

SERVO: Didn't anyone think the sudden increase in Goths had something to do with magic?

 **He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face**

CROW: He was wearing so much eyeliner that SHE was slipping away from his face?

MIKE: Now there's an image.

 **and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn't have glasses anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's**

MIKE: They're wizards and witches! Why don't they use magic?

SERVO: Mad-lib.

 **and there was no scar on his forhead anymore.**

SERVO: Is he Harry Potter?

MIKE: How can you tell?

 **He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent.**

SERVO: How? He hasn't opened his mouth yet.

MIKE: Of course, in England, they just call it speaking normally.

 **He looked exactly like Joel Madden.**

MIKE: Then why not just use a half-assed excuse to get Joel Madden at Hogwarts?

 **He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko.**

CROW: That's it. She's twelve.

MIKE: She's a girl? Seriously? Didn't she want to add hermaphrodite to her never-ending list of qualitative?

" **I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.**

MIKE: What's with them dressing to attract the most attention but then acting all shy?

" **That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.**

" **My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled.**

SERVO: Vampire Potter?

MIKE: It hurts me. It physically hurts me.

" **Why?" I exclaimed.**

" **Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled.**

MIKE: Tee-hee!

SERVO: Glee!

CROW: Blood orgies!

" **Well, I** _ **am**_ **a vampire." I confessed.**

" **Really?" he whimpered.**

" **Yeah." I roared.**

MIKE: The fact that she was drinking blood and putting more blood in her Count Chocula didn't tip you off?

CROW: She's just craving attention.

SERVO: No kidding?

 **We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.**

MIKE: They're going to have sex. "I have a surprise" is the most subtlety this fic can muster.

 **Chapter 8: Chapter 8**

 **AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws.**

MIKE: Seriously? You did? Show them to me, I want proof.

 **n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Evony isn't a Marie Sue ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS! n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake!**

MIKE: She has problems, alright. So. Many. Problems.

SERVO: I think she doesn't have a firm grasp on the concept of Mary Sue.

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXZXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

 **Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?).**

[Mike & The bots stare for a minute]

MIKE: Yes. It so does.

 **I waved to Vampire.**

SERVO: So she's not going to even bother to call him Harry Potter then.

 **Dark misery was in his depressed eyes.**

MIKE: They shouldn't be eating Count Chocula, they should be eating spoonful of Zolofts.

 **I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door.**

MIKE: They're dormitories!

CROW: Blood orgies!

SERVO: Quit it.

 **Then…**

 **We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically.**

MIKE: And an hour of layers of clothing later.

 **He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)**

MIKE: (disbelieving) …Yes.

SERVO: I'm just happy she's not more descriptive about it.

CROW: Does she even know what his boy thing is? For all we know they're talking about his gameboy.

SERVO: There's an image.

" **Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm.**

SERVO: How? They saw each other naked before.

MIKE: Might be a recent tattoo.

SERVO: There are no tattoo artists at Hogwarts!

CROW: They could just use, I don't know, magic?

SERVO: …right, they don't think about using magic to change their eyes or color their hair, but tattoos, no problem.

 **It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words… Vampire!**

MIKE: (deadpan) what a plot twist.

 **I was so angry.**

" **You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.**

" **No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much.**

SERVO: You know absolutely nothing! All you saw was a tattoo with the word "vampire" in it, which, for all you know, might mean you!

" **No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!"**

MIKE: I'm surprised they're not using black leather condoms.

 **I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what**

CROW: No, what? Right feet?

MIKE: Kylie Minogue CD collection?

SERVO : Speech impediment

 **but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people.**

SERVO: And she knew this… how?

MIKE: I honestly stopped caring about this making sense three chapters ago.

CROW: Why wasn't she in class?

" **VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled.**

SERVO: Dumbledore was right, she and Draco ARE related.

MIKE: So who is whose mother?

[The fanfic turns to static]

MIKE: …That was the worst thing. Ever.

CROW: You mean worse than…

MIKE: Let's not do that.

[Servo walks out of Cambot's sight range for a minute and returns with a game of monopoly.]

[Sometime later.]

SERVO: Welcome to Hotel Servo on the Boardwalk, Mike. You now owe me 17 gagillion dollars. I accept organs, if you're out of cash.

MIKE: Man, why do my little shoe feel like making a stop there every time? It's not like the service was so great last time.

SERVO: I resent that.

CROW: Ok, my turn, my turn!

[Crow rolls the dices and lands on a "chance". He picks up a card.]

CROW: You successfully pull of a Ben Maddof scheme, grab all the money of the other players and run off into the night.

TZIGANE: That card looks suspiciously handwritten, Crow. Handwritten by someone who has very stiff arms and fingers.

CROW: …She asked you a question, Mike!

[The tv turns itself on. A message reads: My Immortal, part 2.]


	4. Episode 3 and a half

[Mike and the bots reluctantly head back to the couch]

MIKE: Alright… What's Ebony up to now, cutting herself for no reason while spending HOURS dressing up?

SERVO: Mike, that's ALL she does.

 **Chapter 8.**

 **AN: stop flassing ok! if u do de prep!**

[Mike lets out a long, suffering groan]

CROW: So she wants people to stop flashing her. I guess that's fair.

SERVO: And if they do, apparently they're… prepared. For something.

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXX**

 **Everyone in the class stared at me and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back.**

 **"Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly.**

SERVO: Oh, the angst.

MIKE: At least something is happening. At last.

CROW: The idea of a naked Draco begging the Devil's spawn to take him back isn't what I consider "stuff happening". Oh, who am I kidding?

 **My friend B'loody Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly.**

MIKE: Bee-loody Mary?

SERVO: Smith? Guess they thought that since her last name was so common, they'd go all out on her first name.

 **She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on.**

SERVO: Not content with just butchering grammar, now she wishes to murder syntax as well.

MIKE: They're all wearing contact lenses, aren't they? All red…

[Mike takes a deep breath]

MIKE: THEY'RE WIZARDS!

 **She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on.**

SERVO: So she looks like EVERYBODY else in this fic. Even the guys! Are they Pokémon? THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME!

CROW: Go, Gothicsue!

 **Hermione was kidnapped when she was born.**

MIKE: Wait, Hermione?

 **Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch**

MIKE: …No, just… no.

 **but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it.**

SERVO: I like how they're so casual about it. Oh, and then her father killed himself. For kicks.

 **She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed.**

MIKE: Not only are they completely similar in appearance, but now in personality as well.

SERVO: Maybe this isn't her friend Bee-loody Mary. Maybe it's just a mirror.

 **It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger.**

MIKE: So they changed her last name, her first name, her appearance and her personality…

SERVO: Why not just make an original character, then?

 **(Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. )**

 **"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" Snape demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.**

SERVO: Why is it that Dumbledore launches f-bombs, but Snape, of all people, sounds like he's under a G-rated hex?

 **"Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I shouted at him.**

CROW: ...No, Draco cheated on her with Vampire. It's the other way around! She's not even consistent across one chapter!

SERVO: How does she know he cheated? That tattoo could be years old, for all she knows.

 **Everyone gasped.**

MIKE: Well, if this was the regular Potter-verse, this WOULD be quite a plot twist.

CROW: And legions of fangirls sqee with glee.

 **I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me.**

SERVO: And now she's having an out-of-body experience.

MIKE: I feel like I just drank a large bottle of drain cleaner. Feels nice.

 **I had went out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony)**

SERVO: Ah, I see. We've suddenly switched perspective, and now Draco is the narrator. How does he know she's bi?

 **for a while but then he broke my heart.**

MIKE: Hopefully with a stake through it.

 **He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker.**

MIKE: Maybe, but at least she puts out.

 **We were just good friends now.**

MIKE: Right, you guys stay here while I go and get shovels.

CROW: Why shovels?

MIKE: For canon, I think it's time to give it a decent burial.

 **He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.)**

MIKE: This keeps getting worse, they don't even bother to mention what the traumatising events are anymore, she just goes with the general "problems".

SERVO: Hey, Mike, remember when you put your shoes on the wrong feet?

MIKE: Oh my God, I had blocked that out… what a horrible tragedy that was. I'm going to go goth.

 **"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire.**

 **"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" I screamed. I ran out of the room**

SERVO: So she went and deliberately sought Harry out to… run away. Right.

 **and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility**

CROW: Virility? Now that could apply to every male characters of this fic.

 **to Draco and then I started to bust into tears.**

 **Chapter 9.**

AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox! dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers!

MIKE: What? Who's writing this story? The movies? What is she talking about?

SERVO: I don't know, I think she's crazy.

 **besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist! MCR ROX!**

SERVO: Snape is a Christian? …How… is that… even…

[Servo's dome emits sparks]

CROW: Why does she feel the need to justify Snape hating Harry? He's always hated Harry because of his parents, no amount of gothic and out of character behaviour is going to change that.

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXX**

 **I was so mad and sad.**

Mike: Must be the Syphilis.

 **I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me.**

SERVO: But he said two minutes ago he didn't cheat on you, he went out with him and they broke up. It's implied it was before he met you!... Or, was it?

CROW: With the author's screwed logic, who knows?

 **I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco.  
Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes **

MIKE: Was he wearing contacts?

 **and no nose and everything**

SERVO: EVERYTHING WHAT?!

 **started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn't have a nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie)**

MIKE: Geez, do you think it's Voldemort?

SERVO: I'm not sure, she's trying so hard to keep the suspense.

 **and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic. It was… Voldemort!**

ALL: (deadpan) No shit.

 **"No!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted "Imperius!" and I couldn't run away.**

MIKE: Why the mind control curse? Why not "crucio" or a paralysis spell? Or why not just hit her with a brick? Why?

 **"Crookshanks!" I shouted at him.**

SERVO: What, the cat?

MIKE: Why is the cat there?

CROW: Why is she shouting the cat's name at Voldemort?

 **Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream.**

SERVO: The cat's name is a spell?

 **I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped.**

[Mike and the bots simply stare]

SERVO: She… has Voldemort at her mercy. And she stopped. Because she felt bad for him.

[Servo's dome begins to smoke]

MIKE: She could've rid the world of the most dangerous dark wizard right there and now. And she stops… Oh my God, I can't even laugh or cry at this. I just feel numb.

 **"Ebony." he yelled. "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!"**

 **I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden.**

CROW: Right, Ebony, NOW's the time to have erotic fantasies about Harry.

 **I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up?**

MIKE: I want to hit her.

CROW: What? Ew.

MIKE: No, I meant litteraly, I want to take a blunt object and just…

SERVO: …Mike, I think this fic is getting to you.

 **"No, Voldemort!" I shouted back.**

 **Voldemort gave me a gun. "No! Please!" I begged.**

MIKE: Why a gun?

SERVO: She's got a wand! And she's a vampire! Why does she need a gun.

CROW: Wait, isn't Harry a vampire too? Shouldn't she need a stake!

 **"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!"**

MIKE: Looks like those dialect lessons Wormtail gave Voldemort for Christmas have really kicked in.

SERVO: If Voldemort can kill Draco so effortlessly, why can't he kill Harry himself?

 **"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.**

SERVO: That's actually a good question. And I'm surprised this fic is addressing it.

 **Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. "I hath telekinesis." he answered cruelly.**

[Mike and the bots simply look lifeless on the couch]

MIKE: I don't even care.

 **"And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!" he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick.**

CROW: Should we point out all that was wrong with that?

SERVO: She went into the forbidden forest and nothing attacked her, Voldemort at Hogwarts, Voldemort knew where she was, Voldemort giving her a gun to kill Harry,

 **I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods.**

 **"Draco!" I said. "Hi!"**

 **"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) between Joel Madden and Gerard Way.**

MIKE: Yeah, I do. It's NOT funny.

SERVO: His makeup, that's the thing to focus on right now… Good grief, Ebony, did that whole segment with Voldemort already flip out of your head?

 **"Are you okay?" I asked.**

 **"No." he answered.**

 **"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled.**

 **"That's okay." he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out.**

SERVO: So she's not even going to address the whole voldemort thing?

CROW: I think that particular plot point already fell in a plot hole. I hope.

 **Chapter 10.**

MIKE: Ugh, it's never going to be over.

 **AN: stup it u gay fags**

SERVO: Isn't that a bit redundant?

MIKE: Like calling Ebony a Mary Sue?

 **if u donot lik ma story den fukk off!**

MIKE: Can't. Bile fascination.

 **ps it turnz out b'loody mary isn't a muggle afert al n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok!**

MIKE: But Slytherin aren't evil, they're just… jerks.

CROW: This girl rapes the canon so much, we should call the police.

SERVO: Canon is going to be walking funny after this story.

MIKE: Crow!

CROW: What? Tom said it!

MIKE: Sorry, force of habit.

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

 **I was really scared about Vlodemort all day.**

MIKE: She slit her wrists. Just 'cause.

 **I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666**

MIKE: Evil.

SERVO: From Hell.

CROW: Who enjoy drowning kittens.

 **I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR.**

SERVO: Really, what kind of people?

MIKE: People who have never heard Good Charlotte, Slipknot or My Chemical Romance.

 **The other people in the band are B'loody Mary,**

MIKE: Playing the triangle.

 **Vampire,**

SERVO: The tuba.

 **Draco,**

CROW: The tambourine

 **Ron**

CROW: I'm going with air guitar here.

SERVO: I would've been happy with "clapping hands".

 **(although we call him Diabolo now. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.)**

SERVO: She's not even trying to justify the random name, personality and appearance changes anymore!

 **and Hargrid.**

MIKE: (unsure) Okay, I guess.

 **Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren't coming**

CROW: Yeah, I find that suspicious.

SERVO: Just today they're depressed? Seriously?

 **and we wrote songs instead. I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn't die because he was a vampire too**

MIKE: Did she make him into a vampire? Or has he always been a vampire?

SERVO: Have his parents been retconned into vampires too now?

CROW: There is going to be one big author's note next chapter.

 **and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there's no way I'm writing that) or a steak)**

MIKE: Ok, Servo, you head to the nearest church, Crow, with me to the butcher's.

SERVO: That's probably not what she… oh, what the hell.

 **and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride.**

[Everyone stares]

MIKE: …Yeah, ok.

 **I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. You might think I'm a slut but I'm really not.**

CROW: We don't think that, slut.

SERVO: Yeah, I mean, you put on revealing clothes and put out on the first date. In the forest. That's what every respectable girl does.

 **We were singing a cover of 'Helena' and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears.**

MIKE: Must be the depression.

 **"Ebony! Are you OK?" B'loody Mary asked in a concerted voice.**

MIKE: …Well, at least I'm sure that concerted voice is really going to come in handy during band practice.

 **"What the fuck do you think?" I asked angrily. And then I said. "Well, Voldemort came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry!**

SERVO: Don't you mean Vampire?

 **But I don't want to kill him, because, he's really nice,**

MIKE: You know, when's not boinking my boyfriend, cutting himself, being depressed or drinking people's blood.

 **even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don't kill Harry, then Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!" I burst into tears.**

SERVO: Here's a solution, go back in time and this time, DON'T release Voldemort from your spell when you have him at your mercy.

MIKE: Again, why can he kill Draco, but not Harry?

 **Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall.**

MIKE: And into another wall, bang!

CROW: There's a wallbanger.

SERVO: So many…

 **"Why didn't you fucking tell me!" he shouted. "How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!" (c is dat out of character?)**

[Everyone stares. Again.]

ALL: …YES?!

 **I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying.**

CROW: Caution, wet floor because of all the crying.

SERVO: BAM! Draco accidentally slipped on the floor, slipped into Harry and impaled them both on an inconveniently placed… steak… yeah.

MIKE: And Ebony too, even though she was like 20 feet away.

 **We practiced for one more hour.**

MIKE: They had to wait for low tides, apparently.

 **Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn't cause he had a headache.**

SERVO: Stomach ache?

 **"What have you done!" He started to cry wisely.**

MIKE: Crying wisely... yeah, sure, why not?

CROW: Is there, like, high pollen concentration in this room?

SERVO: How do you even know they're in a room. This fic's been a formless void of description, 'cept for clothes, since the first chapter.

CROW: I just assumed.

 **(c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y)**

MIKE: (deadpan) Please, don't keep us waiting. The suspense is killing me.

 **"Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists."**

SERVO: Didn't she just said like… ten lines above that Draco is a vampire and wouldn't die by slitting his wrists?

MIKE: This simply doesn't make sense! Why is it Ebony's fault? Why did Draco kill himself?

CROW: Huh… Because Voldemort wanted to kill him because Ebony wouldn't kill Harry?

MIKE: So Draco could've killed Harry, and he and Ebony could've just ridden into the sunset.

CROW: And burn to ashes.

MIKE: Yeah! I like that!

SERVO: So we're calling him Harry again, then, not Vampire?

 **Chapter 11.**

 **AN: i sed stup flaming up prepz! c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111 it delz wit rly sris issus!**

SERVO: For those of you not outfitted with universal translators, that was "it deals with really serious issues".

CROW: Like suicide, vampire suicide.

MIKE : And people trying to pressure you into doing things you don't want to. Like killing your friends.

SERVO: Things teenagers and young adults deal with every day.

 **sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid brw fangz 2 ma frend raven 4 hleping me!**

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

 **"NO!" I screamed. I was horrorfied! B'loody Mary tried to comfort me but I told her fuck off and I ran to my room crying myself. Dumbledore chased after me shouting**

MIKE: A fine psychologist, Dumbledore.

SERVO: Was he swearing?

 **but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way.**

[Mike stares blankly for a minute, then takes one of the couch's cushion and proceeds to scream into it. After a minute, he puts it back down].

MIKE: I'm all good now.

 **Anyway,**

SERVO: (slightly scared ) Yes, anyway.

 **I started crying tears of blood and then I slit both of my wrists.**

MIKE: But I'm a vampire, so I won't die!

SERVO: But then, so was Draco, and he did die.

CROW: Ebony's head then explodes from the contradiction.

 **They got all over my clothes so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume. I grabbed a steak**

[Mike and the bots move to the edge of the couch]

MIKE: Do it, don't tangle the dream and then take it away.

 **and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide.**

SERVO: Almost?

CROW: Damn tease.

 **I was so fucking depressed! I got out of the bathtub and put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly.I put on black high heels with pink metal stuff on the ends and six pairs of skull earrings.**

MIKE: Even through all the drama and depression, it's nice to know she still has time for clothes.

 **I couldn't fucking believe it. Then I looked out the window and screamed… Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating to it!**

MIKE: Masticating the video tape? That can't be good for the tape.

 **They were sitting on their broomsticks.**

MIKE: So that implies her room is above ground.

SERVO: And has windows.

CROW: And hopefully sunlight, lots of sunlight.

SERVO: incidentally, I thought the Slytherin dormitories were under ground.

 **"EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!"**

SERVO: You're not naked now, you're dressed!

 **I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason on it.**

MIKE: Is that, like, her final piece of clothing?

SERVO: That's a very nice towel-dress.

 **Suddenly Vampire ran in.**

CROW: So he can bust in without looking like a perv?

 **"Abra Kedavra!" he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb.**

SERVO: Now he's a depressed, gothic, TRANSEXUAL vampire.

MIKE: (singing) I'm just a Sweet Transvestite from Transexual, Transylvania.

 **I took my gun and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times**

MIKE: I hope that was figurative.

CROW: Whatever.

 **and they both started screaming and the camera broke.**

SERVO: I thought Harry had just used the killing curse on them?

 **Suddenly, Dumblydore ran in. "Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he shouted looking at Snape and Loopin and then he waved his wand and suddenly…**

MIKE: So, is he upset because Harry killed both Snape and Lupin, because Ebony turned them into bloody mist with a gazillion bullets, or because the tape of her naked has been destroyed.

SERVO: It's nice how all of this took our minds away from Draco's death.

 **Hargrid ran outside on his broom and said everyone we need to talk.**

MIKE: Ran outside. On his broom.

SERVO: Why outside? They're in Ebony's room!

 **"What do you know, Hargrid? You're just a little Hogwarts student!"**

MIKE: …Gimme the cushion, gimme the cushion!

 **"I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT…." Hargirid paused angrily. "BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!"**

 **"This cannot be." Snap said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Dumblydore's wand had shot him. "There must be other factors."**

 **"YOU DON'T HAVE ANY!" I yelled in madly.**

MIKE: …Tzigane?

[Tzigane pops up from behind the couch]

TZIGANE: 'sup?

MIKE: Is the air vacuuming out of the apartment? I feel like my brain is lacking oxygen.

SERVO: It's not you, Mike.

TZIGANE: Everything is A-Ok, Mike, but…

[Tzigane takes a look at the fic]

TZIGANE: Oh dear. I could depressurise the apartment, if you want me to. You'd die in horrible agony, but…

MIKE: Thanks, I'll keep it in mind.

 **Loopin held up the camera triumelephantly. "The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!"**

MIKE: I'm going to die! But it was worth it!

 **I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood.**

 **"Why are you doing this?" Loopin said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his clook.**

MIKE: His clock?

SERVO: His cook?

CROW: His…

MIKE: Don't.

CROW: What?

MIKE: You were going to say the actual word.

 **And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint.**

MIKE: Who. Is. she. Talking. about?

 **"BECAUSE…BECAUSE…." Hargid said and he paused in the air dramitaclly,**

SERVO: They're all very dramatic.

 **waving his wand in the air. Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent.**

[Everyone grabs a sofa cushion and proceed to scream into them for a good minute]

MIKE: That is just. That is just… I have no word.

SERVO: That is the worst thing. EVER.

 **"Because you're goffic?" Snap asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with Satan.**

SERVO: Right, I forgot, Snape is a Christian now.

 **"Because I LOVE HER!"**

MIKE: Ugh, everyone's in love with her.

 **Chapter 12.**

 **AN: stop f,aing ok hargrid is a pedo 2 a lot of ppl in amerikan skoolz r lik dat I wunted 2 adres da ishu!**

MIKE: Address? The issue is a very, VERY faint spot on the horizon.

SERVO: You know, we're using that all caps thing a lot lately.

CROW: It's to symbolise our growing descent into madness.

 **how du u no snap iant kristian plus hargrid isn't really in luv wif ebony dat was sedric ok!**

MIKE: …Ok, if I am going to survive this, I need to change my attitude.

SERVO: What do you mean?

MIKE: Ok, so Hagrid got into a freak accident with a time turner and is now a Hogwart student again, but retained his maturity, which is why he's a pedo. But, surprise, it wasn't really Hagrid, but really Cedric, who had used polyjuice potion to masquerade as Hagrid. Makes perfect sense.

[Mike begins to chuckle madly]

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

 **I was about to slit my wrists again with the silver knife that Drago had given me in case anything happened to him.**

SERVO: Please, do.

 **He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy but I knew that we must both go together.**

 **"NO!" I THOUGHT IT WAS HAIRgrid but it was Vampire. He started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.**

SERVO: Thought he didn't have a scar anymore.

MIKE: Obviously, in between the time everyone ranted about random stuff in  
Ebony's room and the time she decided to kill herself, Harry ran into Voldemort, got into a fight and got another magic scar.

 **I stopped. "How did u know?"**

 **"I saw it! And my scar turned back into the lightning bolt!"**

 **"NO!" I ran up closer. "I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted.**

 **"I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation." he said back. "Anyway my scar hurt and it turned back into the lightning bolt! Save me! then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco….Volfemort has him bondage!"**

MIKE: Ah, a very clever plot twist! Voldemort used ancient forbidden magic to revive Draco, and is now holding him bondage, in the hopes that Ebony will kill Harry to get it back.

 **Anyway I was in the school nurse's office now recovering from my slit wrists. Snap and Loopin and HAHRID were there too.**

MIKE: I like how she keeps introducing all these new characters, Hairgrid, Hargrid, and now hahrid. Names gets a bit confusing, though.

 **They were going to St. Mango's after they recovered cause they were pedofiles and you can't have those fucking pervs teaching in a school with lots of hot gurlz.**

SERVO: Poor Ebony, must be difficult to be the only buttface in a school full of hot "gurlz".

 **Dumbledore had constipated the cideo camera they took of me naked.**

CROW: Has he tried prunes?

 **I put up my middle finger at them.**

 **Anyway Hargrid came into my hospital bed holding a bouquet of pink roses.**

 **"Enoby I need to tell u somethnig." he said in a v. serious voice, giving me the roses.**

MIKE: Hm, I wonder if this is the real Hagrid, or if this is Cedric disguised as Hagrid.

CROW: This fic really keeps the mystery alive.

 **"Fuck off." I told him. "You know I fucking hate the color pink anyway, and I don't like fucked up preps like you." I snapped. Hargrid had been mean to me before for being gottik.**

MIKE: A bit of character development. Hargrid had been mean to Ebony, now what about Hairgrid and Hahrid?

 **"No Enoby." Hargrid says. "Those are not roses."**

 **"What, are they goffs too you poser prep?" I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink roses.**

CROW: Yeah, what a jerk.

 **"I saved your life!" He yelled angrily. "No you didn't I replied." "You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton p- video made from your shower scene and being vued by Snap and Loopin."**

SERVO: It's really hard to tell who's talking here.

CROW: Let's see. "you saved me" should mean that Ebony is talking, but the "your shower scene" bit means it has to be Hagrid.

SERVO: Unless Lupin and Snape made a video of Hagrid in the shower as well.

 **Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong)**

SERVO: Yes.

 **to it he added silently.**

 **"Whatever!" I yelled angirly.**

 **He pointed his wand at the pink roses. "These aren't roses." He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye and muttered Well If you wanted Honesty that's all you haD TO SAY! .**

 **"That's not a spell that's an MCR song." I corrected him wisely.**

SERVO: So, you used the cat's name as a spell earlier.

 **"I know, I was just warming up my vocal cordes." Then he screamed. "Petulus merengo mi kremicli romacio(4 all u cool goffic mcr fans out, there, that is a tribute! specially for raven I love you girl!)imo noto okayo!"**

 **And then the roses turned into a huge black flame floating in the middle of the air. And it was black. Now I knew he wasn't a prep.**

MIKE: I still can't tell if this is Hagrid or Cedric-as-Hagrid.

 **"OK I believe you now wtf is Drako?"**

SERVO: How would he know?

 **Hairgrid rolled his eyes. I looked into the balls of flame but I could c nothing.**

 **"U c, Enobby," Dumblydore said,**

SERVO: ACK! Where'd he come from?

 **watching the two of us watching the flame. "2 c wht iz n da flmes(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT) u mst find urslf 1st, k?"**

CROW: That's it. I can't take it anymore.

SERVO: Crow?

[CROW gets up and leave]

SERVO: Crow! You can't leave! Mike, say something!

MIKE: She must find herself… this is so deep.

SERVO: …Oh God.

 **"I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN!" Hargrid yelled.**

SERVO: I have found myself! I'm here. I think.

 **dUMBLydore lookd shockd. I guess he didn't have a headache or else he would have said something back.**

 **Hairgrid stormed off back into his bed. "U r a liar, prof dumbledoree!"**

 **Anyway when I got better I went upstairs and put on a black leather minidress that was all ripped on the ends with lace on it. There was some corset stuff on the front. Then I put on black fishnets and black high-heeled boots with pictures of Billie Joe Armstrong on them. I put my hair all out around me so I looked like Samara from the Ring (if u don't know who she iz ur a prep so fuk off!)**

SERVO: If you don't know who she is, you've been living under a rock.

[Servo looks around. Mike is smiling absent-mindedly in the air, and Crow is still nowhere to be found]

SERVO: Also, how's she going to walk around with her hair in her eyes?

[A loud noise of an object banging against a wall is heard]

SERVO: There you go.

 **and I put on blood-red lipstick, black eyeliner and black lip gloss.**

 **"You look kawai, girl." B'loody Mary said sadly.**

SERVO: That's just…

[sparks fly out of Servo's dome]

 **"Fangs (geddit) you do too." I said sadly too, but I was still upset. I slit both of my wrists feeling totally depressed and I sucked all the blood. I cried again in my bathroom and put the shades on so Snap and Loopin couldn't spy on me this time. I went to some classes.**

SERVO: FINALLY! That's the first time she's done that in 12 chapters!

 **Vampire was in the Hair of Magical Magic Creatures.**

SERVO: Taking care of the hair of magical… magic… creatures.

 **He looked all depressed because Draco had disappeared and he had used to be in love with Draco. He was sucking some blood from a Hufflepuff.**

SERVO: In the middle of the classroom. Nobody stopped him. Riiiiiight… And they know where Draco is, Voldemort has him in bondage.

 **"Hi." he said in a depressed way. "Hi back." I said in an wqually said way.**

SERVO: Gleeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

 **We both looked at each other for some time. Harry had beautiful red gothic eyes so much like Dracos. Then… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other.**

SERVO: You're doing it wrong.

 **"STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!" shouted Professor McGoggle who was watching us and so was everyone else.**

SERVO: So they had sex in the middle of the class?

 **"Vampire you fucker!"**

SERVO: That sounds about right.

 **I said slapping him. "Stop trying to screw me. You know I loved Draco!" I shouted and then I ran away angrily.**

SERVO: Again… That's all she ever does. Cut herself, scream and run away. She's literally three-dimensional, one scale for self-mutilation, one scale for screaming and one scale for running.

 **Just then he started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.**

 **"NO!" I ran up closer.**

 **"I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted.**

 **"I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation." he said back. "Anyway my scar hurt and then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco….Volfemort has him bondage!"**

SERVO: Huh, déjà vue.

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXX**

 **SPECIAL FANGZ 2 RAVEN MY GOFFIX BLOOD SISTA WTF UR SUPPOZD 2 RIT DIS!11111111**

 **HEY RAVEN DO U KNOW WHERE MY SWEATER I**

SERVO: Ugh…

[Servo's dome explodes]

-

[Mike is staring at the ceiling absent-mindedly, drooling a bit]

[The fic disappears from the TV, replaced by Dr. Erhardt's face].

DR. ERHARDT: Mike? Servo? Crow?

[ He looks around the room, and a smile creeps on his face]

DR. ERHARDT: I've... I've done it. That's it! I found it! The Master Fic which breaks the human mind! HAHAHAHA! Yes! In your face! In yoo face!

MYSTERIOUS MAN'S VOICE: Not so fast, Larry!

DR. ERHARDT: What?

[Suddenly, Joel Robinson pops in the screen and tackles Dr. Erhardt. Joel is carrying a large comic-styled bomb, with "No More My Immortal" written on it].

[Crow walks back to the living room and sits in front of the TV]

CROW: Thanks Joel!

JOEL: No problem.

[Joel sets the bomb, it rapidly explodes in a large flash of light… and appears to change absolutely nothing, but a few seconds later…]

[Mike comes to].

MIKE: Huh? What happened?

DR. ERHARDT: What'd you do?!

JOEL: I've heard rumours about the infamous, legendary badfic, My immortal, and I had prepared for just such an occasion! I programmed Crow to make sure he would contact me if it would ever come up! I just needed time to finish my anti-my Immortal bomb. It was lucky I happen to finish it five minutes ago.

[Dr. Erhardt stares]

DR. ERHARDT: …WHAT? That makes absolutely no sense! Not to mention completely out of character!

Joel: You should really just relax, Larry.

[Dr. Erhardt gets up to his feet, takes a large mallet out of hammerspace, and hits Joel over the head with it, knocking him out].

DR. ERHARDT: Relax this, Joey-jolly-puddin-'n-pie.

[Dr. Erhardt turns back to face Mike.]

DR. ERHARDT: I am NOT happy. Alright, alright. I can be patient, there will be another My Immortal, Mike, there always this…

[Dr. Erhardt looks at Joel, before turning back to Mike]

DR. ERHARDT: You should prepare the futon, Mike. You'll be getting another arrival very soon.

[Dr. Erhardt presses a switch, which turns off the TV].

MIKE: Another arrival? What do you supposed he meant by that?

[Tzigane crawls to the living room to replace Servo's head]

TZIGANE: I hope he's not going to send him up using the umbilicus…

[She unscrews Servo's exploded head and replaces it with a brand new one].

TZIGANE: Hmm… I only have one spare head left, I hope he won't blow up again soon.

[Later…]

[Mike & The bots are playing Cluedo]

CROW: Alright… I'm accusing Mrs. White with the rope in the kitchen!

[Mike checks, Crow got it right]

SERVO: I think you're cheating, Crow.

CROW: And what do you base this on?

SERVO: Well, first, you have X-Ray eyes, and second, we have been playing for twenty-two seconds.

MIKE: That's incriminating evidence.

[Tzigane gasps]

MIKE: Are you alright?

TZIGANE: …I think I'm about to give birth.

[TZIGANE coughs, and her mouth extends and opens. A huge bubble comes out of it, countaining… Joel!]

[The screen reads "CAMBOT BATTERY LOW"].

Author's note: I know I haven't finished MSTing my Immortal, but the story was simply too bad to keep going. By now, all I could think of for riffs is point out the continuity errors and wallbangers, which got stale after a while. Join us next week for another MSTing!


	5. Episode 4

Episode 4: Joel's return.

[The bots are ecstatic and crowding Joel, who's happily hugging them on the living room sofa. Mike is sitting in a nearby chair].

CROW: Joel, Joel, who'd you miss the most?

JOEL: I missed all you both equally.

CROW: Great, so we're both losers then.

MIKE: I've gotta say, Joel, you look really upbeat for someone who's just been trapped in space.

JOEL: Meh. Whatever happens happens, Mike. You can't fight destiny.

MIKE: …Oh, this is off to a great start.

JOEL: Hey, Tom, did you get a new haircut?

SERVO: Oh, thank you for noticing! Yeah, my head's exploded twice in the last few weeks. This one's brand new.

TZIGANE: You know, since Erhardt based my design on the original Gypsy model, I guess you could say Joel is kind of like my… step-father, thing, unclish… distant relative… type… person.

SERVO: How sweet, she wants to be included in the family.

[Crow grabs Joel and hugs him closely while looking menacingly at Tzigane]

CROW: He's ours! Get your own!

TZIGANE: I can't, I have no arms to run the cloning lab in the basement.

MIKE: Wait, what clo…

[The TV turns itself on, interrupting Mike. Dr. Erhardt's face pops in the frame].

DR. ERHARDT: Ah, I see you've arrived safely, Joel. I calculated you had a twenty-nine to sixty-one chance of either making it safely on the SOL-2, or being horribly mangled in the Umbilicus.

JOEL: Well, twenty nine is my lucky number.

DR. ERHARDT: Yes, yes, that's nice. For today's experiment, I've decided to go through the classics, and dug up a little gem known as "Artemis' Lover". A Sailor moon lemon slashing Artemis and an insufferable Marty Sam called Oscar.

JOEL: For some reason that sounds vaguely familiar.

DR. ERHARDT: I'm sure. I had to wrestle from Dr. Megane's alternate reality simulator, so it's a bit mangled, but it should serve its purpose just fine. Enjoy, labrats!

[The lights of the apartment flash wildly]

JOEL & MIKE: We've got fanfic sign!

 **-**

 **"Artemis's lover"**

MIKE: Hm, I have feeling this fic does exactly what it says on the can. ****

SERVO: What happened to imaginative titles? ****

JOEL: Yeah, what happened to the likes of "Plan 9 from outer space" and "Billy and the Clodosaur?". ****

 **by  
Oscar allias"Artemis's lover"**

JOEL: That's a bit redundant. ****

MIKE: I hope that's not what he calls himself in everyday life. What must his friends think? ****

CROW: You imply he's got friends. ****

 **E-mail= oscaralfonso**

SERVO: We have an email adress. We can put a price on his head. ****

**Author notes:  
Hi,**

EVERYONE, except JOEL: (deadpan) Whatever. ****

 **i'm Oscar, i'm 13 years old,**

SERVO: Warning, Joel Robinson, squick levels critical. ****

**and this is my little white companion,  
Artemis. Anyway Artemis & i, are much more than just amaster and a pet ,**

MIKE: I dread what the next sentence will bring. ****

**its more like a human-cat relation.**

MIKE: I didn't think it was possible, but I'm actually starting to miss "My Immortal". ****

JOEL: I think it's sad the only person who answered his ad for love was a cat. ****

CROW: Wait, is this "cat" the "Felicia of darkstalkers" kind? 'cause that' be ok! ****

MIKE: No, it's just a cat. Who can talk. ****

 **Cuz when i'm home alone...well...i...him...we...well "have sex"**

[Everyone stares]

MIKE: That is SO wrong. ****

**actually we just masturbate each other.**

CROW: Oh, good, 'cause that is so MUCH better. Dickweed. ****

SERVO: I can understand how he… molests the cat, but how can the cat… molest him back? ****

MIKE: I don't want to know. ****

 **But it's amazing, it's like this cat can talk!,**

JOEL: Somebody forgot to take their medication. ****

MIKE: You mean the cyanide? ****

 **he comes every night to  
my bedroom door, and starts meowing, until i let him in, and when he  
does, he starts meowing a little softer and purrs, shall we say  
"erotically".**

CROW: Yeah, that really wasn't necessary. ****

SERVO: Shouldn't we, I dunno, call PETA or something? ****

 **Until i get with him on the bed and goes down my crotch  
trying to shred my underwear!.**

CROW: I'm going with the theory that he's trying to castrate him so he NEVER reproduces. ****

JOEL: Why do you put so much emphasis on certain words? ****

CROW: Dunno, we've been doing that A LOT lately. ****

 **Unbelivable,**

MIKE: Yeah. ****

**but true,**

MIKE: I don't believe you. ****

**that's why i called him Artemis.**

JOEL: Do your parents know what you're up to? ****

MIKE: I'd hate to think about them stumbling upon this fic. ****

SERVO: That's gonna be one awkward talk. ****

 **Intro: "Hi, i'm Oscar". "And i'm Artemis, Minako's ex-white  
cat"..."  
we're here to tell you, how we met, how we fell in love with each other,  
and well how we lost our virginity.**

[Mike groans]

MIKE: I somehow have the feeling this won't be as funny as American Pie. ****

**Oscar's an Hermaphrodite, i.e.=a boy  
that has a dick and pussy (with clit and everything) at the same  
time!imagen that!"**

JOEL: I really, really don't want to. ****

**"HEY!SHUT THE FUCK UP ARTEMIS!"**

MIKE: A good idea for the narrator as well. ****

SERVO: I thought Artemis was the Narrator. ****

MIKE: Huh, it really wasn't clear. ****

 **"Oops!sorry, Oscar"  
"Well, nevermind Artemis,soooo let's get on with the show!"**

 **Artemis's lover:  
The day was unusually fresh, for being June/2/97 ,**

MIKE: It's been over a decade. That cat is probably dead by now. ****

SERVO: Most likely commited suicide. ****

CROW: I hope he took Oscar with him. ****

 **Oscar was walking on a  
lonely street,**

SERVO: The street and the protagonist have something in common. ****

CROW: But at least the street has all the telephone poles to keep it company. ****

 **only with a Sprite bottle, and a WWF magazine.**

JOEL: His only friends. ****

CROW: And the Sprite bottle and WWF magazine have been spending a lot of time together lately, almost as if they were trying to avoid him. ****

 **His toughts were racing on why he was so depress,**

MIKE: Here's a wild guess: He's got the hots for a cat! ****

**he had always spyed on  
the sailor scouts,**

JOEL: There's hope for him yet, then. ****

CROW: I somehow doubt his "spying" involved anything sexual. That would be too fun. ****

MIKE: Like all Marty Sams, he just happen to stumble upon the heroines' secret, and I'm pretty sure somehow managed to join the group. Even though he's a powerless prick. ****

 **ever since luna caught up with Usagi, but most of all,  
when Artemis joined the group. He always tought "Why am i obsesed with  
that cat?"**

MIKE: Because you're a sick, sick person. ****

SERVO: Because you have intimacy issues. ****

CROW: Because you're asian and hungry? ****

JOEL: Ow, cheap shot. ****

MIKE: Which one? ****

 **he than realized he had a crush on Artemis!**

MIKE: Hopefully that was "crush Artemis" ****

SERVO: No such luck. ****

 **, even tough he  
was a boy, even tough Artemis was a cat.  
But not an ordinary cat that is.**

SERVO: He can talk, but he's still anatomically a cat. ****

**He then squeezed the bottle so hard, it  
blew up, soaking his shirt, his pants, and his tennis.**

CROW: Woohoo! Wet T-shirt contest! ****

MIKE: Ew. ****

CROW: What? He's a hermaphrodite, so he's got boobies, right? ****

SERVO: I don't believe so, Crow. ****

JOEL: Besides, what kind of thirteen year old has breasts? ****

CROW: Stop ruining this for me. ****

 **He was upset to know that he was in love with a cat!**

JOEL: Understandably. ****

**He knew were Minako  
lived, her adress, her phone number, and her P. .**

MIKE: Ok… that's a bit creepy. ****

SERVO: Why are these Mary Sues always creepy stalker-type people whom any sane individuals would file a restraining order against in a minute? ****

 **He said to himself  
"I'll do it...but i'll probably hate myself in the morning"**

SERVO: We're hating you now. You'll get used to it. ****

MIKE: Is he going to cut himself? ****

JOEL: What? ****

MIKE: Sorry, I was getting this confused with the last fic. ****

 **he ran to  
his  
house, ihis bedroom, and started to write a letter to Artemis, sending it  
to Minako's place.  
The next day, Minkao checked the mail and gasped when she saw an envelope  
that readed"To:Artemis From:...".**

JOEL: Hm. So both Oscar and this mysterious Dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot know about Artemis… how strange. ****

**She then yelled  
"Artemis!", Artemis  
still asleep, yawned and stretched the last bit of sleep from his  
beautyfull little body ."What is it Minako?" he asked,still asleep.**

SERVO: I thought he woke up. ****

MIKE: Talking in his sleep, huh. ****

 **"Artemis, you have a letter!" said Minako,giving him the envelope.**

JOEL: Shouldn't Mina be a bit more concerned about this? ****

MIKE: That depends, is this manga verse where she's the responsible leader of the Sailor Soldiers, or the anime verse where she's a blonde ditz? ****

 **"WHAT!?"he gasped**

JOEL: (Overarticulating) You have a letter! ****

**"How can someone know my name, and my hability to talk?"he said**

MIKE: Yeah, who? ****

JOEL: Damn those self-insertions. ****

 **shreding-  
open he envelope, and said to Minako"Minako-chan, could you leave me  
alone for a moment?".  
"Sure" replied Minako, stepping out of the  
bedroom.**

MIKE: Ditz. ****

**Artemis readed the letter that said:**

MIKE: It's a talking letter! It's a howler! ****

SERVO: Then Minako'll hear what's in the letter anyway. ****

 **"Dear Artemis:You don't know who i am,**

MIKE: Lucky you. ****

**don't know what i am,**

CROW: Count your blessings. ****

**don't know  
anything about me. But belive me...**

JOEL: I made a lot of money by switching to Geico! ****

MIKE: The only real savior is our Lord Jesus! ****

CROW: Send me 99.99$ to enlarge your penis! ****

SERVO: I'm a Nijerian Prince who wants to mary you. Please ignore the fact that I can't spell Nigeria. ****

 **i know everything there's to know  
about you...**

JOEL: Nice way to start a love letter, that won't freak him out at all. ****

**i liked you since the moment i saw you. No one deserves you  
but me.**

MIKE: THAT might freak him out a bit, though. ****

**Some day, some time, at the right moment, we'll i'll**

MIKE: Chop you into tiny little pieces! ****

**have you.**

CROW: …Why is this creepier than Mike's version? ****

SERVO: I know, it's like there's something really wrong with him. ****

 **Until then see ya!**

JOEL: How very upbeat. ****

**Artemis gulped hard, and shivered, thinking that i would kill him.**

JOEL: I think we're all thinking that right now. ****

**Minako  
entered the bedroom and said"Artemis, is everything all right?"  
Artemis looked whiter than usual**

SERVO: How is that possible? He's covered in white fur! ****

JOEL: Mina really shouldn't wash him with bleach anymore. ****

 **"Yes quite fine" and left the room  
with  
a sigh.**

MIKE: Yeah, why ask the super powered super heroine who can shoot lasers out of her finger for help? ****

**Minako looked for the letter but he had thrown it to the window.  
"I hope he's all right" Minako said stepping into the shower.**

CROW: That was an awkward transition. ****

SERVO: Sure, no softcore porn when Mina's in the shower, but the author has no problem with boy on cat action. ****

MIKE: Did you two trade roles or something? ****

 **Artemis  
knew that he'd better be on the look out, if someone tried to kidnap  
had the same secuence in his mind, every second it passed.**

MIKE: Wait, the same what? ****

JOEL: Secuence… I think it's some kind of aboriginal dessert from south Africa. ****

 **Asking himself things like= "Who's that person?" "Is he good or  
evil?"**

MIKE: "Why are they attacking that woman?" ****

JOEL: "Why are they laughing maniacally while twirling their moustaches?" ****

 **"What he'll do to me?".  
Around 9:00 pm Artemis showed up at Minako's house,curved up into a fuzzy  
ball and went to sleep. The next day Artemis woke up to the sound of  
chriiping birds "Damn birds"**

JOEL: Wow, somebody's really grumpy before they had their morning coffee. ****

**he said woking got up before Minako**

 **did,so he went for a walk.**

MIKE: It's like he's begging to get kidnapped, going out on his on TWICE, without telling anybody where he's went. ****

SERVO: He's pretty much acting like a regular cat, Mike. ****

 **Unfortunatelly, Luna caught him,**

MIKE: Ugh, hopefully the author isn't planning a threesome. ****

**[The rest of the group looks horrified at the idea].**

 **"Hello  
Artemis,why are you so concerned".**

MIKE: I found out I'm paying way too much for wireless service. ****

**Artemis replied "Well luna, last  
day i  
recieved a letter from a secret person" Luna gasped"WHAT?! That's  
impossible, no one except our sailor scouts know our name's and hability  
to talk"**

MIKE: Thank you, that's the right way to react. ****

JOEL: They never did explain how Oscar is able to spy on them, did they? ****

CROW: I'm guessing through the magic of television. ****

JOEL: That doesn't make a lick of sense. ****

 **Artemis still upset responded "I know...it told me that, it liked me  
since it saw me, and that some day i'll meet it"**

SERVO: Yeah, IT, excellent choice of words. ****

**Luna sighed "Well,  
lets  
hope that's not the negaverse."**

MIKE: If it was the Negaverse, at least the Sailor Soldiers would be able to destroy it without any of that pesky moral dilemma. ****

SERVO: What moral dilemma? I say scream "Fire Soul!" At the guy. ****

JOEL: Why is it the Negaverse if they're using the japenese names? Shouldn't it be the Dark Kingdom? ****

MIKE: Joel, this is a fic about an hermaphrodite tween who wants to masturbate a cat! I don't think a little thing like localisation inconsistency is important! ****

 **Atemis looked at luna and said "CAN'T  
YOU  
THINK ANYTHING THAT'S NOT THE NEGAVERSE?!" he frogned and left her.**

MIKE: Yeah, they're just trying to free some evil God and destroy the world. You're right, Artemis, your creepy tween stalker is much more important. ****

**"Luna said to herself "Poor Artemis, it's not his fault" and just**

 **continued her path.**

SERVO: Yeah, let's not alert the other soldiers or, you know, anyone who could help. ****

**Artemis was too perturbated to notice the 6 cats that were hcasing him.  
"Damn! i hate being such a sexy cat!"**

SERVO: I thought it just said he didn't notice. ****

**Then a loud MEOW filled the air Artemis turned his back, and saw the  
other cats him "GET FUCK OFF MY BACK!YOU BASTARDS, I'M IN A REALLY BAD  
MOOD TODAY!"he said as he prepared his claws and teeth to fight,**

CROW: Woohoo! Action scene! ****

MIKE: That won't beat transformers II. ****

SERVO: Nothing beats Transformers II. ****

 **he knew  
that he'll lost, but he couldn't just let those cats kick his butt  
without a fight.**

CROW: I think they have something else in mind. ****

**The fight was rough, those cats began ripping him off,  
cutting him in the stomach, his arm, his leg, his back and his ear.  
(OUCH!)**

MIKE: What kind of sick kitty snuff fic is this? ****

**Oscar was aruond that fight,**

MIKE: How coincidental. ****

**returning from a baseball game, with his bat  
on the shoulder.**

CROW: He must have an awkward time in the shower. ****

MIKE: Which is probably why he brings his bat in the shower with him. ****

 **Artemis was already badly wounded, and bleeding to  
death.**

SERVO: I have the feeling it won't end that easily. ****

**Oscar passed by the alley were Artemis was.**

JOEL: How delightfully convenient. ****

**Oscar gasped as he instantly  
recognized Artemis, he took his bat and ran to help him, he hitted 3 cats  
simultaneusly with it.**

MIKE: I wonder what this would look like to any random passer by. ****

SERVO: Look Honey, that crazy girl-boy thing is snuffing out cats again. ****

CROW: Don't bother him mama, you know he's been perturbed ever since his parents were eaten by that mountain tiger. ****

 **BOOMSHACALAKA!**

JOEL: That's the hottest new dance of the summer! ****

**blood spurted out from the craneum  
of the other cats,he actually broke the head of the one that wounded  
Artemis!**

[Everyone stares in horror] ****

**The cats laid around dead, as Oscar grabbed Artemis, and huged  
him tightly, while covering him with his shirt, Artemis saw Oscar and he  
said weakly "W...Who are you?" then every thing went black...**

JOEL: This could almost be touching. If I didn't know what was coming up next. ****

**Oscar,  
with  
tears in his eyes, said to Artemis "Don't worry my dear Artemis, you'll  
be allright".  
Artemis woke up to the sound of a door closing.**

MIKE: I'm picturing him chained to a bed in a remote cabin, with Oscar threatening to smash his feet if he refuses to cooperate. ****

SERVO: Three cookies to anyone who gets the reference. ****

 **Oscar saw this and said  
crying "Artemis!Thank god you're alive!"**

MIKE & The bots: (deadpan) Woop Dee Doo. ****

**Artemis tought "How  
does he  
know my name?"**

MIKE: It's a puzzle for the two to six months old! There's only two pieces! ****

JOEL: Received letter from creepy stalker, creepy person knows I can talk, hmm… how does this fit together? ****

 **Artemis just meowed Oscar hearing this said "Oh  
Artemis,  
you don't have to pretend with me. It's all right you can talk". "Who  
are  
you?"**

SERVO: How easy he was to convince. ****

**Artemis asked still sour from the fight. Oscar took a deep  
breath...and said "Artemis, i'm that guy who sent you that letter".  
Artemis gasped "WHAT?!**

MIKE: Run, Artemis, run! ****

**So you're the one!". Oscar looked a little scared and said "Sorry  
Artemis, i didn't meant to scare you.**

MIKE: How about writing a less creepy letter, then? ****

SERVO: I've seen Hollywood psychos write more wholesome letters. ****

 **But how could i said my feelings to  
you in person?" Artemis coughed "hmmmm...you may have a point  
there"**

MIKE: It's on your shirt, what were you doing? ****

**Oscar looked him straight in the eyes and said "Artemis,i...i...love  
you.**

MIKE: I hate these "love at first sight" things, it's so unbelievable. ****

SERVO: That's not love, that's obsession. ****

CROW: Oscar needs a wank, badly. ****

 **ever since i saw you, i knew it was our destiny to be together"**

MIKE: Somebody needs to be wearing the nice jackets with the really long sleeves. ****

**Artemis got a little embarrased and said "I some how, feel the same for  
you Oscar,**

MIKE: WHAT? ****

JOEL: How sweet. In a horrible kind of way. ****

 **but doesn't it matter that you're a human and i'm a cat?**

MIKE: Obviously, it doesn't matter to Oscar. The rest of the population of the Earth might be a little uncomfortable. ****

**Oscar  
blushed and said"Well Artemis, i have a little secret you know..."**

SERVO: Please let it be that he can transform into a cat. Or that he can turn Artemis into a human. ****

**Artemis looked him with an evilly smile "Hmmm. What secret?"**

SERVO: Danger, Joel Robinson. Entering lemon zone now. Level 1 alert. ****

**Oscar took another deep breath and said "Artemis..i'm an  
HERMAPHRODITE"**

MIKE: …Explain to me again, how this changes the fact that he's a human and Artemis is a cat? ****

JOEL: It's twice as gross. ****

 **Artemis went wide eyed "NO KIDDING?".**

CROW: Like, totally! ****

**Oscar said "No" as he  
started to  
undress,**

[Everyone raise their hands to cover their eyes] ****

**Artemis was paralized,**

MIKE: I'm guessing that blood clog finally went to his brain. ****

**as he looked Oscar's dick, and below that  
his pussy,**

MIKE: THERE IS NO GOD, THERE IS NO GOD! ****

**Artemis had a goofy smile on his face. Oscar gasped "Uh? Oh  
you PERVERT!" and slapped him silly "MEOWUCH!"  
"Oops!sorry Artemis,  
how could i stay mad at you?"**

MIKE: That's easy, you just stay mad. ****

SERVO: You can fake orgasm, fake mad too. ****

 **he then said "Now look Artemis, your  
wounds  
will get infected if i don't clean them,ok?" Artemis happily said  
"OK".**

SERVO: They're way too chipper about this. ****

CROW: It's the lemon reality setting in. ****

 **And so Oscar turned the shower on, Artemis went inside with Oscar,and  
cleaned his soft fur, Artemis enjoyed Oscar's tact, rubbing his fur with  
a desinfectant soap,**

JOEL: Shouldn't that sting horribly? ****

MIKE: It'd probably just turn him on more. ****

 **while purring softly, he didn't like baths very much,  
but this was with his lover, so how could he resist a bath with his true  
love?**

MIKE: This is worse than that Goku and Anne Frank thing. What is it with falling in love after two minutes, with someone who scared you shitless a day ago? ****

**Then, they laid in the bed all stretched out, with Artemis's wounds now  
closed.**

JOEL: They should really commercialise that magic healing soap. ****

**Artemis broke the silence saying "Soooo" Oscar replied  
"Soo hat?"  
Artemis said evily "Are you still a virgin?" Oscar responded a little  
embarrased "Why yes, in fact i have been saved myself for you...my  
love"**

MIKE: He's thirteen! For god's sake. ****

**Oscar said, as he hugged Artemis and kissed in his lips,**

EVERYONE: Ack! Ack! ****

MIKE: Get me a barf bag! ****

 **Artemis  
eventually opened his mouth letting Oscar's tounge to play with his.  
Oscar then went south, caressing all of Artemis's parts along the way  
with his tounge.**

SERVO: *Cough* furball! ****

**He didn't care for his reached his little  
dick,stroking it with his fingers, and licking it as if it was a clit.**

 **¤¤¤ (hentai scene cut here)**

JOEL: So there IS a God. ****

MIKE: I don't think I've ever been so happy. ****

 **The next day...Oscar woke up and didn't saw Artemis  
anywhere,**

CROW: Wet dream. ****

**he grew concerned, "Artemis!?" he shouted to see if he was  
around, he looked everywhere, but only found a note that said  
"Dear Oscar=I went over to Minako's house to talk about what just  
happened between you and me,**

JOEL: How is Artemis able to write with paws? ****

SERVO: For Minako's birthday, I decided to give her a heart attack! ****

 **i'll be all right, i'll return for about  
10:00am. Love you Artemis  
It was 9:35am.**

MIKE: Why all the suspense? ****

**when Artemis returned, Oscar asked him "Soo, how did  
everything went?" Artemis responded "Well...it was hard to Minako and  
the  
others tho admit, that i was in love with a hermaphrodite, but they at  
the end understood. even Luna"**

MIKE: Yeah, I can just imagine how that went. ****

CROW: Hey everyone, I'm in love with a thirteen year old hermaphrodite called Oscar, whom I met yesterday. And we totally did it. ****

SERVO: That really puts the whole "effeminate gay evil general controversy" in perspective, huh. ****

 **Artemis sighed . Oscar said "Well,i'll protect you in every battle you go  
with the sailor scouts"**

MIKE: Despite having no powers. Except being able to spy on super heroes without being detected, apparently. ****

**Artemis looked happy to hear that "Thanks  
Oscar,  
You're indeed a great person...and boyfriend"**

MIKE: Ugh. How sappy. ****

**Oscar replied  
"Right" and  
they went to the kitchen to eat...**

MIKE: Please, it it be poison. ****

**THE END...FOR NOW**

CROW: Why is it still threatening us?

-

[DR. ERHARDT's face reappears on the TV]

DR. ERHARDT: Everyone alright?

MIKE: Yeah. Although that was horribly scarring.

DR. ERHARDT: What about you, Joel? Getting used to it again?

JOEL: Can't complain, Larry.

DR. ERHARDT: Hmph. I'll see if I can dig up the second of Oscar's fic.

[The Tv turns to static]

MIKE: Well, it's getting late, we should be going to bed. Joel, you can use the guest bedroom.

JOEL: You mean that space next to the toilet in the bathroom?

MIKE: (beat) Yeah.

JOEL: Okay.

CROW: Joel's so cool. Cool as ice.

JOEL: Thanks Crow. That means a lot to me.

CROW: Don't ruin it.

[BATTERIES LOW]


	6. Episode 5

Disclaimer : I own nothing. I live in a box on the side of the street.

Episode 5: Revenge of the Jerk Possession Sue. Now with more whores!

[Mike, Joel and the bots are eating in the kitchen].

JOEL: Well, Mike, huh… this is very good… cardboard.

MIKE: Yeah, we ran out of food weeks ago.

TZIGANE: What you're eating is actually recycled organic material.

JOEL: You mean it's…

TZIGANE: (Very upbeat) Yeah!

MIKE: Meh.

SERVO: So we're eating it AND watching it.

MIKE: Wait, why are you eating it?

SERVO: That's a good question.

[The doorbell rings. Everyone stare at each other. Crow counts everyone in the kitchen to make sure everyone is here].

[Mike gets up and uncertainly goes to answer the door].

[On the other side of the door is an old woman with huge glasses].

OLD WOMAN: Hello. I'm Donna from 6B, could I please borrow a cup of sugar?

MIKE: Huh, sorry, I've already eaten that.

CROW: (Offscreen) Fat ass!

MIKE: Huh, sorry, Donna… but, would you mind me asking… Haven't you noticed anything… odd about the building lately?

DONNA: Hm? No, not really. But I don't really go outside of my apartment anymore. They've been playing the Doctor Who marathon on Tv… Ah, William Hartnell, you sure bring back memories.  
Well, I'll be seeing you, then.

[Donna walks away]

DONNA: Hey, Howard, that adorable gay couple with the metal children didn't have sugar!

CROW: Haha! You and Joel are a gay couple!

MIKE: Shut up, Crow, or I'm not paying for your college.

JOEL: Wait, you didn't check if there were any other tenants left in the building since you were shot in space?

MIKE: I haven't really thought about it.

[The TV turns itself on, and Dr. Erhardt pops in].

DR. ERHARDT: Gather 'round, labrats!

JOEL: Oh, hey Larry. I've got an awesome invention for you today.

MIKE: I hope it's awesome. I didn't give up my mattress for nothing.

JOEL: Now, this invention could very much end all wars and sickness, but it's a bit volatile, so before I show it to you…

DR. ERHARDT : Yeah, I'm not doing invention exchanges anymore, that was Clay's thing. I just enjoy torturing you with badfics. Today's experiment is particularly distasteful. Remember "My Immortal"?

MIKE: Can't forget it. It still haunts me at night.

DR. ERHARDT: It's in that style. Only worse. Have fun.

[The apartment lights begin to flash wildly]

MIKE & JOEL: We've got fanfic sign!

-  
 **A little before Info-  
The Summer was ending and Ginny Weasley couldn't wait for the school year to begin.**

MIKE: Yeah. Year one, possessed by a dark wizard, year two, serial killer on the grounds, year three, dark wizard resuscitates and kills the school's champion. What kind of exciting and upbeat adventure can year four bring? ****

SERVO: I dunno, menstruation? ****

JOEL: Harry Potter and the women's PMS. Now there's your best-seller. ****

 **Everyone was in for a major shock as soon as they saw her.**

CROW: BZZZT! ****

JOEL: They should really wear those rubber bracelets things. ****

 **First of all she was no longer pudgy and had actually developed quite nicely.**

JOEL: Things are looking up. ****

MIKE: So naïve… ****

 **Her hair had changed from that horrible orange color**

MIKE: Red! The Weasleys have red hair! ****

JOEL: Maybe she's colour blind? ****

MIKE: Girls can't be colour-blind. ****

 **to a more deep auburn and fell down to her but in soft curls, and her freckles had almost completely disappeared.**

SERVO: And her parents were vampires, and she was now called Morticia. ****

MIKE: And she was depressed and goffik! ****

CROW: Fangz! ****

 **But the best change was that she had been bumped up a year.**

MIKE: Yeah, sure, why not. ****

**She was now going into her seventh year at Hogwarts and everyone was in for a shock.**

MIKE: Again. ****

CROW: That's two shocks. ****

 **Ginny Weasley was no longer the shy little timid tag-along.**

SERVO: Now she was a Power Ranger. ****

MIKE: She was… wait for it… A SATANIST! ****

 **She was now Ginevra she had finally woken up and people were going to start seeing the real her.**

JOEL: So she's been sleepwalking for the last fifteen years? ****

CROW: That's a long time to sleep. ****

 **Chapter 1-  
Ginevra had just finished packing her trunk when her brother Harry and Hermione walked into her room.**

SERVO: Harry and Hermione are… both her brothers? ****

MIKE: (grumpy) Don't you mean Vampire and Bee-loody Mary? ****

 **"Knock much" Ginevra sneered.**

MIKE: Why? This house is falling apart anyway, knockin'll probably break the door down. ****

**"Didn't know I had to knock when coming into my room." Hermione said prissily.**

SERVO: And now Hermione's a bitch. ****

CROW: Well, yeah, you should knock. What if Harry and her had been making out, or worse? ****

MIKE: Harry was with her. ****

CROW: Polyjuice potion, Mike! ****

JOEL: Wait, for the person with Ginny or the person with Hermione, 'cause if it was for the person with Ginny, that would imply… ****

SERVO: Squick! ****

 **"First off Granger this IS NOT you room I just happen to let you sleep in here and second you do have to knock." at this point she was in Hermione's face.**

MIKE: Harry, hand me that towel so I can clean up my face. ****

**Ginevra then turned around and looked at Harry "and will you QUIT starring at me already. I've had it about up to here with your fucking 'I want you looks' got it." She then turned around grabbed her trunk and walked out.**

[Everyone stares] ****

MIKE: Just wanted you to know how that feels, Ginny. ****

JOEL: It's not like you haven't been doing that for the last seven books, Ginny. ****

 **"Who was that and what did she do with our little Gin?"**

MIKE: She fell in a plot hole and hit her head. ****

SERVO: 'caused brain damage. ****

 **Hermione asked before walking out to.  
"Err…. I don't know what she was talking about Ron." Harry mumbled looking at Ron.**

CROW: Sure you don't. Now kindly take your hand out of your pants. ****

MIKE: Crow… ****

 **"Whatever lets go grab our trunks." Ron said and walked out to.**

SERVO: Walked out to where? ****

**THE HOGWARTS EXPRESS  
Ginevra**

ALL: Ginny! ****

**walked through barrier 9 and ¾ with her head held high.**

MIKE: Ginny! Not so high, you'll hit your head on that sign. ****

JOEL: Bang! ****

 **She couldn't wait to see peoples reactions at her and her outfit. She was wearing a micromini**

JOEL: Apparrently the Weasleys are so poor they can't buy her new clothes. She's wearing an 6 years old skirt. ****

CROW: That's a skirt? I thought it was a belt. ****

 **and hooker heels**

CROW: This isn't a lemon, is it? ****

MIKE: Gotta get money somehow… ****

 **with a black tank top that only went down to right above her bellybutton which was now pierced.**

JOEL: Somewhere convenient to hang the car keys. Er, broom keys. ****

**Her hair was down and had been magically straightened which made it even longer and shinier.**

SERVO: So what was the point of having it in curls ten lines above? ****

MIKE: Just be happy she's not dressing at Hot Topic. ****

 **As soon she stepped through the barrier she was tackled.**

MIKE: Excuse me miss, how much do your charge? ****

JOEL: We're the canon police. You're under arrest. ****

 **"What the hell?" She said not seeing the mystery person.  
"Oh shut it Gin-n-Tonic."**

MIKE: Oh, I get it! Because her name is Ginny, and because she's a drunken whore! Haha! So funny. ****

**said an all to familiar voice**

SERVO: All too familiar in a bad way? ****

**"OH MY GOD!" Ginevra screamed a little to loudly and causing people to look their way.**

CROW: You mean they weren't looking at her before? ****

**But she didn't even care she like the attention. " ALYSE! What are you doing here?**

MIKE: Enter the Sue. ****

**I thought I wasn't going to see you till like this summer.**

MIKE: Like, totally! ****

**I have missed you so much." She looked at her beyond beautiful friend.**

MIKE & THE BOTS: SUE! ****

 **Alyse Cavallarie about 5'7. She had almost white blonde hair that fell down past her butt and huge blue eyes that looked like icy orbs.**

JOEL: What a freak. ****

**"By the way I absolutely LOVE the out fit." Alyse was wearing a super low rise ripped Hollister jeans with a white baby Tee. The Tee barely covered her boobs and she also had her belly button pierced. She had on style sunglasses and her signature charm bracelet.**

SERVO: She was also wearing yellow rain boots. And a jet pack. ****

MIKE: What is it with Sues and endless wardrobe descriptions? ****

 **"Well I'm here because I talked to Professor D. about transferring here and he let me since I was the best student at Salem's' Institute for witches. So here I am." Alyse said nonchalantly.**

JOEL: That was handwaved really easily. ****

MIKE: Well, I was in the middle of thinking up my full-proof plan to defeat Voldemort… ****

SERVO: …by not mentioning him at all in this fic… ****

MIKE: …but sure, I'll let you transfer to Hogwarts just because you asked. ****

CROW: Only in a Sue fic can an alcoholic slut be the best student. ****

 **"Don't you love it." She asked turning around.  
"OH MY GOD!" Ginevra**

ALL: GINNY! ****

**screamed looking at her tattoo.**

CROW: What does NSFW mean? ****

MIKE: You've got your price list tattooed, how convenient. So you charge 50 dollars an hour. ****

 **It was a fairy sitting on a mushroom that waved and winked when it saw a good looking guy. "That is soooo hot when do I get one?" Ginevra asked.**

MIKE: I want a huge dragon. On my butt. That blows fire when it sees a good looking guy. ****

**"Tomorrow I made an appointment at that little tattoo parlor in hogsmeade. We just need to find a way there, but I'm sure one of those guys that are starring at us over there will help us with that."**

JOEL: Or you could WALK to hogsmeade, since it's about 5 minutes away from the castle. ****

**She said and pointed to wear two guys were standing.  
Ginevra started laughing "Umm… I really doubt they will help me. The blonde is Draco Malfoy and he hates me and the black haired one is his best friend Blaise Zabini"**

MIKE: It's alright Ginny, I'm sure Alyse will lend you some of her Mary Sue aura and you'll be making out with Draco two paragraphs from now. ****

JOEL: Why aren't Crabbe and Goyle with them? ****

CROW: Apparently they don't exist in this weird alternate reality. ****

 **"Well Blaise is smokin' hot and Draco can't take his eyes off you so lets go talk to them Darlin"  
"Whatever you say Babe." `**

MIKE: Honey. ****

SERVO: Sugar. ****

JOEL: Hooker. ****

CROW: Biatch. ****

 **Ginevra smiled and started walking towards Draco and Blaise. But Alyse got there first.  
"Hey fellas. I'm Alyse I just transferred from Salem's Institute over in the States. Who are you?" She said looking Blaise up and down.**

CROW: Oh come on! Can she be more obvious? ****

MIKE: She could be wearing her "I'm a slut" sandwich board and ringing her bell. ****

 **"I'm Blaise Zabini. Allow me to be your tour guide for the train." he said taking her hand and leading her on the train leaving Draco and Ginevra to find their own form of entertainment.**

MIKE: (deadpan) Hopefully involving some form of violence. ****

SERVO: Why are Slytherins suddenly acting nice? ****

CROW: Everybody's nice for hookers. Until they start beating them. ****

 **"Hey Malfoy." Ginevra said  
"Now that's not fair you know my name but I have no clue what yours is." Draco said looking her up and down.**

MIKE: What? She just changed her hair. ****

CROW: And is underdressed for a nudist beach. ****

SERVO: Well, people didn't recognise Hermioned when she dressed up for the Yule ball. I think these people just have prosopagnosia and can't recognise people once their defined characteristics change. ****

JOEL: What's prosopagnosia? ****

SERVO: Inability to recognise faces. ****

JOEL: You could have just said that instead. ****

 **"That's real funny but you know who I am." Ginevra said. Draco just looked at her puzzled. "Its Ginevra.**

MIKE: Nope, still doesn't ring a bell. ****

**Ginevra Weasley"  
"Funny now who are you really?" Draco asked, but Ginevra just stared at him. "No fucking way your hot. That little Weasley girl isn't"  
"Well I seem to think she is seeings how I am her." Ginevra said and started to walk away.**

SERVO: The commas have packed up and left the story. ****

**"Wait" Draco said grabbing her arm softly. "I didn't mean to insult you I just didn't believe you.**

MIKE: I mean Ginny was just really fat and ugly and stupid. ****

JOEL: Please, save something for the wedding speech. ****

 **Come on we should go fin Blaise and that other girl"  
"Her name is Alyse. She's American."**

MIKE: (dryly) Of course she is. ****

**Ginevra said.  
"I'll have to remember that." Draco said.**

MIKE: I thought she reeked of cheap. ****

**"Come on Ginevra lets go find them.**

MIKE: One hot girl and suddenly he completely forgets his long-time hatred of the Weasleys. ****

SERVO: If only Harry was a hot girl… ****

 **Ginevra and Draco started walking towards the train when someone ran up behind them and yanked Ginevra away from Draco "What the hell" She screamed and turned around punching Ron in the jaw.**

MIKE: This has got to be most heavy character derailment I've ever seen. Since my Immortal. ****

**"What the hell was that for?" Ron stammered.  
"If you hadn't grabbed me like some phsyco your jaw wouldn't be hurting right now." She yelled and Draco saw flames in her honey colored eyes.**

JOEL: Whatever happened to "sorry" and the like? ****

MIKE: Her brain's on fire! There's the explanation! ****

 **"Well if you weren't dressed like a bloody whore and walking with Malfoy then I wouldn't have had to grab you"**

MIKE: I wonder which he's more upset about. ****

**"News flash**

JOEL: Hurricane Ginevra may hit Florida in the following days, spreading plot holes and confusion alike. ****

**RONALD I'm 16 bloody years old and I don't need you permission to hang out with someone**

SERVO: Even though he's a huge jerk to everyone for the last 7 years. And possibly a death eater. ****

**and I don't need you to tell me how to dress now fuck off." She said with venom in her voice.**

MIKE: First fire, now venom. She's transforming into some kind of were-hooker, dragon, snake… thing… Argh, I can't finish it, but I swear the joke was very good. ****

SERVO: The word you're looking for was Chimera. ****

 **"Lets go Draco." She grabbed his hand and walked onto the train  
"Since when did you grow a back bone Ginevra?"**

ALL: GINNY! ****

MIKE: Here's a better question. Since when have you gone batshit insane? ****

SERVO: This fic doesn't make her look strong or assertive, it just makes her look unhinged, like she should be taking pills or something. ****

 **Draco asked looking at her.  
"Since I grew up." she answered**

CROW: Ah, so it's a PMS kinda situation. Figures. ****

TZIGANE: (off-screen) SHUT UP! ****

 **They walked down the corridor looking into compartments for there MIA friends. (A/N MIA- Missing in Action)**

MIKE: And here I was hoping for DOA. ****

**They had to walk all the way to the last compartment before they found them.**

MIKE: Oh, yeah? Well, huh, it's… ahem… huh… your compartment is stupid. ****

SERVO: Don't force the riffs, Mike, just let them come naturally. ****

 **"Hey guys." Ginevra said walking in. "Fix your hair Alyse. You look like you just got done making out"**

CROW: You may want to put your underwear back on, too. ****

JOEL: But I never had any underwear! ****

MIKE: Shocking. ****

 **Alyse giggled**

MIKE: Teehee! ****

**and smoothed her hair down. "How do you know we weren't?"**

MIKE: We get it, you're a slut. You don't have to beat us over the head with it. ****

**She asked grinning madly**

SERVO: Madly. A perfect choice of word. ****

**"Knowing you I don't." Ginevra laughed. "I need to talk to you alone real quick." Alyse followed Ginevra out into the corridor. "I know you brought me a present." She said once they were out there.**

JOEL: Oh, is it a Sony Playstation 3? ****

MIKE: A new set of training equipment? ****

SERVO: A set of encyclopaedia? ****

CROW: It's gotta be fairly small, seeing as the three inches of clothing you wear don't provide much room to hide gifts. ****

 **"I was wondering when you would ask." Alyse smile and pulled a tiny baggy filled with a white powder out of her pocket. "Here you go hun." she said handing the baggy to Ginevra.**

[Everyone stares] ****

JOEL: I hope that's baking powder. And that they're going to bake a cake. ****

MIKE: Or magic powder. ****

CROW: Oh, it's magic alright. ****

SERVO: They're going to do crack? Crack?! Can't they at least come up with an original, magical drug? ****

 **"But you gotta share cause I aint got no more till tomorrow when we go to hogsmeade tomorrow. K"**

JOEL: When are they going to Hogsmeade again? ****

MIKE: There's a crack dealer in Hogsmeade… sure, why not? ****

 **"Sweet lets go. I have been clean for way to long."**

CROW: Sleeping with half the student body will take care of that. ****

SERVO: Crack whore… ****

 **They walked into an empty broom closet and Ginevra made two lines from the bag of coke on a little mirror.**

MIKE: This is so cliché. ****

**"Here you can go first." She handed Alyse the mirror, and the biggest line was gone before you could say stop.**

MIKE: STOP! STOP! STOP! ****

**Ginevra went next then looked at herself in the mirror and smile.**

CROW: Teehee! I'm a dirty crack whore! God, I hate myself. ****

SERVO: Is she going to start punching her reflection? ****

MIKE: No, why? ****

SERVO: Because I'd punch her. ****

 **"Come on I'm felling a little frisky**

MIKE: No shit. ****

**and Draco sure did look HOTT." Ginevra smiled and stumbled out of the closet and straight into her brother and Harry.**

JOEL: Ginny, you got a little something under your nose. ****

**"We were just looking….. Who the hell is that and why are you falling out of a broom closet with her?" Ron asked rudely.**

CROW: Don't worry, what happened in there wasn't half as fun as what you'd think. ****

SERVO: And Harry died of a nose bleed. ****

 **"I'm Alyse nice to meet ya. We were just catching up on old times." Alyse smiled and winked at Ginevra.**

SERVO: Oh, Alyse, grow up. ****

CROW: Hmm… lesbian lemon or awful crackhead fic? The choice is self-evident. ****

MIKE: I hardly believe Erhardt would have given us a lesbian lemon to read. ****

JOEL: Not unless it was particularly tasteless or badly written. ****

SERVO: "So she undress m n lic my u-know-wat". Turned on? I think not. ****

 **Ginevra grinned and knew exactly what she was doing.**

MIKE: She's just such a mature, level-headed person. ****

**"Yeah just catching up on old times." Ginevra said grabbing Alyse's hand and dragging her away. "Come on babe there's better guys to waste our time on." They were laughing hysterically**

[They all let out hysterical laughter] ****

CROW: You're fake laughing too, right? ****

MIKE: I'm not laughing, I'm crying. ****

 **as they walked into there compartment where Draco and Blaise were waiting. "Hey boys." Ginevra said and walked over to Draco. "You know your looking pretty good this year." She said sitting on his lap.**

MIKE: YOU DIRTY WHORE! ****

SERVO: Have some self-respect! ****

 **Draco grinned and said**

CROW: I am so gonna score. ****

MIKE: It's like playing bowling in the kiddy alley. ****

 **"I know but you see I have a small dilemma"**

MIKE: Yeah, she's the sister of your worst enemy, and for all you know she's either setting you up for a prank or is trying to seduce you to get inside information on the death eaters. ****

SERVO: If they actually existed in this fic. ****

 **"Yeah what is your dilemma?" She said in a sultry voice "Your looking good to and you haven't kissed me yet."**

SERVO: …That's not a dilemma. It's not even close to the definition of a dilemma. ****

**Ginevra bent down and planted one right on his lips. "There's more if ya'll do us a favor."**

MIKE: I think he'll be getting the favour. ****

**She said looking over at Alyse who happened to be sitting on Blaise's lap.**

JOEL: These must be really small compartments if they have to sit on each others' lap. ****

MIKE: Harry, Ron and Hermione must be having a really awkward time. ****

SERVO: Ron, can't Hermione sit on my lap instead of you? ****

 **"Anything." Blaise said before Draco had time to comment.  
"We need to go to hogsmeade tomorrow and I'm sure ya'll know how to get there without getting caught." Alyse said**

CROW: Yeah, because after dressing provocatively, doing coke and promising sexual favours in return for services, getting caught trying to go to Hogsmeade would be just AWFUL. ****

**"That's easy enough. But what I really want to know is why haven't you shared yet?" Draco asked**

JOEL: She said she'd do that after you get them to Hogsmeade. They just don't listen. ****

**"Share what?" Alyse and Ginevra both asked at the same time  
"The snow dumb ass." Blaise said**

CROW: Ah, Blaise. You always knew how to charm the ladies. ****

SERVO: I think "Hey" is all you need to get these two particular ladies to drop their panties. ****

 **"You don't use do you?" Ginevra asked**

SERVO: Please! That would be WAY too much in character. ****

**"If I didn't then why would I have asked?" Draco said**

SERVO: "You dumb bitch", he added. ****

**"Here." said Alyse pulling the little baggy out of her bra and throwing it at Ginevra. "It's your call. If you wanna share then go for it"**

SERVO: I thought she didn't have any anymore. ****

CROW: Apparently her boobs are producing it. She's like a mother who's milking. Only it's powdered milk. And not milk at all, but actually coke. ****

 **"I guess as long as we're getting more tomorrow." Alyse nodded and Ginevra made up four thick lines on her mirror. She did the first one followed by Draco then Blaise then Alyse.**

SERVO: Why is the order important? ****

MIKE: Why are they doing coke? Isn't that just too muggle for Draco? ****

 **"This is the life. Hangin' out with hotties and doing coke.**

MIKE: I really, really hope you die. ****

**In my old school no one did this.**

CROW: Yeah, bunch of wankers. ****

**It was an all girls school**

CROW: There's your lesbian lemon. ****

**and they were all stuck up bitches"**

MIKE: Until they take off their glasses and undo their buns. Then they become sexy. ****

CROW: Bow chicka bow wow. ****

JOEL: So she was the only whore in the group of high-strung nuns? I bet she didn't stand out at all. ****

 **"How the hell did you survive in an all girls school?" Blaise asked**

MIKE: How the hell did she survive the world of drugs and prostitution? ****

**"Like any of those bitches had the balls to mess with me."**

CROW: Girls have no balls. Keep up. ****

TZIGANE: WHAT? ****

MIKE: He meant anatomically! Geez, she gets so sensitive when it's time to change her coolant liquid. ****

 **Alyse laughed. The rest of the train ride was all making out (and a little more)**

SERVO: Riiight… in the train. With tons of windows. And no lock. Where everyone can just walk in or see them. ****

CROW: They're exhibitionists on the side. Which would explain why Ginny is wearing a micromini with no underwear. ****

 **and snorting lines for them and before they knew it,  
it was time to get changed into their robes. Which they did without any of them bothering to leave to compartment.  
"You girls have to be the funnestgirls in Hogwarts." Blaise said smiling down at Alyse**

CROW: Why down? Where was she? What was she doing? ****

SERVO: I don't know, Hermione is starting a book club this year. ****

 **"Well duh." Alyse said as the train came to a halt.**

MIKE: Duh, like, totally! ****

**"This year is gonna be awesome. I can just feel it." Ginevra said as they all walked out of the compartment and they all nodded agreeing.**

MIKE: You know, I just noticed that they never explained exactly HOW Ginny met this Alyse person. ****

SERVO: Maybe she found her on MySpace.

-

[Mike, Joel and Tom Servo are hanging around the kitchen, trying to find a solution to their food problem].

JOEL: We could just order something.

MIKE: Right, and if they don't deliver in thirty minutes, it's free!

[MIKE grabs a phone book and starts going through it]

MIKE: Hey, look at that "Alyse Cavallarie. For a good time, call." I knew she was a whore.

[Crow arrives hurriedly, overly excited]

CROW: Guys! Guys! Look at what I found hidden behind the vacuum cleaner!

[Cambot's sight follows Crow to the closet. Behind the vacuum cleaner, there is a box of hamdingers].

JOEL: Wow, why haven't you found that yet?

MIKE: We never use the vacuum.

[Mike pulls out the wood crate and opens it, however, inside…]

JOEL: Oh God…

MIKE: I can't believe this…

SERVO: I guess Erhardt wanted to reproduce the exact satellite. That guy has no imagination.

[Inside the crate is a single occupant escape pod, marked "Deus Ex Machina. Mark II"].

[BATTERIES LOW].


	7. Episode 6

MST3kII : Episode 6

[Mike, Joel and the bots are standing around a large crate of hamdingers, which actually countains a single occupant escape pod].

MIKE: I should be the one to use it. I've been trapped in space for 6 years now, it's Joel's turn again.

CROW: What? What about us? Me and Servo have been trapped for 11 years now! Besides, we're so small we can both fit in there!

SERVO: I'm not spending a 48 hours trip back to Earth sqeezed up against you. You'll have to take the next escape pod.

JOEL: What about me? I think it's about time I go back to my Hot Fish shop, I think I left the stove on.

TZIGANE: And me! And me!

CROW: …You're hard wired into the Satellite of Love, there is no way you could possibly leave.

TZIGANE: So what? I think the escape pod would just look AMAZING in my room. It just goes so well with the decoration.

SERVO: She has a room?

MIKE: She means the broom closet.

[The TV turns itself on. Dr. Erhardt pops into the frame].

DR. ERHARDT: Ah, I see you guys found the escape pod.

MIKE: Yeah. I bet you're a bit peeved now, huh?

DR. ERHARDT: Not at all. I was expecting this. Let's see how this next experiment will get to you now that your ties of loyalties have been severed. Today, I have for you a CAP's review of the Lord of the Rings: the Fellowship of the ring.

JOEL: What's CAP?

DR. ERHARDT: It stands for Childcare Action Projet…

MIKE: Are we talking diapers-type situations…?

SERVO: (voice full of dread) No, Mike, that's a crazy fundie site which reviews movies and docks points arbitrarily if Jesus isn't the one to save the day.

MIKE: Oh dear God.

DR. ERHARDT: Have fun!

[The lights of the apartment flash wildly]

MIKE & JOEL: (deadbeat) We've got craptistic review sign…

 _The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring_ earned a CAP score of 59,

MIKE: That's not so bad.

SERVO: Just like Mike in High School.

[Crow snickers]

numerically equivalent to PG-13 movies

JOEL: So basically, exactly what the movie is rated. Wow, you guys are just REALLY useful.

CROW: He's doing the emphasis thing too now…

SERVO: He's one of us.

in the analysis model comparative baseline database of movies.

MIKE: And don't forget the wingwang and the zipzorps!

SERVO: Huh?

MIKE: I didn't understand what he said.

But as one of the great features of the CAP analysis model,

SERVO: We'll explain to you in details why this movie is a horrible sin against God!

MIKE, JOEL and CROW: Weepee!

note the scoring distribution in the Findings/Scoring section.

CROW: Arwen is hot: Score!

I am going to take a moment to discuss the scoring distribution in some detail here for the benefit of our subscribers to the newsletter which provides text-only of this Summary/Commentary.

MIKE: Lucky, lucky them.

First, remember that deaths as the result of warfare/battle or police action are not incorporated

JOEL: So that movie about the crusade's got to be, like, G-rated.

MIKE: Aren't a lot of deaths in Lord of the Rings warfare/battle related?

into the scoring as murder but are incorporated into the Wanton Violence/Crime investigation area.

JOEL: I knew we should've waited for the complete sentence before the riff.

MIKE: So basically, it's a lose-lose situation.

CROW: So what kind of death doesn't warrant a point docking?

SERVO: Old age, I guess.

CROW: Great. Let's just wait for the orc army to die of old age. That'll be a friggin' exciting movie.

Also remember that while any single issue of aberrant behaviour

SERVO: Purely subjective, aberrant behaviour.

CROW: Did not say graces before eating, minus ninety-three points.

may fit into two or more of the six CAP investigation areas, only one is permitted. For example, a graphic killing by sorcery may be incorporated into either Wanton Violence/Crime OR Offense to God OR Murder/Suicide, but _only_ into one. No duplication is assured.

MIKE: I'm actually a bit surprised. I thought they'd do exactly the opposite, you know, to make sure they'd dock a maximum number of points at once.

CROW: Graphic killing with magic is done by homosexual sorcerer who dies in the process of casting said magic… While taking drugs.

Now note that this PG-13 movie had _no_ foul language and _no_ sexual issues of any kind

CROW: But it makes up for it with the excessive violence, which is why it's fun!

SERVO: Don't get me started on the whole Frodo/Sam thing. Seriously. Don't.

MIKE: Ok, we won't.

SERVO: Well, if you insist...

which is _extremely_ atypical of PG-13 movies. BUT, the Wanton Violence/Crime and Offense to God scores were both zero,

MIKE: So that's good… right?

indicating an extremely graphic movie in violence and extremely concentrated in unholy/evil issues.

CROW: This is so confusing! Lots of things mean a score of zero, while nothing is a score of 100. This is so unintuitive!

Therein lies a useful

MIKE: That is highly subjective.

SERVO: What is?

MIKE: That it's useful.

feature provided only by the copyrighted CAP analysis model—

JOEL: I don't think copyrighting it was necessary, it's not like anyone else would ever want to touch it with a ten-foot pole.

SERVO: Unless it was to make fun of it.

[Everyone look at each other with malice].

an assessment method not possible by any other movie rating system known on the entire planet.

CROW: And there was much rejoicing.

There is one other movie rating outfit which has mimicked the CAP model from its start, but that is all it is - a mimicry. And it does not have the CAP Thermometers.

MIKE: Is it in Celsius or Fahrenheit?

SERVO: Are they trying to be laughable?

JOEL: Our thermometers! Ours!

MIKE: Ranging from 100 degrees, heavenly goodness, to 0, soul destroying hell trip.

Nor the more than 40 mathematical equations in every report.

SERVO: I don't think adding score 1 to score 2, than the result to score 3 and so on until all the scores are combined counts.

Nor the Rock-solid investigation standards.

[MIKE, JOEL and THE BOTS simply stare, then burst out laughing].

The Tolkien trilogy in book form is more than 1000 pages.

MIKE: …Yes… and?

I guess that explains why this first of the three Rings trilogy is 170 minutes long!

MIKE: …Keep going…

Great day in the morning! Three hours!

SERVO: Would you rather they surgically alter it like the Harry Potter movies?

CROW: Ugh, those movies… it's like the circumcision of the books.

JOEL: The gastric bypass, more like.

MIKE: How about Hair transplant!

[Joel and the bots stare]

MIKE: No?

But all is not lost in boredom and bathroom.

JOEL: Although if you order that extra large iced tea, probably bathroom.

The story is relatively attention-keeping though often dream-like.

SERVO: Well, it is a fantastic movie.

[Crow hits his head and repeatedly utter "duh!"].

The scenery is breath-taking.

CROW: Porn-scenery…

The computer aided choreography made this movie a masterpiece of its own and a tribute to technology. The blending of extremes of imagination with down to earth and believable emotions is masterful.

SERVO: Well, credit where credit is due. So far so good.

The performers are obviously experienced and compatible with their parts.

JOEL: I don't know, I always thought it was a bit distracting having Agent Smith as Elrond.

Such a combination of talents and skills to create an absorbable story is indeed an influence which must be given somber and diligent thought because this is another story of witchcraft, sorcery and wizardry.

MIKE: (pompous voice) This story is entertaining! It must be evil!

SERVO: (high-pitched voice) Think of the Children! They must be protected from the evils of fun!

The opulence and immensity of this book-to-film is truly a contender for your mind, _especially_ the impressionable mind.

CROW: (Sqeaky voice) And imagination! Don't forget to protect your kids from imagination too, wouldn't want them to start imagining things and talking to invisible… all-powerful… beings which reside in the sky…

In a middle-earth world,

ALL: THE MIDDLE-EARTH!

SERVO: It's not A middle-Earth, it's THE Middle-Earth!

CROW: I'm going to get the fire axe.

Frodo Baggins (Elijah Wood)

TZIGANE (off-screen): *whistle*

meets Gandalf the Grey (Ian McKlellan) as Gandalf travels to see Bilbo Baggins (Ian Holm) to find the 20th of 20 special rings: a ring that wants to be found.

JOEL: Way to make an awesome opener sound totally mundane.

SERVO: It's not "one of twenty magic rings" it's the ONE ring. The other nineteen rings are its bitches.

The 20 rings were created with special powers. One of the 20 rings, named "My Precious" by Gollum, possessed the power to give the wearer power of global proportion.

[Everybody stares]

MIKE: This is painful.

The one ring conjured in the wearer insane lust.

CROW: What? Was he watching Lord of the Rings or Whore of the Rings?

MIKE: That's a real movie.

[Everyone looks at Mike]

MIKE: Or so I heard.

Bilbo Baggins is in possession of the one ring. To save the world, the ring must be destroyed but it cannot be destroyed except by the same fires that fashioned it, the fires of Mount Doom. So that is what Frodo, Gandalf and seven additional characters ... the Fellowship of the Ring ... set out to do.

JOEL: (singing along the theme tune of Gilligan's island) There's Fro-odo!

SERVO: And then Gandalf!

CROW: And the rest of them!

This movie is likely another maneuver to capitalize on the new found infatuation of visually oriented youth

MIKE: Remember back in the old days, when youth were blind?

JOEL: We used to poke their eyes out to protect them from the evil of the world.

with bright and dazzling display of the occult, witchcraft and evil.

MIKE: It could also be, you know, to make money. So the multimillion dollar movie doesn't become a box office bomb.

It is another presentation of the "good" using evil to fight evil.

MIKE: And what exactly would good use to fight evil that would be good?

SERVO: The power of prayer.

MIKE: I can just see it. Dear Lord, protect us from the evil armies of orc that…

[Crow mimes stabbing Mike with a sword, Mike keels over].

And it presents sorcery as both "good" and evil.

JOEL: Say "good and evil" more.

Violently. Grotesquely.

ALL: AWSOMELY!

While the story being based on "good" fighting evil using evil is bad enough, it is clear the filmmakers capitalized on extremism.

MIKE: Again, multimillion dollar film.

Tolkien certainly described the evil and demonic characters in his novel quite grotesquely but not nearly as hideous and vile as those in this movie.

JOEL: Hello? It's a book! What the characters ultimately look like is up to the imagination of the reader!

After more than 500 movies I suspect I can say with credibility

[Everyone stares, then burst out laughing again.]

CROW: After 500 movie reviews, I suspect you have lost all credibility. As a human being.

that any of the imagery of evil you have seen before now does not match the evil in _The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring_.

SERVO: How about the Exorcist?

CROW: Friday the 13th parts 1 through 17 billion?

MIKE: Brokeback mountain?

[Everyone stares]

MIKE: …What?

And there are two more Lord of the Rings coming.

SERVO & CROW: AWESOME!

There are inevitable comparisons being drawn between _Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone_ and _The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring_ by the secular worldview and the Christian faith.

MIKE: Both movies are awesome!

CROW: Both movies competition with each other for biggest box-office performance?

TZIGANE: (off-screen) I once had a sex dream with the entire cast from both movies?

SERVO: …Tzigane, just take care of the life support, k? Mike and Joel are turning blue over here!

Comparisons are not being drawn between the two movies under any other "religion" I am aware of,

JOEL: So basically, just Christianity?

not the Muslim or Tao or Jewish faiths or any other faith, just the Christian faith which is under more attack than any other faith.

MIKE: Believe me, fundies of any religion could find something to bitch about in anything.

SERVO: Since our religion can bitch about more shit than yours, ours is obviously the right one!

Maybe the Christian faith is under more attack [by the adversary through the unbelievers] than any other faith _because_ it is the "right one":

SERVO: …Wow, I was actually right.

the one faith that poses the greatest and maybe the only _real_ threat to the adversary.

SERVO: Said adversary being "fun".

JOEL: I'm getting an urge to read "His Dark Materials".

Such a comparison follows since both movies present wizards, sorcery and evil magic and both titillate the skyrocketing popularity of mystical occult in movies in the shadow of the attack on Christianity,

[Servo puts on a pair of horn-rimmed glasses]

SERVO: (british accent) My diagnosis here is that the subject suffers from paranoid schizophrenic disorder with perhaps dillusional tendencies. I recommend putting him down.

feeding on it and nurturing it at the same time.

CROW: So it's a sixty-…

MIKE: CROW!

CROW: What?

Both movies use evil as good: "white magic" to fight dark and evil occult forces.

JOEL: You know, you could argue that Jesus' miracles are a form of white magic…

MIKE: If we're not using white magic to fight the evil forces, what are we supposed to use?

SERVO: The power of prayer?

MIKE: Isn't Gandalf a sort of emissary of God, A-K-A an angel in human form. So shouldn't his magic be ok.

SERVO: .. No, because that would make fun stuff ok! Keep up, Mike, Fun isn't ok!

Both present fine personal qualities in characters with heroic missions to defeat evil.

MIKE: So if you're a hero who uses dark magic, you're going to hell. What if you're a bastard who uses the power of prayer?

CROW: You go to Heaven. God doesn't care about stuff like murder or rape as a long as you worship him.

JOEL: …disturbing…

And both present the use of evil, namely witchcraft and sorcery, as a tool for good.

MIKE: Again, if evil as a tool of Good remains Evil, is Good as a tool for evil Good?

SERVO: I think it's like a double negation: Two negatives make a positive but two positives make a positive.

MIKE: So what you're saying is whatever we do we're screwed?

SERVO: You catch on quickly.

 _Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone_ is targeted at the preteen

[Both Mike and Joel clear their throats].

and the early teen and thus boasts a less complicated story.

MIKE: Wait 'till you get to book seven.

 _The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring_ is much more sophisticated and requires deeper thought to fathom its story, thus making the older teen and young adult its target audience. The Christian faith is being hit at all impressionable ages, folks. And there is more coming.

SERVO: (British accent) subject shows constant delusions about imaginary attacks from the media, and sees common occurrences as proof that reinforces his paranoia.

I am not going to try to debate the claims that Tolkien's Rings trilogy parallels shards of the Truth shattered from the Bible.

SERVO: I won't. Because I would lose. And because my only argument is "God says so".

MIKE: Must be why they kicked him off the High school debating team.

JOEL: I argue that the speed limit must be lowered in order to reduce the amount of accidents.

MIKE: No! God says we are allowed to go 120 miles per hour!

Satan is very good at making the truth into a lie

CROW: (slowly) You do not look like the guy who was constantly beaten up in High School.

through the most innocent vehicles

MIKE: Like movies about fantastic wars and small persons accomplishing great things.

and by the least obvious methods.

CROW: Yeah, death metal is so out.

Nor am I going to try to debate the involvement of C. S. Lewis in Tolkien's life who placed the Gospel on the level of a myth in 1931 after a dinner with Tolkien:

" _Now the story of Christ is simply a true myth: a myth working on us the same way as the others, but with this tremendous difference that it Really happened: and one must be content to accept it in the same way, remembering that it is God's myth where the others are men's myths..."_

SERVO: And you know this… how?

CROW: Because God said so.

SERVO: Isn't that circular reasoning?

CROW: Yeah. But it's alright. Because God said it was ok.

SERVO: …My God can devour humanity.

CROW: …My God can turn water into wine.

MIKE: Ok, Crow's God is more awesome.

JOEL: Wait, who's your God, Tom?

SERVO: Cthulhu.

If you wish to delve deeper into these matters let me suggest you visit the source of the above quotation.

JOEL: We're good.

The bottom line is that God _clearly_

MIKE: Through his 5000 + page book full of parabolas and double-meaning stories.

commands that witchcraft, sorcery and wizardry are evil.

MIKE: Except when he does it.

JOEL: Do as I say, not as I do.

He gives no situations under which these evils are not evil: no conditions under which these evils may be tolerated. There is no such thing as a "good" witch. Not even Wendy.

MIKE: The image of Wendy burning in hell is really a disturbing one.

JOEL: So let's say that witches appear and cure cancer, end all war, cleans the planet and FINALLY make sure that 7th Heaven stays cancelled, they still go to hell?

MIKE: God's a jackass.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

 **SCRIPTURAL APPLICATION(S)**  
If needed to focus or fortify, applicable text is underlined or bracketed [ ]. If you wish to have full context available, the Blue Letter Bible is a convenient source.

ALL: No no no no no no!

If you use the Blue Letter Bible, a new window will open. Close it to return here or use "Window" in your browser's menu bar to alternate between the CAP page and the Blue Letter Bible page.

JOEL: Flee, and never come back.

Deut. 18: 9-12 When thou art come into the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee, thou shalt not learn to do after the abominations of those nations.

SERVO: This is like how Voldemort talks in "My Immortal"

CROW: I find that strangely suspicious…

There shall not be found among you any one that maketh his son or his daughter to pass through the fire,

JOEL: Yeah, you need to let firemen do that.

or that useth divination,

MIKE: Horoscopes are evil!

or an observer of times,

CROW: …I'll go unplug the clocks.

or an enchanter,

MIKE: Maybe, but Jessica Alba is so pretty.

or a witch,

JOEL: Melissa Joan Hart…

or a charmer,

MIKE: Holly Marie Combs…

or a consulter with familiar spirits or a wizard, or a necromancer.

SERVO: So that means I can only "Warrior" as a class on Guild Wars, huh?

For all that do these things are an abomination unto the LORD: and because of these abominations the LORD thy God doth drive them out from before thee.

Rev. 21: 8 But the [unforgiven] cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral, those who practice magic arts [sorcery, witchcraft, wizardry, divination, etc.], the idolaters and all liars -their place will be in the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death.

MIKE: Ok, I'll give him the murderers, but the rest of that is all highly subjective: Unbelieving? How about those who believe in their own way? Or believe there is nothing?

SERVO: Don't get me started, they're as bad as fundies.

CROW: And sexually immoral? Be progressive, man!

Gal. 5: 19-21 The acts of the sinful nature are obvious:

MIKE: So obvious, we needed God to tell us what they were! Before that, we had no clue!

sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness,

CROW: Nooooooooo!

orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

SERVO: But seeing as God will never, ever die, being on his will to inherit Heaven is a moot point.

*******Food for Thought*******

1 Cor. 15: 33 (KJV) Be not deceived: evil communications corrupt good manners. (NIV) Do not be misled: Bad company corrupts good character.

SERVO: So don't associate with anyone. They're a lost cause.

Jude 4 For certain men* whose condemnation was written about long ago have secretly slipped in among you. They are godless men, who change the grace of our God into a license for immorality and deny Jesus Christ our only Sovereign and Lord. [*men: anthropos {anth'-ro-pos}, generic, a human being, whether male or female]

SERVO: Yeah, they slipped amounst us so quietly, they're only like… 90% of the planet.

CROW: So you mean there are 10% fundies on the planet?

SERVO: I just counted the red states.

Matt. 25: 40 And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto [or for] one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto [or for] me.

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

CROW: And I liked it!

As always, it is best to refer to the Findings/Scoring section - the heart of the CAP analysis model - for the most complete assessment possible of this movie. 

**FINDINGS / SCORING:**

NOTE: Multiple occurrences of each item described below may be likely, definitely when plural.

MIKE: Didn't he say that would not happen at the beginning?

 **Wanton Violence/Crime (W)** :

graphic injuries, including amputation and a beheading

explosive startle

monstrous "walking dead" being threats and attacks

SERVO: But they are *depicted* as evil! How is that an offense?

graphic torture by demons

theft

MIKE: Is this about the Merry and Pippin's firework thing?

attempted sword murders

JOEL: If he goes on to count "accomplished sword murders", it just seems like his milking points out of nowhere.

sword threats

attempts to murder by sorcery

animal attacks

many dead and decaying bodies, repeatedly

MIKE: Because that never happens in real life during war.

multiple exceptionally graphic attacks by unholy beings, including by thousands of creeping beings with much impalement

graphic imagery of impalement

crumbling cavern perils

JOEL: …How is that an offense?

MIKE: (pompous voice) The collapse of your cave is affront to my God. Please ask your cave to stop collapsing.

falling death

fire demon attacks

arrow threats

orders to kill

long sequence of dire urgency with explosive sound

[Everyone stares].

many graphic seething battle sequences

exceptionally brutal killing with multiple arrows, slowly

many battle deaths

SERVO: Do I have to spell it out to you? It's a war! Double-Ew, Ah, Arr!

a very graphic hand-to-hand combat sequence with a hideous demon

near death by drowning

 **Impudence/Hate (I)** (1):

lies

SERVO: How dare the Evil Dark Lord Sauron lie to the elves, dwarves and men by telling them the magic rings he made were completely not a plan to take over Middle-Earth! He should've been honest with them!

 **Sex/Homosexuality (S)** :

none noted

SERVO: Riiiight… Because there was absolutely no Ho yay between Frodo and Sam, Merry and Pippin, Boromir and Aragorn…

MIKE: Arwen and Eowyn…

SERVO: What?

MIKE: What? Oh, nothing. Just a dream I had.

 **Drugs/Alcohol (D)** :

smoking, repeatedly

JOEL: Gandalf's pipe!

drinking, repeatedly

 **Offense to God (O)** (2):

thousands of demonic beings of various sort, some extremely graphic

SERVO: Yeah, they were shown on screen. And stuff.

many uses and portrayals of wizardry/sorcery

many threats by unholy things

CROW: How dare the unholy beings make threats! They should teach about God instead!

multiple battles with sorcery using sorcery, some very, very graphic

JOEL: Yeah, that magic battle between Saruman and Gandalf was cool.

many attacks by evil beings, some (especially one) very, very hideous

SERVO: Does he mean the Balrog?

portrayal that being stabbed by an evil being's sword will make the victim evil

MIKE: Aren't you the one who keeps saying how associating with evil will make you evil? If anything, this is one point for your side.

many instances of demonic faces/eyes

unholy control of the elements to fight evil

claims of immortality

MIKE: Because they are…

ability to choose unholy mortality or immortality

JOEL: Elves are going to hell.

MIKE: Jesus was an elf!

many mystic voices

CROW: Foreign languages are now also evil, including, but not limited to: Elvish, Dwarvish and French.

sorcery to open mountain wall

light by sorcery

 **Murder/Suicide (M)** (3):

impalement then drowning murder

SERVO: Oh God, his scale actually spells "WISDOM"…

CROW: He probably chose the word first and worked backward from there.

[Mike is reading a brochure from the CAP]

MIKE: According to this, the only movie we're allowed to watch is Mary Poppins and Who gets the House.

SERVO: Isn't Mary Poppins… magic?

MIKE: Apparently there's just enough subtext in the movie to imply she's an angel.

SERVO: Isn't the enough text in the Lord of the Rings movie to state The wizards are angels in old man form?

[Mike Shrugs. Crow enters with a large stack of DVDs].

JOEL: What's up Crow?

CROW: I went next door and borrowed all these DVDs from Donna. They're all rated "0" on the CAP's website, so we're bound to have a great time!

JOEL: That's right! Donna's still next door. I forgot all about her… Mike, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

MIKE: That we use her credit cards to order pay per view porn?

JOEL: No, that we give her the escape pod!

MIKE: *groan* Ah, fine. Besides, if she's gone, we at least won't have to return her DVDs.

[Battery low].


	8. Episode 7

Episode 7: If all else fails, kill everyone

[Joel, Crow and Tom Servo are decorating the apartment for Halloween.]

[Mike enters the living room].

MIKE: …What are you doing?

CROW: What's it look like?

MIKE: It looks like you're decorating, but it's not clear why.

SERVO: It's Halloween!

MIKE: We're in space!

JOEL: What about alien children?

MIKE: …I'm not even going to answer that.

JOEL: Cool, which means I win.

[The TV turns itself on, and Dr. Erhardt pops in the screen, dressed as Dracula. There is loud music in the background].

: I vant yoor bluud!

[Everyone sits down on the couch].

JOEL: Are you at the Gizmonic's Halloween party?

DR. ERHARDT: Yeah! Dr. Megane's passed out in the fruit punch. It's wild!

MIKE: Let me guess, we have some Halloween themed fanfic to read today, do we?

[Dr. Erhardt stares for a minute].

DR. ERHARDT: That would've been an amazing idea! I wish I had done that… oh, well!

[The lights flash wildly].

MIKE & JOEL: We forgot to pay the electricity bill!

 **The Real Truth**

MIKE: It's out there.

 **Blackberry14- Okay, I have finally got to the Sailor Moon story. Man did this take a while for me to write this.**

SERVO: And if you want, we'll wait several more weeks for you to actually make it good.

JOEL: Ah, come on Tom, give him a chance.

CROW: We're through giving people chances, Joel. That's how swine flu got started.

MIKE: …What?

CROW: It's true. I wrote it on Wikipedia!

MIKE: Crow! Quit vandalising Wikipedia articles!

SERVO: Yeah, I don't really care for how you rewrote the MST3k article. "Crow rules, everyone else sucks".  
 **  
Serena- Yeah, why are you writing evil stories?**

SERVO: Took the words right out of my mouth.

CROW: Serena?

SERVO: Usagi in North America.

 **Blackberry14- Because it is fun.**

CROW: Being evil is fun!

MIKE: You should know. ****

 **Serena- You're weird.**

MIKE: This whole intro is weird.

JOEL: Is this part of the actual story, or…? ****

 **Blackberry14- Whatever. I make you very, very, very..**

JOEL: *yawn* sleepy… ****

 **Serena- *covers my mouth***

SERVO: Her own mouth…?

 **Don't say it! Someone might be reading this!**

SERVO: Unless they're trapped in space and are tortured by a mad scientist, NOT likely.

 **Blackberry14- *I bite her hand* Okay, I won't. That means that you readers will just have to read this story. So go ahead and read!**

[Everyone groans].

 **Serena- *checks if she haves bite marks***

CROW: You should get checked for rabies.

JOEL: And vampirism.

 **Notice- If you like the Sailor Scouts TOO much, then this story will seriously make you mad.**

SERVO: And if you enjoy well-written story, this story will make you hurl!

 **Disclaimer- No, I don't own any of the Sailor Scouts or any other character in this story, so just stop making me feel even sadder!**

CROW: You have no friends and your parents never loved you. Done.

MIKE: Oh, too cold! ****

 **Serena stared at the moonless sky as she began to lie back down on her bed.**

MIKE: I wish they'd put the ceiling back in.

 **She was all alone and she had nobody to comfort with.**

MIKE: Hm, who should I call? My way-our-of-my-league boyfriend or the assorted stereotypes I call friends?

JOEL: If she said that to their face, no wonder she's alone.

 **She knew by tomorrow she would be with the others but she felt the need of seeing them right now.**

SERVO: Maybe they'll fly over her room and she'll see them through the absent roof.

CROW: See them. In bed… I like this story now.

 **Serena got up and picked up her phone. She dailed first for Lita. The phone began to ring but nobody answered. Serena tired again but instead of calling Lita, she called Raye. Nobody answered there either.**

SERVO: Lucky she's not in the middle of a youma attack.

JOEL: What's a youma?

MIKE: I believe it's some sort of Japanese dessert.

 **Serena just set the phone back to the reciever and lied back. All she could do was stare up at the ceiling, feeling the guilt that she has been through.**

CROW: Because she lied back to the receiver. He lied to her first! Her friends really did pick up.

MIKE: Oh, joy. Another angsty fic, like we hadn't had enough of these lately.

 **"Sooner or later I will have to tell them, but how?" Serena asked herself**

JOEL: Use your mouth to form words that will convey a message.

 **as she pulled the covers over herself. She laid there feeling just terrible.**

MIKE: Shouldn't have eaten the enchilada platter tonight…

JOEL: Has she tried prunes?

 **Its like her insides where aching as she needed to see her friends and talk to them. But no one was there. She was all alone in her bed in the dark.**

CROW: She's alone. She wants to see her friends. We GET it.

MIKE: She's going to cut herself anytime now.

 **She closed her eyes and fell asleep.**

 **The next day was cold and rainy. All she could do was think about the secret and how it would rip them apart.**

MIKE: I ate the last piece of strawberry cake! I'm so sorry!

SERVO: I made a sex tape with Mamoru and taped over the last episode of M.A.S.H.! I'm sorry!

CROW: I didn't know the Crescent Moon Wand couldn't be used THAT way… but the doctors say it's a routine procedure.

JOEL: I wrote "My Immortal" I'm…

[Everyone mime hitting Joel with shovels].

 **Eventually, Darien would find out. She could not bare to see that happen.**

SERVO: Close your eyes.

 **"I will wait. It would break their hearts if they found out."**

SERVO: …that they all have congenital heart failure… ****

 **Serena got up and brush her teeth. Then something tugged at her. "Serena! Will you stop hoging the mirror?!" Reni complained as she began to push Serena aside.**  
 **"No way. I just got here, so scram!" They began to fight in a constant battle for the mirror.**

JOEL: Is this some sort of magic mirror, is it special in any way?

MIKE: Apparently it's the only mirror in Japan.

 **Serena grabbed her by the wrist. "Serena stop it. You're hurting me," Reni cried out but Serena didn't let go of her.**

SERVO: Yay! Abusive parenting! That's what I was missing on my checklist of angsty fanfic.

 **"Serena! You're hurting me. Stop!" Serena let go and looked at her hands. "What have I done?" Serena began to tear up.**

JOEL: That's a bit dramatic…

MIKE: And this whole horrible accident could've been averted if Rini had waited thirty seconds for Serena to spit.

 **"Serena, are you okay?" Reni went up to her but was stopped as Serena stuck out her hand. "Stay away from me Reni," Serena called out as she got herself up. Shaking visibly, she ran from the room.**

SERVO: Why's she shaking so much?

MIKE: Parkinsons disease.

 **"Serena..." Reni knew something was wrong with her so she went to spy on her.**

MIKE: What a great idea! I'm certain this will have no terrible repercussions whatsoever! ****

 **Reni crept around the corner so Serena wouldn't know she was there.**

MIKE: You forgot your invisibility cloak.

JOEL: It's alright, she has her invisibility corner.

 **Serena stopped and Reni hestitated as she was right behind her. Serena put up her hand and covered her mouth. She began to yawn. Then she began to walk again.**

SERVO: Annnnnnd… that's the most interesting thing that happened all day.

MIKE: The suspense is tearing me apart.

[Joel yawns].

JOEL: It's true what they say, see someone yawn…

CROW: And the horribly boring story might also make you yawn.

 **"Man, that was a close one," Reni said as she began her search for Serena's problem.**

[Mike snickers].

MIKE: Which one?

 **Serena stopped once more and turned around. Reni quickly went behind a bush.**

[Everyone stares].

SERVO: …Wait, what? I thought they were inside the house… I mean, the corner?

MIKE: Maybe it's just been a really long time since anyone's cleaned up the house… and it's a bush of dirt.

CROW: Maybe it's some other kind of bush.

[Mike and Joel give Crow a look].

 **Serena was checking for something. Then she went into an alley. "Why would she go into an alley?" Reni asked as she went to the alley as well.**

SERVO: Wait, wait. Don't go too fast there. Did she go into an alley?

MIKE: I'm not sure.

CROW: She's going to meet Ginevra and Alyse. Hello lesbian NC-17 fic!

 **Serena looked back once more and touched a brick. "What is she doing?" Reni asked herself. Then a barrier opened, kind of like a mirror or something.**

SERVO: Yeah, or something.

CROW: Something like a hippopotamus?

SERVO: Exactly, a barrier opened, some sort of mirror, or hippopotamus.

 **Something was speaking out of it.**

MIKE: Like a giant taco crapping ice cream?

SERVO: Mike, don't infringe on copyrighted material, it's not nice.

TZIGANE: (off screen) Look who's talking.

 **"You have done well. You have given me all that you know about the Sailor Scouts. Now I can rule the world by hurting them where it hurts,"**

SERVO: Huh…

CROW: Ami, grades. Rei… her crows?

SERVO: Makoto… cooking? Minako… huh… it's hard to say, she's so one-dimensional… her hair?

 **the mysterious voice laughed out. "Yes, but does it mean I have to hurt them, too?" Serena asked as she went closer to the mirror.**

SERVO: And the hippopotamus!

MIKE: Well, Serena, you just gave the card-carrying villain vital info on the Sailor Soldiers, might as well go the extra mile.

 **"If it is your wish to do so then be my guest, but in the end I will destory the Sailor Scouts and you can be my queen." Serena fell to her knees, "I will hurt them, but don't let me see you kill them. It would break my heart."**

SERVO: But hurting them would give me curled toes. I'm a sadist!

MIKE: Oh, so she's teamed up with the evil guy to be his queen! That makes sense… it's not like she knows she'll eventually become Queen of the entire world or something… oh wait.

 **The mysterious voice laughed, "As you wish, my future Queen Serenity." "Thank you... Lord Gemeni." Reni gasped at horror as she couldn't believe what she just heard.**  
 **Reni tried to get out of there but she tripped over a brick.**

MIKE: Classic!

JOEL: Just who keeps putting those bricks all over the paths of young airheads being chased by psycho killers?

 **Serena turned around and went over to see who or what was there. She found her.**

SERVO: Stupid corner of invisibility stopped working!

 **"Reni, may I ask you how long you have been here?" Serena asked as she grabbed her by the shirt.**

SERVO: Huh, I just got here. Nice weather.

CROW: I got here after you said you'd hurt us but before Gemini mentioned you gave him information.

 **"This whole time! I can't believe you would betray your scouts. Why, Serena? Why?" Reni asked as she strugged to get out of Serena's grip.**

[Everyone stares].

MIKE: With those self-preservation skills, Serena doesn't have to try and kill her. She'd probably swallow the drain cleaner when thirsty or something.

 **"Why? Because everything here has no meaning to me.**

MIKE: Despite my characterisation during the last 200 episodes and 3 TV movies!

 **And so I thought that since I will be leaving, I thought it would be best for you all to perish!"**

SERVO: Wouldn't want you to be sad when I left, so I thought: I'll just maim and kill all my friends!

MIKE: Is that why you killed all the employees of Chucky Cheese after they fired you that summer?

SERVO: No, I was just having my period that day.

 **Serena threw her down to the ground. "But all that time you saved the world with us... and you just want to through that away!" Reni cried out as she got up. "That was just a way for you guys to trust me, and nothing more than that," Serena said as she went to the mirror.**

MIKE: Despite the fact that she's actually the leader AND the most powerful soldier of the bunch.

SERVO: So why did she break down when they all died in the first season finale?

CROW: She was said she wouldn't get to kill them herself.

 **"Yes, Serena?" Lord Gemeni asked.**

MIKE: I was in the shower. What is it?

 **"I want you to... to... kill her," Serena ordered as she put her hand at her chest.**

SERVO: Wait, you mean you?

MIKE: That would be an amusing and interesting plot twist.

 **"As you wish." Reni tried to runaway from them but didn't make it in time to escape. The last words Serena ever heard from Reni was, "Serena, when I die I will haunt you in your dreams!"**

JOEL: How very non-graphic. 

MIKE: Count your blessings.

 **After that she was dead.**

SERVO: After what?

CROW: After they killed her.

SERVO: Oh.

 **"What do you want me to do with the body?" Lord Gemeni asked. "Just put it in the dumpster. They will find her eventually," Serena said.**

MIKE: Let's see, Wednesday is garbage day…

JOEL: No, no, that's recycling, I think Monday is garbage day.

SERVO: You're thinking of composting, The garbage men are on strike.

 **"Are you crying?" Lord Gemeni asked. "Yes. Yes I am."**

MIKE: It's the smell from the dumpster, there's already like seven other bodies in there. Have you been cheating on me with other wackjobs?

 **She went to pick her stuff up and left the alley to go to school. The mirror then went back to the ground.**

MIKE: What about the hippopotamus?

 **Serena was walking on her way to school until she bumped into Ami. "Oh hi, Serena. Is everything okay? You're crying," Ami asked as she brought out a tissue. "Yes, Ami. I'm okay."**

MIKE: I got a stain on my favourite dress while I was dumping Rini's dead body in a dumpster.

SERVO: You poor thing, here, I've got a tissue here and… wait, what?

 **But soon, as Ami does not know yet, nothing will be okay. All their lives would end before long.**

CROW: Spoiler-ific!

 **"Hey, Ami. Could you do me a favor?"**

MIKE: I saw SAW IV last night, and made you a shotgun collar. Thought it'd look good on you, would you mind wearing it?

 **Serena asked as she walked beside her. "Yes, sure. What is it?"**

CROW: Mind stepping in front of that bus?

 **Ami asked as she stopped infront of Serena to hear her request. "I want you to call in the Sailor Scouts. I have something to tell them."**

JOEL: I could use my own communicator, but…

MIKE: I just want to make this particular fanfic that much more nonsensical.

 **Ami nodded, "But where should we meet?"**

SERVO: Rei's temple, like always?

 **Serena turned around and pointed at the alley, "We will meet right there. Meet me here at 6:00, got it?" Ami nodded once more.**

CROW: Meet me in the dark alley over there. There's a dumpster that smells like a dead Rini, don't pay attention to it.

Mike: Ok!

 **'It has finally come. The time when the Sailor Scouts will perish and I will live with Gemeni.**

TZIGANE: (Off screen) In her defense, I hear Gemeni looks like Paul Walker!

CROW: Tzigane, just… just don't.

 **Soon there will be nothing but rubble on this filthy planet. Until then... I guess I have to study.'**

SERVO: I hear there'll be high demands for hydro-electrical engineer in the rubble wasteland.

 **Serena thought to herself as she walked away from Ami. "Wait for me!" Ami cried out. Serena stopped and turned around with a smile on her face. 'Soon, they will all be gone.'**

MIKE: Serena, why did you say that?

SERVO: Shit! That's right, use the thinking thing when saying evil things.

 ****##########################################################################

 **Okay, how evil can I get. I am sorry for the Reni lovers out there. Sorry!**

JOEL: Apologises accepted.

MIKE: Now apologise to everyone who reads.

 **Anyways, Serena has to tell the girls the deadly truth. But it seems that something is keeping her from doing that.**

MIKE: Wait, why must she tell them that she's going to try and kill them? That just seems a bit…

CROW: Dumb as shit?

MIKE: Well, yeah.

 **Will the girls really perish and will Serena punish the world as well as her love, Darien? Wait and see!**

MIKE: I… can't… wait… for this story to end.  
 **  
Blackberry14- Man, I really feel guilty doing that to Rini.**

 **Of course Serena is really the one who killed her!**

SERVO: I thought it was Lord Whasthisface?

MIKE: Whatever. ****

 **Serena- *crying* You are the evil one, not me!**

 **Blackberry14- Okay, lets go on with the story before Serena kills me.**

 **Serena- *pulls out a knife***

MIKE: Do it! You killed Rini effortlessly! You can do it, girl!  
 **  
Blackberry14- yips!**

 **Disclaimer- I feel bad enough that I don't own Sailor Moon or the Sailor Scouts, so don't remind me!**

EVERYONE: YOU DON'T OWN SAILOR MOON!

CROW: Wait. What does he want to "own" them for?

[Joel shivers].  
 **  
The cold, rainy morning seemed to slow down. The death of the Rini has made a big effect on Serena.**

SERVO: If we ran this back into babelfish and into its original language, would it be less painful?

CROW: Either that or we'd end up with a satanic message.

SERVO: Neat.

 **All she could think of is what Rini said before she died, 'Serena, when I die I will haunt you in your dreams!'**

MIKE: Those are terrible last words.

 **She couldn't get those words out of her head. She made her way into the school, found Lita and them, and ran to them.**

SERVO: Is this Them some sort of Mary Sue author avatar?

JOEL: That's sort of redundant.

SERVO: Don't start with me.

MIKE: Ahem, so this Them… she's probably Sailor Universe or something.

 **"Hey, guys. Why do you look scared?" Serena asked as she began to walk with them. "We had a frighting vision, but we all know it can't be true,"**

MIKE: What? What?

SERVO: Blackberry14 is making a sequel to this!

 **Raye said as she tried to calm down. "We saw that you killed Rini.**

MIKE: Alright! Alright! I confess, I did it! I killed her!

SERVO: Oh, wow Serena… we were just messing with you.

 **It was so frightening, but we all know that you wouldn't do that, would you?" Mina questioned Serena. "No way. I think you guys need to see a doctor or something."**

SERVO: Doctor, I just had a vision of my friend killing her future child. Am I ok?

JOEL: You may want to consult a psychiatrist.

CROW: It's either brain or prostate cancer. Please bend over.

 **Raye pulled her sleeve up as she was about to hurt Serena.**  
 **"Don't do it," Ami called out as she pulled Raye back. "No way. I am going to bring her down. She is calling me crazy!"**

MIKE: Yeah! Come on, hit that nigga!

SERVO: Oh, great, we'll be getting ten thousand flames from white people who take the politically correct too far.

 **Raye cried out as she gotten loose from Ami's and Lita's grip. Serena, however, dodged her attack and punched her in the stomach.**

MIKE: Such a close, tight-knit group of friends.

 **"That'll teached you to mess with me," Serena said as she walked away. "Man, what is her problem. Any harder and she could of killed me," Raye complained. Then she fell on the floor. "Raye!" the girls called out.**

SERVO: Ugh… I guess she did punch that hard.

 **They went down to see if she was okay. "She will do fine.**

JOEL: She will do fine… at laying down on the ground like that.

 **Why did Serena punch her like that?" Ami asked.**

MIKE: Because Rei tried to hit her?

 **"I don't know, but she has been acting very strangely, lately," said Lita as she picked up Raye.**

SERVO: Could it be… that she's made a deal with a demonic force to kill all of us and become ruler of the world?

CROW: ..Nah, she probably just needs to get laid.

 **"We should get to class before we all get into trouble," Ami said as she quickly picked up her stuff and helped Lita with Raye. "First we should drop her off at the guidance counselors office. They will take care of her there," said Lita.**

SERVO: Why not the nurse's office?

MIKE: Later. Right now she needs to fill her college applications.

 **Mina and Ami nodded.**

 **Later the girls made there way into the office.**

MIKE: Later. They stopped by for shoe-shopping and ice cream first.

SERVO: It was hard carrying Rei to all these places, but they did it.

 **"Don't worry girls. She will make a full recovery. Just tell me who did this to her,"**

MIKE: Said the guidance conselor.

SERVO: The nurse wanted me to give you those Yale brochures.

 **the nurse said as she was holding on to a clip board. "We didn't see," lied Mina. "We just found her like that." The nurse checked something on her clip board,**

MIKE: Was it the "bullshit" box?

 **"Okay then, have a good day girls." The girls nodded a left to go to class.**

 **Serena stared out the window. She wasn't paying much attention in class.**

SERVO: But she needs that diploma for post-apocalyptic world!

 **Looking outside, all she could see is what may happen to the world. 'Soon, I will make new life here. Where there is no war.**

SERVO: I hope she's talking about using magic to give birth to a new race, and not… you know…

CROW: Having raunchy sex with Gemini and having babies?

SERVO: Huhuh.

CROW: Yeah, that's probably in the sequel.

 **But first I must get rid of the obstacles.' Serena put her hand up, "Mrs. Susuka, could I use the restroom?" The teacher looked up from her book, "Sure, just come up here and take a pass."**

MIKE: Whaddaya want? Can't you see I'm reading? Stop disturbing me.

 **Serena got up and took the slip of paper. Then she left the classroom. Walking down the quiet halls. Where there is no sound at all, besides the sound of her feet hitting to hard floor.**

SERVO: I'm sorta aching for another killing…

CROW: You mean the author?

SERVO: Yeah.

 **'This is how quiet my world is going to be.' Instead of going to the restroom, as she was going to do, she went to the nurses office.**

MIKE: Unfortunately, Rei wasn't there. She was in the guidance conselor's office.

 **There, Raye was sleeping. It was like she was dead. Serena could still hear her breathing.**

SERVO: No, Serena. Dead person don't breath. Keep up.

MIKE: She really should've paid attention during biology.

 **"Don't worry, Raye. Soon I will end your pain." Serena went and got a pillow. "She may still be breathing, but it isn't strong enough to withstand a pillow."**

EVERYONE: DUM-DUM-DAH!

 **She crept closer and planted the pillow on Raye's face. Raye began to move a little, struggling to get the pillow off her face. But after that frightening blow from Serena, she didn't have enough strength.**

JOEL: All that from one blow? From a teenage girl?

SERVO: I think Rei just WANTS to die.

MIKE: Do you blame her?

SERVO: No, I really do not.

 **Then she stopped moving all together. Serena wiped the hot tears running down her face. She heard something and turned around. It was the mirror where Lord Gemeni talked out of.**

MIKE: Girl, that was totally hot.

SERVO: Me and the nurses are just friends, I swear!

JOEL: Is the guidance conselor here?

 **"It seems that you want to kill them. Why?" Serena placed the pillow under Rayes' head, "Because it would be easier if we get rid of them sooner than later."**

MIKE: And, you know, when they're not transformed into super-heroines.

 **Lord Gemeni chuckled, "Really? Well do as you please, but let me kill a person I have in mind."**

 **SERVO: Apparently she's gone from "seeing them dead would break my heart" to "Meh, There was a pillow and I was bored".**

 **Serena looked at the mirror, "Who?"** **"Tuxedo Mask or if you would rather say, Darien." Serena's face turned with fright. "It looks like you still have feeling for this boy," Lord Gemeni pointed out. "No, it just caught me off guard, that's all." The mirror began to go back to the ground.**

MIKE: He's a mirror… what can he possibly do?

SERVO: Give Mamoru a bad hair day?

 **"As soon as we are done we can live together and start a new life for one another."**

SERVO: I get back from my job at the evil mill at six. My dinner better be ready, biatch.

 **Then the mirror disappeared. Serena looked back at Raye. Her dead face was an expression of shock. Then she went out of the office, looked back once more, and left.**

SERVO: That's just very sloppy!

MIKE: Hasn't she learned anything from CSI?

 **The nurse screamed as she went into her office. She checked for pulse but found none. Someone eventually heard her screaming**

CROW: After five or six hours.

 **so they went to check out what was happening. "Oh my god, she's dead," the nurse said as she put her hands on her face. The group of kids heard her and went back to class.**

JOEL: That's odd.

SERVO: Hm?

JOEL: The kids heard the nurse say "she's dead", and they just… went back to class?

MIKE: It's true, violence on television really does desensitise you.

 **They began to tell what happened and just like a virus, the whole school seemed to know in less than ten minutes.** **The news shocked the girls as they began to tear up, but Serena just sat down and stared at the sunless sky.**

MIKE: Why, that's not suspicious at all!

SERVO: Let's see… Rei had a vision of Serena killing Rini, and then she herself turns up dead, and Serena shows no emotion… hmmm, how does this fit together?

CROW: The hippopotamus killed her!

 **No tears was forming from her as she already wasted them on just killing Raye.**

MIKE: It's already been half an hour, I've moved on.

 **Lita and them**

SERVO: Again with this mysterious Them! Who is she?

 **went up to her. "What is your problem, Serena?" asked Lita. "Raye is dead and you are not even crying, that is so evil of you," Lita then slammed her hand on her desk.**

MIKE: Usually, at this moment, House would have some sort of revelation.

CROW: Evil of you… wait, Serena is evil!

SERVO: No shit, Sherlock.

 **Serena, though, did not answer. "Is she even okay? Maybe she is in shock," Ami suggested. "Maybe we shouldn't meet after school and just meet at some other time," Mina proposed. Serena looked at them, "No, we are going to meet there no matter what!"**

MIKE: Smooth.

SERVO: Geez Serena, what could you possibly want to tell us in this dark alley? Hey, is that Rini's leg?

 **The girls looked at her in shock. "Serena, could you come over here for a minute?" her teacher called out.**

 **Serena got up and went over to her desk. "What is it?" Serena asked as she planted both of her hands on the teachers desk. "It is not a good time to tell you this since the lost of Raye, but you will be needing to make up this test or else you are going to fail this semester."**

MIKE: In normal-world schools, wouldn't students be allowed to leave after a student die on campus?

SERVO: And, you know, police would be involved.

CROW: Not in a crappy fic land, then.

 **Sernea eyes zoomed at her.**

CROW: Ack! Put them back in their sockets!

 **"Sure, but let me just do something after school real quick, then I will be right back." The teacher shooked her head, "I am very sorry but I cannot let you do that."**

SERVO: Maybe they're trying to keep her on school grounds until the police have enough evidence to incriminate her?

[Crow and Mike stare at Servo].

SERVO: Right, trying to make sense of crappy fic, not worth it. Got it.

 **Serena expression turned angry. "Fine."**

 **She stomped off to go with the girls, "Never mind the meet up. We will do that at my house tomorrow. We can ummm... have a mini funeral for Raye.**

JOEL: We can bury her next to the begonias in the garden.

MIKE: In a shoe box.

 **You can invited anyone you may please. See you then!" Serena waved and walked out of the room. "I am very worried about her," said Mina as she picked up her stuff.**

MIKE: I really should go talk to her, alone. Preferably near a high cliff of some sort.

 **"I think we don't need to worry about her, but should we worry about us," said Ami as she organized her bookbag. "What do you mean?" Lita asked. "Oh, nothing. Just had a feeling that something is going to happen."**

MIKE: Whatever could give you that idea?

SERVO: Is it the death of Raye, or the vision of Rini dying? Or Serena's sociopathic behaviour?

CROW: Quit being so paranoid!

 **Ami picked up her stuff and left the class. Lita and Mina followed her.**

 **Serena headed to class and sat down. "Okay, I hope that you studied for this one, Serena." The teacher handed her a sheet of paper. Serena took her pencil and started to pencil in the bubbles.**

JOEL: Unfortunately, these are essay questions.

 **15 minutes later, Serena handed her paper in. "My, Serena. It seems that you past it! That is amazing," said the teacher as she ohh and ahh at the paper.**

MIKE: I'm really happy the author integrated this school subplot into the whole murderous rampage main plot.

 **"Can I go now?" Serena asked. "Sure. See you tomorrow!" the teacher cried out as she waved good-bye. "What a pathetic human," Serena mummered to herself. Serena got home and put her stuff on the kitchen counter. "I will make them suffer. Tomorrow will be the day of death,"**

MIKE: Forcing me to study…

 **Serena smirked a little. She ran upstairs and jumped on top of her bed. "Soon, they will all die!"**

SERVO: I'm still a bit confused about what she's going to do… 

CROW: From what I've been paying attention to, she'll try to breed a hippopotamus with a giant taco that craps ice cream.

 **Then she fell asleep.**

##########################################################################

 **Man, does typing tire me out.**

MIKE: Then don't do it. No one'll blame you.

 **Well, it seems Serena will be making the decerations for this 'party'. Will they Sailor Scouts fall and will Darien be killed along with them? The tradgey has only just began or end, I don't now.**

MIKE: If you don't, then who does?

 **Serena- I still think she is evil.**

 **Blackberry14- Oh, will you just shut up!**

 **Blackberry14- Serena! Where are you?**

 **Serena- Right over here!**

 **Blackberry14- Where?**

 **Serena- Right behind you.**

CROW: Kill him! Kill him! ****

 **Blackberry14- There you are!**

 **Serena- O.o**

 **Blackberry14- Lets get on with the story!**

 **Disclaimer- Hahaha, everyone thought that I owned the Sailor Moon girls and all that.**

 **Wahhhhh, I really don't so stop reminding me!**

MIKE: Someone really doesn't have a strong grasp on the concept of sarcasm.  
 **  
The birds tweeted as the morning sun rised up and made the planet alive. Serena moved a little and laid on her side. "Today is the day. Better get ready for the decreations." Serena got up and started with the surprising 'decreations'.**

MIKE: Is he actually trying to spell "decorations" or is he using "decreation" to mean "unravel all of creation"?

SERVO: I think he's trying to write "party".

 **Lita and them went up to Serena's doorstep. Mina went up and pushed to doorbell.**

SERVO: Who's this mysterious Them! Who?! Just tell me already!

 **Serena lifted her head up, "Just in time." She snickered and went to the door and opened it.**

MIKE: She went from "Meh, pillow, bored" to "Chucky III" in record time.

 **Ami, Lita, and Minas' faces went into horror. "So... do you like the decreations?" Serena asked as she pushed the girls in. The girls, then, started to scream. There were blood everywhere and for the streamers was Serena's little brother and her mother.**

CROW: NOoooOOOooo! Nothing gets blood out of the carpet!

MIKE: Where's her father?

 **"Serena... what have you done?" Ami turned to her. "I just made some new decreations.**

[MIKE cringes]

MIKE: Geez, why is he using that word so much if he can't spell it right?

 **Soon, you will be just like them!" Serena started to laugh. "What should we do?" Mina went to Lita. "The real question is why is she doing this?" Ami pointed out.**

SERVO: Huh, what should you do? How about transform and stop her? She takes like twenty minutes to transform herself, so you'd have plenty of time to stop her.

MIKE: Hm. Entire family massacred… let's sit down and have a nice discussion about this.

 **"The reason? Why do you think Rini hasn't been here or that you haven't seen her and that what happened to poor old Raye. Such a shame that they had to die," Serena shooked her head a little.**

JOEL: No, you were going to kill them anyway.

MIKE: My head is killing me…

 **"You're mad!" Mina cried out. "Me, mad? I think not. I am soon going to be happy. Just have to get rid of you!" Serena took out a knife that was behind her back and stabbed Mina with it. "Mina!" Lita and Ami cried out. Mina just had her eyes widen and fell down to her knees real slowly. She then died right there.**

CROW: Wow, who knew. Why try and harvest dark energy to become a huge motherfu-

MIKE: Crow…

CROW: …Motherhugging monster to try and take out the Sailor Soldier, when all you need is a good old fashioned knife.

 **"That's it Serena. You have to see a doctor," Ami yelled out.**

MIKE: You scrapped your knee when you killed Mina! That could get infected!

 **"So I should just see you then? Good, I get to kill you as my doctor," Serena chuckled.**

MIKE: …That just makes no sense.

 **Lita went right next to Ami, "We should get out of here and quick!"**

SERVO: Hm… that may not be a bad idea. Let's consider it for several more minutes.

 **Ami and Lita tried to sneak away from Serena, but she noticed them trying to escape and she blocked the door. "Going somewhere?" Serena asked. "We're going to get the police!" Serena moved her finger back and forth, "The only place you will be at is in your coffins."**

MIKE: Or, you know, dumpsters.

 **Ami began to hold on the Lita, "Lita, is this really it?" Lita started to tear up, "I don't know. I don't know." Serena took out a second item. It was an ax.**

JOEL: I thought Hammerspace only worked for comical effects.

MIKE: Seriously? Have they somehow forgotten they're superheroes?

SERVO: Well, they didn't see that coming, so I guess they're just THAT stupid.

 **Lita and Ami crawled up to a corner as Serena began to rise up the ax. Then there was blood pooring all over the place as Lita and Ami were still screaming.**

MIKE: It sure was nice of them to hurdle to make the smashing and axing easier.

 **Everything was quite now. Nobody moved at all. The blood began to drip from Ami and Lita. "Lord Gemeni." The mirror popped out of the floor, "Yes?"**

 **MIKE: Yup? What's up hon'?**

 **Serena took the ax and broked the glass. "Noooooo!" the mirror cried out.**

MIKE: Wait, WHAT? Why's she destroying Mirror-dude? She just killed all her friends for him!

SERVO: Maybe she developed a taste for murder?

 **It stopped hovering as it dropped down on the floor. Darien walked in. "Serena, what have you done?" Serena turned around and tried to fling to ax to Darien, but he grabbed her by the wrist and gave her a hug.**

MIKE: Oh man, should've let mirror-guy kill him and THEN smash the mirror.

 **"Oh, Serena. Please stop this. This isn't right."**

SERVO: Really, Darien? What was your first clue?

 **Serena looked at his face and hugged him back, "Oh, Darien. I don't know what to do!"**

JOEL: Hm, not kill people?

 **She began to sob on his shoulder. Darien felt a sharp pain at his back. "Serena..." He let go of her and put his hand on his back. "You are such a fool. I guess I have no reason to stay here. I will die with you all."**

MIKE: She's said that so matter-o-factly.

SERVO: Bare with me for a minute… the evolution of Serena's dementia: stage 1, is sad about killing her friends. Stage 2, is bored so murders people at random. Stage 3, makes… decreations… out of her family. Stage 4, just kills anything that moves. Even herself.

 **Serena took the knife that she stabbed Mina with and plunged it into herself. She began to spit out blood and groaned. "Goodbye... Darien." Then she fell on the floor, having no life in her.**  
 **Darien, however, was still alive. He made his way to the phone and called the police.**

MIKE: MY car got a flat tire when I drove into a plot hole. Is this 411?  
 **  
30 minutes later, the police investagated to house. They confirmed that it was a murder then suicide case. They didn't bother messing around with it since the murderer was dead.**

SERVO: And that is why CSI will not be getting another season.

 **Darien was being carried off to the hospital and the only thing he had in his mind was Serena, killing herself.**

########################################################################## ****

 **20 years later, Darien was carrying off his 5 year old son in his hands. Yes, he is married with 3 children. Darien, although, still had Serena on his mind.**

SERVO: Hm. Let's analyse the plot a bit… since there's no mention of the Outer Soldiers, I'm guessing this is Pre-Sailor Moon S… so the world should've been destroyed about 5 times by now.

 **He would wonder if she would ever come back.**

MIKE: …Yeah, let me explain to you how death works again.

 **A little girl, age 6, jumped on Darien. Darien loved her the most**

MIKE: …It's horrible thing to have a favourite child.

 **because she resembled Serena.**

SERVO: Ooh… His kid ressembles a crazy ax murderer! Of course she'd be his favourite!

CROW: How did that work? I mean… did his future wife steal some of Serena's frozen eggs or something?

 **He claims that she is the recarnation of Serena, but nobody believed him.**

MIKE: Way to scar your six year old kid there, Darien.

 **Later that night, he was sleeping in his bed and a young girl went on his bed. "Hello, why aren't you sleeping?" Darien said childishly. "Because I have some unfinished business." Dariens eyes widen as the little girl pulled out a knife and stabbed Darien in the heart.**

SERVO: …Ok, sure, why not.

 **"Goodbye. See you in the after life." Then the little girl stabbed herself and died right there.**

########################################################################## ****

 **The end! Okay, that was a really short story, but hey nobody said it had to be long.**

MIKE: And we are so, so thankful for that.

 **So I hope that you will kill me because I fell guilty writing this but it was still fun.**

CROW: (low voice) Do not tempt me.

 **Well gots to go now. Peace.**

 **Serena- So that little girl was my recranation?**

SERVO: Yes, recranation. She came back to put up more decreations.

 **Blackberry14- Yes and you were her so you finished Darien off as you wanted to before.**

 **Serena- I still don't get it.**

 **Blackberry14- Loser.**

MIKE: Actually, I don't get it.

SERVO: I don't get it either.

CROW: Neither do I.

SERVO: What about you Joel?

JOEL: Huh? What? Sorry, I fell asleep two chapters ago.

[The doorbell rings.]

[Mike opens the door, holding a large bowl of candy. Crow and Servo, dressed respectively as Dracula and Peter Pan, are on the other side].

CROW and SERVO: Trick or Threat!

MIKE: What are you guys going to do with candy anyway?

CROW: I don't know. Annoy you with it?

[Mike shuts the door on them and sits back down in the kitchen. Joel is sitting in the living room].

JOEL: What were they dressed as now?

MIKE: Dracula and Peter Pan. I really wonder where they got the costumes…

[Mike stares at the candies for a while].

MIKE: Hey! I've got an idea! Tzigane, come over here!

[Tzigane slitters over to Mike].

MIKE: Open up, I'll send all those candies down to Erhardt, and he'll be so happy he'll let us go!

JOEL: Huh, Mike. I'm not sure…

[Mike empties the bowl into Tzigane's mouth. A few minutes pass].

(voice coming from the Tzigane's mouth, far away): I hate orange creams! Next fic'll be a real stinker!

MIKE: Ah, crud.


	9. Episode 8

Disclaimer: The original story was written by Christopher Kennard, who asked me to MST it years ago. This is an updated version of the old MST. Chris, if you're out there somewhere, I hope your writing's gotten better.

Episode 8: In the name of the Moon, I am… Luna?

[Mike, Joel and the bots are playing dungeons and dragons].

SERVO: You have entered the lair of Gingr, the barbarian. He greets you with a sadistic smile and unsheats his sword, what do you?

CROW: I don't know, break out the condoms?

SERVO: That's not what I meant by unsheathing the sword, Crow.

CROW: Then when am I going to use those condoms I found in the dragon's nest?

MIKE: Probably by the time we get to the elve's town. If fanfics are anything to go by, they're loose.

JOEL: Alright, I decide to cast a spell of paralysis to immobilise the barbarian.

[Suddenly, the tv turns itself on].

DR. ERHARDT: I'm afraid the only thing that'll be paralysed will be you, once you've read the craptastic story I've found for you today!

MIKE: Not something written by Tara Ebony Way, I hope…

DR. ERHARDT: No, unfortunately… but remember when you sent me those orange creams, and I said I'd make sure to hurt you back?

MIKE: Huhuh…

DR. ERHARDT: I dug up a story by an aspiring young author from down under, called "Power of the Moon".

JOEL: So it's original work? That shouldn't be so bad.

DR. ERHARDT: You'd think so.

[Crow hits Mike behind the head].

CROW: Nice job breaking it, dipstick.

[The lights in the apartment flash wildly].

MIKE & JOEL: We've got original story sign!

 **Part 1  
Luna Powers**

MIKE: Alright, so far so good…

JOEL: We're only two words in…

MIKE: I'm looking for the bright side.

 **"** _ **BRIIIIIIIIIING!**_ **"**

SERVO: Clocks go Driiiiiiiiiiiing, not briiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!

CROW: They only go "briiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing" when you throw them across the room to make them stop "driiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinging".

 **Angela shot up out of her bed.**

SERVO: And hit her head on the ceiling, causing severe brain damage.

 **"Damn mother,"**

SERVO: Her mother is a clock?! Wow, this story is going into new and edgy directions!

 **she complained, and switched off her brand new alarm clock. "Why did she buy me an alarm clock?"**

SERVO: because your biological clock is still on daylight savings, dear.

CROW: To make your life miserable. That's why every parents ever do anything.

MIKE: Oh god, I can just see her going goth.

SERVO: That story really scarred you, didn't it?

MIKE: Yuh-uh.

 **She rolled out of bed,**

MIKE: She shot, she rolled, let's teach her to sit next. Maybe get her to stop peeing on the carpet.

[Joel chuckles].

 **hitting the ground with a thud. She slowly climbed to her feet, walked to her window and opened the curtains. Another new day had dawned, but this was not any old day.**

MIKE: This is a new day with new flavour! Try it today! Only 29.99!

 **This would be the most important day of her life.**

SERVO: Graduation.

CROW: She's going to do "It".

JOEL: the latest issue of Cosmo is coming out. Find out if you're a bitch or not.

 **She didn't know this, and if she had've, she wouldn't have really cared.**

MIKE: Well, she's just a little ray of sunshine, isn't she?

SERVO: Angela, today you're going to kill the president.

CROW: Whatever, I don't care.

 **So she removed her nightclothes as if nothing was interesting at all.**

SERVO: That's a bleak forecast.

JOEL: I'd like to point out how the action of removing a night cloth and finding nothing interesting at all have no link whatsoever.

 **A knock came on her door and it began to open.**

MIKE: (As Angela's parent) Angela, I'm respecting your privacy by knocking, but asserting my authority as your parent by coming in anyway.

 **"Hey!" she shouted. "I'm not wearing anything!"**

CROW: And the door opened even faster.

 **"Well gee," said John, her younger brother. "I was only going to wake you up."**

CROW: And catch a glimpse of you naked, you know, for the road.

 **"Well, Mum's alarm clock did that already.**

JOEL: the entire neighbourhood heard it. It went "BRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING".

MIKE: You threw it against a wall?

 **Now get out of here," The door slid shut and Angela began getting dressed.  
Once she had her school uniform on she went into the bathroom to brush her hair and wash her face.**

SERVO: Then she went to the kitchen. There, she put a toast in the toaster. She waited until the toast came out. She took a plate, and a knife. She opened the peanut butter pot. She took the peanut butter and put it on the toast. She put the toast in her mouth. She ate it.

MIKE: Stop now.

 **Angela was only thirteen years old, almost fourteen. Her brithday was August the twenty-fifth, only two days away.**

MIKE: Geez, who does the narrator think he is? Mr. Exposition?

SERVO: How about trying to work these facts into the story, you know, for kicks?

 **She had shoulder-length brown hair and brown eyes to match it. She also had a fair athletic form, being the fittest girl in her class, as well as being fitter than most of the boys, except for one, Tim.**

JOEL: …Keep on going, I'm dying to know what her favourite brand of cereal is.

MIKE: (snorts) Yeah, me too.

 **Tim was a strange guy, according to Angela's best friend, a half-Japanese**

CROW: And half-human.

 **girl named Hinako. Hinako was also weird,**

SERVO: So, to a weird person, wouldn't someone normal be weird?

MIKE: Tom, what did we say about trying?

SERVO: Right, never try. Trying is the first step to insanity.

 **but that was justified, unlike, to Angela's knowledge, Tim's weirdness.**

MIKE: Despite all her disturbingly stalkish behavior.

 **Hinako's mother had abandoned her when she was about four.**

MIKE: 'Went to buy a pack of cigarettes and never came back. She'll actually show up in episode four, turns out she really did go buy a pack of cigarettes, but there was so much traffic she got hold up for about 9 years.

 **There was never any note to say why she'd left, and never any trace of her. The most widely accepted belief was that she'd killed herself.**

SERVO: When there's no note and trace, the most widely accepted belief is that the person "ran away and is now called Silvia Ramirez, owner of a pizza shop down town."

 **There was no evidence as to why.**

CROW: There used to be, but the police chief put it in his pocket, and then put his pants in the washing machine…

 **But in any case Hinako's dad lost it and was soon declared mentally unfit to remain in society.**

MIKE: So apparently this story is taking place in the 1800's.

SERVO: 'bouts of depression? Have you tried the insane asylum?

CROW: Side effects of insane asylum may include unsanitary hygiene condition, anal rape, and visits by Leonardo Dicaprio.

SERVO: What?

CROW: Shutter Island.

SERVO: Oh, right.

TZIGANE (off screen): Pepsi and Coke are the same thing! Wake up people!

 **So off he went to a mental institution, and on Hinako's fifth birthday she moved in with her uncle. He sexually abused her, touching her and carressing her until one day he raped her.**

MIKE: It's always the uncle, ALWAYS.

 **Hinako told Angela, and Angela called the police. Hinako's uncle was found guilty of rape and had been in prison since.  
So on Hinako went to another uncle.**

MIKE: Uncles are never reliable… see Harry Potter.

SERVO: Grandparents are reliable. So are older brothers and sisters. Cousins are acceptable too.

Parent's cousins are a big no-no.

 **He was uncaring, almost as bad as her other uncle, except he never abused her.**

 **He just ignored her, apart from giving her food and a bed. Apart from that, Hinako was free to do as she pleased.**

SERVO: Well, this documentary about damaged children really ain't that bad.

MIKE: It's a story, Tom.

SERVO: You mean it's not a documentary?

MIKE: No.

SERVO: But all the expospeak…

MIKE: No.

 **So Hinako had adopted some rather strange habits, most of which Angela's mother didn't approve of.**

CROW: These habbits included sacrificing animals, dancing naked on the new moon, smoking heroine and dressing up in a mini-skirts to fight monsters.

JOEL: smoking heroine?

 **She didn't like their friendship, but Angela didn't care.**

SERVO: Wait, who doesn't like their friendship? Angela or her mother?

CROW: (As Angela) Mom, I'm rebelling! Now do my washing up!

 **Angela pulled her hair back into a ponytail and began to put a hair tie into it, when suddenly she stopped and let her hair down. She spread it out and looked at it, examining it, seeing if it suited her so...**

CROW: She would look pretty for the boys!

TZIGANE: (off screen) This story is perpetuating the stereotype that girls hog the bathroom for hours on end.

 **"Angela!" shouted John from outside.  
Angela blinked like she'd just woken up from sleep, or from a trance. **

MIKE: Yeah, most girls are like that when it comes to hair.

 **"What?" she snapped back.  
"Hurry up! I have to pee!"  
Angela sighed and quickly did up her hair. She walked out of the batroom, while John rushed in.  
If you saw Angela and John, you wouldn't think they were siblings.**

MIKE: The real question is, would we care?

JOEL: Is the narrator allowed to talk to the reader?

SERVO: Maybe we can communicate back. BE BETTER.

 **Angela took after her father, while John looked more like his mother. He was a fair bit shorter than she was, mostly due to the four-year age gap,**

[Mike starts to cry].

MIKE: Why must you torture us so?

but his hair was also much bright

SERVO: As opposed to Angela. As a whole.

, **and his eyes were hazel.  
Angela returned to her room and looked at her dresser. There were a pair of earrings, given to her for her last birthday.**

MIKE: And I wanted a Sony Playstation 3…

SERVO: They were sold out!

MIKE: Yeah right.

SERVO: (Whispers to Crow) I had already bought him that nose hair remover.

 **They were shaped like crescent moons. She picked them up, fondled them, then put them down and walked over to the window. Even though the sun had risen, the full moon was still high in the sky.**

MIKE: No, no wait. That's just a bug on the window.

 **"Angela!" John shouted again.**

MIKE: Gosh, how annoying can he be? What does he want now?

CROW: I'm thinking he wants to pee in her room.

 **"First day you're up on time and now you're dawdling, so you're going to be late!  
Angela turned around and John was standing in the doorway.  
"Yeah I'm coming,"**

MIKE: I'm watching you, Crow.

CROW: Oh, come on Mike. Let's I'd go for such an easy – GEEZ ANGELA, WHAT WERE YOU DOING?

MIKE: Agh! Damn it!

 **she said with one final look at the moon.**

SERVO: I can just hear "Moonlight Densetsu" starting to play.

 **She ran down the stairs and grabbed something to eat and glanced at the clock. She wasn't late.**  
 **"You liar! You said I was late!" she shouted at John.  
"I did not," said John, munching on an apple. "I said you ****would** **be late."**

MIKE: (deadbeat) how very clever.

SERVO: So that's what the author said by "This story WOULD be good".

 **Angela glared at John before their mother entered. "Now now, calm down you two. I see you're up on time, Angela. That's new.  
Angela shift her glare to her mum. "Mum! That's not nice!"**

MIKE: (As Angela) Mum, that's not nice! Teehee! Now biatch, I don't care what you think, do my washing up!

 **Then she looked around the room. "Where's Dad?"**

SERVO: Not in this scene, apparently.

CROW: I killed him.

 **"He was needed at the office early," said her mum, handing her a packed lunch. "Here."**

CROW …is your dad.

 **Angela nodded and Angela ran out the door.**

SERVO: Then Angela opened the door, and Angela walked across the lawn, Angela went to school, Angela opened the door to her class, Angela, get the picture?

 **She was always running to school, it was part of the reason she was so fit.**

 **And, of course, she ran because she was up late.**

JOEL: Can't lose weight ladies? BE LATE!

 **When she arrived her form room Tim was the only person there, seemingly asleep.**

SERVO: And syntax is out of the window… alright, who had 8 pages?

 **His head was on his desk, facing down.  
Angela smiled at the opportunity and crept up beside up, and moved her mouth slowly to his ear.**

MIKE: For someone two steps away from depression, that's a bit out of character.

 **"Timmy!" Tim shot up, startled.  
"Don't do that!"  
"Do what?" asked Angela in her most innocent voice.**

MIKE: (As Tim) You mean, the voices in my head are back?

CROW: (As the voices) Now, kill people!

 **"Call me Timmy and sneak up like that," he then rubbed his eyes. "So, why are you here so early?"**

JOEL: I thought she was late.

SERVO: And that's consistency. Who had 9 pages?

 **"My mum got me an alarm clock so I actually go up on time. Amazing that. Why are you here this early?"  
"I always am,"**

SERVO: He lives there.

 **"Any reason why you're so tired?"**

CROW: Busy night of masturbation.

MIKE: Crow…

 **"Bad sleep,"  
"Why? Bad dream?"**

CROW: No, wet dreams, aren't you listening?

MIKE: Second strike, Crow.

 **Tim snorted, then lay** **his head back down.**  
 **"I'll take that as a yes.**

CROW: I thought she'd take that as "go the hell away".

 **Why, what was it?"  
"Why do you care?"**

SERVO: She needs to fill up space.

 **"I'm just making conversation. There's not much else to do."**

JOEL: Come and join us.

 **Tim sighed and sat back up. "Yeah, it was a bad dream. Some friends and I got attacked by a Monster. A Draconian. Two of us died."**

MIKE: Who wants to bet it wasn't a dream?

JOEL: Who wants to bet he's a member of this reality's justice league?

 **"A what?"  
"A Draconian. It's a half-human, half dragon,"  
"Who'd screw a dragon?"**

MIKE: You obviously have never been on the internet. People screw all kind of rubbish.

CROW: Literally. People screw rubbish.

SERVO: That's not nice for Britney Spears…

 **"They aren't bred, they're grown, idiot,"**

SERVO: Everyone knows that! Now do my washing up! Er…

 **"Oh. Right. Of course,"**

MIKE: See, everyone knows.

 **Angela sat down on the desk opposite Tim, carefully making sure he couldn't see up her skirt. She never really liked skirts. Too hard to run in, unless they were short, but then you get perverted people looking up them.**

SERVO: Never bothered the Sailor Soldiers.

JOEL: Is she wearing underwear?

CROW: She's thirteen, pervert.

JOEL: That's not what I meant.

CROW: Yeah. Right. I'm going to put you down as a "maybe" on the list.  
 **Tim put his head back down and Angela smiled at him. Hinako always said Tim was cute and Angela couldn't disagree.**

SERVO: Aaaaaaaand here we go for another long expospeak.

ALL: (deadbeat) yay.

 **He had dark brown hair, untouched by dye, deep blue eyes that always seemed to be looking at something nobody else could see.**

JOEL: Chips

MIKE: Nude girls.

CROW: Nude boys.

 **That was Tim's problem.**

SERVO: Looking at something nobody could see?

MIKE: Dressing at Hot Topic.

 **He didn't have many friends since he was always off in his own world as if he was the Grand Defender of Justice by night.**

MIKE: Hello obvious spoiler.

 **Although that would explain a lot, Angela hadn't heard of many Grand Defender of Justices around. None, in fact.**

MIKE: Hello even more transparent spoiler.

SERVO: She will be one of the Great Defender of Justice by the end of this.

 **In any case, he always kept to himself. Once people tried to make fun of him for it. Only once. Tim punched one of them in the face. It wasn't pretty afterwards.**

MIKE: In real life, things never get solved like that. They always counter-attack. Always.

JOEL: Shouldn't he be put into an anger's management program?

" **When does Hina-chan arrive?"**

ALL: Hina… Chan?

MIKE: No, please God, no!

SERVO: Someone is trying to be cool by using Japanese suffixes. THAT IS NOT COOL!

JOEL: Even if she's half Japanese, this text isn't!

 **Angela was always the last person to arrive, so had no idea when anyone else showed up.  
"Five, ten minutes," said Tim**,

MIKE: I remember because I have no life!

 **sitting back up again. He then pulled a piece of paper and a mechanical pencil**

MIKE: Is it the super mega pencil of death 3000?

SERVO: Doubt it.

 **from his bag and began drawing. Angela sat down in the chair next to Tim and began to watch him. After a few minutes, it was complete.  
"What is it?"**

CROW: My dream. There's me you, and Hina, in that order. Now guess what we're doing.

JOEL: Looking like bad stick figures, by the looks of it.

 **"A Draconian," Tim said. It had a long neck and a head like a snake's. But at the back of the head was a long horn that swept backwards like it was being blown back in the wind. Below that was a humanoid body, two arms, two legs, but also a long tail and a pair of wings like a bat's. It was wearing plate-mail, but no shoes or gloves. In its three-fingered-and-thumbed hands it held a sword and shield. Its feet had three long claws.  
"Creepy," Angela muttered. "You're quite a good artist, do you know that?"**

SERVO: Everyone, say hello to the obvious self-insertion!

ALL: Hi Marty Sam!

 **Tim blushed a little at the complement.**

JOEL: Either that or it's allergies.

 **"Is that how it looked in the dream?" Tim nodded.  
"With the sword and everything?" Tim nodded again.**

MIKE: And it was green?

SERVO: Tim nodded yet again. Then we find out he's really dead, and the wind's making his head move.

 **"Did you and your friends have anything?"**

CROW: In other words, were you nude?

 **"Three of them had swords, two had spears and the last had a morning-star. Ball and chain," Tim said. "Why do you care?"**

SERVO: Yes, why do you?

 **"No reason," Angela sighed and Tim put his head back in his arms. Angela decided not to annoy him and wait until Hinako arrived.  
But Hinako never arrived. **

SERVO: Then Angela remembered it was Saturday.

 **Angela didn't worry, she knew Hinako was probably just in town or something. And besides, she had other friends.**

JOEL: I miss likeable protagonists.

MIKE: When have you ever seen likable protagonists in a crapfic?

JOEL: Good point.

 **But at morning break, she didn't meet up with her friends. She found other plans.**

JOEL: Secret army plans, from NASA.

SERVO: Build an atomic reactor in 5 easy steps.

 **While walking to her usual meeting place, she spotted someone poking around an old building.**

MIKE: Was it the bloke from NASA?

 **So old it was locked up. It wasn't safe any more. Anyone poking around there was a smoker. That's just the way it was.**

SERVO: (slowly) because smoking is not safe.

MIKE: How anvilicious.

 **Angela wandered closer to the building, curious as to the identity of the smoker.**

SERVO: Just, you know, because.

 **He seemed to be trying to unlock the door. Angela crept closer and...  
Tim! He didn't smoke, did he?**

MIKE: That would certainly make him cross the moral event horizon!

 **Angela hid behind a tree and kept watching Tim.**

CROW: Hello? Police? I have a stalker.

SERVO: She just keeps getting more endearing by the second.

 **Tim kept fiddling with the lock, until he finally glanced around, then pushed open the door and snuck inside.**

SERVO: Anyone want to play that game where we predict the obvious outcome to the plot point?

MIKE: Sure. She's going to follow Tim and stumble upon the meeting of the Young Avengers, or something.

JOEL: Or find Time battling a monster, and unlock her own super powers.

CROW: Or open a door that'll send her to a parallel world.

MIKE: …Did you?

SERVO: Peaked ahead? Crow, you're such a cheat.

 **Angela crept out from behind the tree and went inside the building. Tim was nowhere to be seen.  
Angela lay her bag on the ground and held her nose, trying to get rid of the horrid smell of cigarettes. It didn't work.**

MIKE: Not cigarettes, Tim farted.

 **The room Angela was in was quite large, with old rotten desks and chair lining one wall. Cigarette butts littered the floor, but it didn't seem as if anyone had been smoking in there recently.**  
 **Angela noticed a door on the opposite end of the building. Odd. There was room for an extra room in there? And there wasn't a back door, she knew that.**

SERVO: And we're off to Narnia!

 **In any case, Tim must have gone through there.**

MIKE: She just decided that.

 **A symbol of a crescent moon was etched into the wooden, rotten, door. As Angela crept to it, the floorboards creaked a little. Angela tried to avoid them, but there were too many.  
Angela took the bronze door handle in her right hand. It wasn't cool, as she would've expected. Someone had handled it recently.**

SERVO: Who wants to make a joke?

CROW: I would be I don't have the will.

 **Angela turned the door handle easily and pushed it open. A huge flash of light, and then, looking angry, stood...**

MIKE: Tim? Hinako? Toucan Sam?

SERVO: Darth Vader?

CROW: Madonna?

JOEL: Wait, if there are tons of cigarettes remains on the floor, wouldn't half a dozen people have already found the door to the twilight zone?

[A while later].

CROW: Mike sat down and shut his eyes for a few minutes. Mike started to struggle. Mike Had a hard time. Mike really should've eaten more fibers.

MIKE: I really wish you wouldn't do that when I'm on the toilet. Do you have to be in here with me?

CROW: Yes, I do. I've appointed myself as the Narrator.

MIKE: Alright. So why is Tom in here?

SERVO: I'm keeping Crow company.

MIKE: And Joel?

JOEL: Tzigane was afraid by herself.

TZIGANE: Yeah.

MIKE: …Yeah… ok, stay tuned for number two.

SERVO: Don't you mean part two?

MIKE: No.


	10. Episode 9

Episode 9: The Episode on the day after the day after Christmas

[Everyone is sitting on the couch, sqeezed up against each other, looking lifeless].

[After a while…]

MIKE: Nope, there's not enough of us to suffocate ourselves.

SERVO: That and the fact me and Crow have no lungs.

JOEL: I think I'm sitting on something… 

CROW: Hey! That's my hand, I lost it two weeks ago, give it back!

[The TV suddenly turns on, the words "Power of the Moon: Part 2" scroll across the screen].

MIKE: Ah, crud. Here we go again.

 **Her eyes slowly opened. Stars shone above her.**

CROW: And ducks, and candles. Everything you see when you're knocked out.

 **She looked around and saw fairly long grassed.**

SERVO: Since when is grass a verb?

MIKE: Who knows? Reminds me when I was in college and used to get herbed.

JOEL: Er…?

 **Nobody was there to care for it.**

JOEL: There were people, they just didn't care. I blame the internet.

CROW: I blame Mike.

MIKE: What'd I do?

CROW: You know.

 **The girl stood up and looked around.**

SERVO: And she saw fairly long grass.

 **The light from the full moon pierced the darkness around her. No buildings, no landmarks, nothing.**

SERVO: Except fairly long grass.

 **She had no idea where she was. Then she realised she didn't know** **who** **she was.**

MIKE: You're AN-GE-LA!

CROW: You're my sex slave.

MIKE: You're suicida-Wait a second, what did you say?

CROW: Nothing.

 **All she remembered was the faint image of a boy.**

JOEL: That would be Tim.

 **There was a pool to her right, and the moonlight reflected off it.**

SERVO: So no landmark. Except for the pool. And the waterpolo net. Is she in a waterpark?

 **She walked to the pool and knelt before it. She drank a little**

MIKE: And gasped and coughed because of the chlorine in it.

 **and looked at her reflection. She had brown hair, hanging down to her shoulders, and matching brown eyes.**

SERVO: And a huge pimple on her nose.

JOEL: and only one brow.

CROW: And two really big… er, eyes.

 **And she was naked.**

MIKE: …Hello author appeal.

SERVO: What, wasn't this rated G?

CROW: She's thirteen. Sound the alert!

 **Upon realising this she tried to cover herself up. Then she realised there was no point; nobody was around and she wasn't cold.**

MIKE: Still, you might be in a public park or something, with a bus full of nuns right around the corner.

SERVO: Yeah, but that would actually be entertaining…

 **So she rose and walked away from the pool. She walked for a long time, wondering where she was, how she'd got there, why she was there, and, most importantly, who she was.**

MIKE: Why, how, where? Where's Waldo?

 **After about an hour a group of people appeared over a ridge. Three were male, two were female. All but one of the males wielded weapons. One male and one female weilded a spear each, while the other two had swords. The other, the youngest by far, was a bare-handed boy, looking about fourteen.**

SERVO: Gee, I wonder if it's Tim.

CROW: I'm betting all my chips it's Tim

MIKE: Shut up, both of you. We all know it's Tim.

TZIGANE: (off screen) Hell, I'm not even watching with you and I know it's Tim!

JOEL: Aren't we reading…?

 **All the males wore shorts, short-sleeved shirts and a cloak around their shoulders, all a dark purple.**

MIKE: From Hot Topic.

 **The females had the same, except they wore short skirts. Each of them had a crescent moon on their front.**

SERVO: It's a Sailor Moon reboot!

 **The two looked at each other for a while as if they recognised each other from somewhere. The two women looked to the boy to know what to do, while the two men were looking at the girl as well, but at something else about her.**

CROW: They were looking at her boobies.

JOEL: Bunch of perverts.

 **She then realised she was still naked, and they were staring at her breasts.**

MIKE: Now, if she was around 18 or 19, that would be alright, but as she's only 13… all together, please.

All: EW! CALL THE PEDOPHILIA BRIGADE!

 **She screamed and spun around quickly.**

SERVO: So she's mooning them now?

MIKE: That's SO much better.

 **"Stop staring like that!" ordered the boy. "Celma! Give her your cloak."**

MIKE: So Celma will be naked?

JOEL: Let's hope she'll be older.

CROW: Yup, 81.

 **One of the women approached the girl and removed the cloak from her shoulders. She handed it to the girl and the girl wrapped it around herself. "Thank you," she muttered.  
"Narno,**

SERVO: Narno, Celma and… Bob.

 **go back to the castle, get her a uniform and a room," ordered the boy.**

MIKE: Why are they taking orders from a young boy?

SERVO: I'm sorry, I think you confuse me with someone who gives a shit.

 **"Why?" the man with the spear asked. "Who is she?"  
"Her name is Luna. She's one of the Other World."**

MIKE: Candy land.

JOEL: Disney world.

SERVO: France.

 **"Your Other World?"  
The boy nodded and Narno ran off.  
"Who are you?" Luna asked.  
"My name is Mon. **

**We're warriors of the Moon,"**

JOEL: Of course, since the moon is just a desolate wasteland, does it need warriors?

 **the boy said. "We're friends."**  
 **"How do I know that?"**

MIKE: Because it's convenient to the plot!

 **Mon sighed and pointed into the distance. "Not far that way is the Monster Kingdom.**

SERVO: The monster kingdom? Sounds like a bad RPG.

 **You either believe us, or go with them without that cloak you're wearing. And I've heard what they do to defenceless, naked girls is not very nice."**

SERVO: (As Tim) Believe me, I participated.

CROW: (As Tim) Believe me, I used to be a girl too.

JOEL: How uncharacteristic for something called the MONSTERS kingdom, geez.

 **"You're threatening me!" Luna shouted.  
"No, I'm giving you the facts. I know this is strange for you, but you must trust us. All we want is what's best for you."**

CROW: That's what Hinako's uncle used to say to her… before he TOUCHED her!

SERVO: Hinako?

CROW: From this story, part 1? Remember?...

 **"How do you know what it's like for me?" Luna demanded. "How can you? You're not the one standing half naked in a group of strangers!"**

CROW: (As Tim) Fine, we'll all get naked if that's what you want.

SERVO: Crow…

 **"Because it happened to me," Mon sighed "I was the one who appeared in a strange land, surrounded by strangers, except I had it worse.**

CROW: For some reason, they all pointed and laughed.

[SERVO pokes MIKE, who's being awfully still].

 **Nobody was there to recognise me, so they took me to the castle, naked, and interrogated me. Once they were satisfied I knew nothing they made me a citizen.**

SERVO: Of the United State. Zing!

 **As is normal for people my age, I joined the army.**

CROW: So not the US, then. I'm guessing Irak, or Congo.

 **You should be glad I recognised you, Luna."  
Luna looked surprised. The others nodded slowly, confirming the story. **

JOEL: I knew we were in "nod and smile" territory.

 **"You recognised me? How? Who am I?"  
"You are Luna. The rest will be revealed later. For now, you have to trust us. Trust me, Luna."  
"Sir..." muttered Celma.  
Luna turned around and took two steps from the group.  
"Should we leave?" asked the other man.  
"No." Mon said. So the group waited.  
Suddenly an image flashed into Luna's mind. The boy from her memories. The single face.  
Mon.  
But she could swear there was another name to that face. **

SERVO: Yes, it's TIM! We know! You don't have to keep it up. ARGH!

JOEL: You know it's bad when a robot can go "Argh".

 **But if that face was all she knew, it had to be important. Slowly she turned around again.  
"Okay. I'll go,"**

CROW: (As Mon) GREAT! Now she'll never find the safety of the monster kingdom! MWA HA HA!

SERVO: (As Luda) What?

CROW: (As Mon) Nothing!

 **After about an hour they began to arrive at their destination. The group reached a large stone wall, at least ten times Luna's height. At the front was a smaller gate, made of wood and steel. The gate opened as they approached.  
"The gate runs using a telepathic password," Mon explained. "This way no intruders can get in without it, nor can they overhear the password."**

CROW: Unfortunately, the password was "password".

 **Luna nodded.  
Inside there were farms, growing crops Luna had no idea about. Numerous peasants worked the fields, each of them stealing a look at the girl. But that wasn't what caught Luna's eye.  
At first, she thought it was much closer. A huge castle, so big Luna almost dropped her cloak in awe. **

CROW: Someone's an exhibitionist on the side.

JOEL: It's an inverted Disney castle from Magic Kingdom. At first you think it's really big, but turns out it's really small and you're just close.

 **It was impressively large, reaching high into the heavens, almost to the moon.**

JOEL: Let's pretend a wizard did it and move on.

 **It was made of a dark grey stone, or so Luna assumed, with turrets lining the outside in the event of an attack.**  
 **"Big, isn't it?" said Mon. "We can also grow food inside there. In the event of an attack, the castle itself is completely self-sufficient. We don't even need these fields."**

SERVO: We keep them for decorations, we burn the crops.

 **Luna nodded slowly, then the gate opened. Mon led the group inside where Narno waited, holding a small pile of clothes, all folded up.  
"That's your uniform," said Mon. "You have to wear it all the time."  
"All the time?"  
"All the time," Mon confirmed.**

SERVO: All the time?

CROW: All the time.

SERVO: All time time?

CROW: All the time.

SERVO: All the time?

CROW: All the time.

SERVO: Yup, all the time… you should smell the inside of mine!

 **Luna sighed. "Can I at least have somewhere private to put it all on? I'm getting a bit sick of people staring at me..."  
"Of course. Narno?"  
Narno nodded and led the way, up ten flights of stairs until they reached a floor with just doors. The hallways were lined with lit torches, illuminating the halls in the absence of the sun. Narno stopped at one. "This room is free."  
"Thank you, Narno," Mon dismissed the soldier and Narno left. "Go on, Luna. This will be your room unless you get a decent promotion. **

SERVO: sometime in the next ten year.

 **Now get some sleep. You'll need it."**

JOEL: Is it too late to change her mind about going to the Monster Kingdom?

 **Luna nodded and went inside, closing the door behind her.  
As she entered the room she sighed and let her cloak fall to the floor. She didn't care, **

JOEL: Confirming she's Angela.

 **confusion was washing over her.  
** _ **Who am I?**_

SERVO: Angela.

JOEL: Soldier number 110345 for the Empire.

CROW: Emperor Palpatine should be along shortly.

 **she thought to herself.** _ **Why was I put here?**_

SERVO: Plot contrivance.

 _ **Am I supposed to be doing something special?**_

JOEL: Entertain us.

CROW: You're falling miserably, by the way.

SERVO: Is Mike supposed to be bleeding from his ears?

 **She sighed again and lay at her uniform, taking a good look at it. It was just like the ones the other females had been wearing, but without a cloak.  
Luna smiled. **_**This looks like something Hina-chan would wear**_ **.**

SERVO: Who wants to bet Hinako is going to be a soldier for this freakshow?

 **Luna froze suddenly. Hina-chan? Who was Hina-chan? And why was it so important?**

CROW: All those answers and more, later! If we don't all go and drink the drain cleaner first!

SERVO: Yum! Drain cleaner!

 **She sighed and quickly put on her uniform.** _ **Do I have to sleep in this too? Well, he said I have to wear it all the time...**_

JOEL: Yes, all the time!

MIKE: All the time!

SERVO: All the time!

All: ALL-THE-TIME!

SERVO: MIKE! You're back!

MIKE: I tried holding my breath until I passed out. Didn't work.

 **She sighed a final time then climbed into her bed. There was only one blanket but she wasn't cold anyone.**

MIKE: It's alright! She's not cold, anyone!

 _ **Well, goodnight, I guess**_ **, and she was soon asleep.** **  
**  
 **Angela woke up, then instantly began pressing her hands against her body, checking if she was real. Then she opened her eyes and looked around. She was in a bed, her parents at her side. Not her bed.  
"Where am I?" she asked.**  
 **"The hospital," said her mother. "Are you alright?"  
Angela sat up and saw she was wearing a hospital robe. Then she realised Luna, Mon, the Castle of the Moon... It'd all been a dream.**

SERVO: Riiiight… the author expects us to believe that?

MIKE: I mean, really, when is it ever just a dream?

 **"I'm fine, I just had a weird dream," she said. "What happened? Why am I here?"  
"When you were in that old building a beam fell on your head," said her dad.**

MIKE: A beam which had "DEUS EX MACHINA" written on it.

 **"A beam?"  
"It was holding up the roof," **

CROW: So the entire ceiling collapsed on you afterward… don't be surprised if you're missing a few things like… arms… legs… well, anything below the neck.

 **he explain. "Why were you in there anyway? I thought they locked the door and only smokers went in there."**

MIKE: …So they locked the door and gave the key to the smokers?

JOEL: Er, did a beam fall on your head too?

 **Angela opened her mouth to talk, then closed it. She'd followed Tim inside. So was it his fault? Should she get him in trouble?**

SERVO: Yeah, why the hell not, he saw you naked.

 **"Maybe we should let her rest," Angela's mum suggested. "The doctors say that you were lucky but you might have concussion, so they want to keep you here for a bit longer."  
Angela nodded and her parents left.  
Her dream... It'd felt so real. And yet, it couldn't have been real. Could it have?**

MIKE: We know it's real, move on.

 **She sighed and lay back in her bed. Where was Hinako when she needed her? Angela wondered about her dream, then slowly fell asleep.**

JOEL: I figured out the pattern.

SERVO: So did I.

CROW: Yup.

MIKE: Wait, they think she might have a concussion and they're letting her sleep?

 **"Miss, wake up, please," said a female voice and Luna opened her eyes. There was a maid, a few years younger than she was, standing next to the bed.**

MIKE: Whatever happened to child labour laws?

SERVO: Next you'll be seeing doctors in diapers.

CROW: Do not give the author ideas.

MIKE: Or the Canadian government.

 **Luna sat up with a groan.  
"Sorry, I guess I was tired. Who are you?" she asked, rubbing sleep from her eyes.  
"My name is Miuwa. Master Mon has instructed me to be your personal servant,"**

MIKE: Alright biatch! Now do my washing up!

 **the maid said.  
Luna nodded and stood up. "Thanks, but why do I have to wake up?"  
"You have been asleep for a while and Master Mon would like to speak with you."  
"Okay, okay," she said. "Is there a shower around?"  
"There are some down on the bottom floor, but it is not a good idea to use them, Miss,"  
"Why not?"  
"The water comes from a nearby stream. It is very cold,"**

SERVO: Plus it wets the uniform.

 **Luna nodded. "Could you please get me a drink?"  
"Certainly. What would you like?"**

SERVO: Margarita, a little more lime please, more ice too, 1 1/3 once of tequila, not a drop more, I can live without the little umbrella… no, wait, I can't.

 **"Just water, thanks,"**

SERVO: Er, still want the little umbrella?

 **"Yes Miss," said Miuwa and left the room. Luna noticed that the cloak had been taken away. Then she walked to the small window and pushed aside the wooden 'curtains'.**

 **The moon was still very big, and it had been dark for some.**

 **Luna stayed by the window until Miuwa returned with a jug of water. She poured Luna a glass and handed it to her.**

SERVO: WHERE'S MY LITTLE UMBRELLA?

 **"Thank you. Why do I have to be awake at night? It seems... odd,"**

MIKE: But the fact I'm being served by a ten year old seems perfectly normal.

 **"The Moon's power is greatest at night time," Miuwa explained. "So we do everything then."**

JOEL: Who wants to talk about the psychological and physical implications lack of sunshine can have on you?

CROW: You do.

JOEL: Oh, right… well…

Luna nodded and drank the glass of water. Then she passed the glass back to Miuwa and went **off to see Mon. She stopped outside the door.  
"Miuwa?" she asked.  
Miuwa walked up beside her. "Yes Miss?"  
"Where's Mon?"  
Miuwa held back a laugh**

SERVO: You dare laugh at your mistress?! I shall have you hanged!

MIKE: Finally some action.

 **and walked away. "Please come this way, Miss."  
Luna followed the servant girl, passing several people. She quickly noticed that everyone wore almost exactly the same uniforms, except for a few minor differences. Miuwa's skirt was longer than Luna's, covering her knees, and her shirt went down to her wrists. She also wore an apron on her front.  
"Why is your uniform different to mine?" Luna inquired.  
"Your uniform is designed to keep you cool and mobile in battle, since you are a soldier,"**

MIKE: Nothing says soldier like a short skirt.

SERVO: Not unless that's "Sailor Soldier".

 **Miuwa explained. "My uniform keeps me warm while I work."**  
 **Luna nodded, understanding that. "But why don't I have a cloak?"**  
 **"You are not yet a soldier, you are still just a recruit," Miuwa explained as they passed a large door, with a gold crescent on it.**

SERVO: That means you do everything a soldier do and more, but get a cheaper salary and a smaller room.

 **"Nice door," Luna muttered.  
"That is the Queen's **

MIKE: Hinako.

SERVO: Angela's mom.

JOEL: Tim.

 **personal chambers and throne rooms," Miuwa said. "Very few ever go in there."  
"I suppose you haven't," Luna said. Not really a question, but Miuwa spoke anyway.  
"I am just a lowly servant girl," **

MIKE: (As Miuwa) It's also part of my job to degrade myself.

 **she said with a little chuckle. "I would never be permitted to see the Queen."  
Luna joined in the laughter. **

MIKE: I laugh at your misery!

 **"So, how did you become a servant girl?"  
"Everyone who is older than nine years of age is required to work. If they refuse, they are not paid, and they do not eat,"**

MIKE: Ain't that just a fun place to live. Tell me, is it STILL too late for the monster kingdom?

 **Miuwa explained. "I am not strong enough to enlist as a soldier, and I would like to eat.**

SERVO: Yeah, a lot of people have that problem.

 **So I decided to become a servant."**

CROW: (As Miuwa) I applied for sex slave at first, but with my little breast…

 **Luna nodded. "How long are you going to be my servant? Just while I'm a recruit?"  
"No, I will be your servant until either of us die, or you dismiss me," Miuwa said, then stopped at another door and bowing low. "Mon awaits you in here. I will be waiting in your room."**

MIKE: So they can afford to give any random recruit a personal servant? That's just…

JOEL: And we delve deeper and deeper and into "a wizard did it" territory as we try to understand the dysfunctional functioning of this bizarre story.

[Everyone stares].

JOEL: What? I've been formulating that phrase since the second page.

 **"Thank you," Luna said, nodding and entered the room.  
Inside Mon sat on a chair facing the door. Facing him was another chair.  
"Close the door," he said. Luna did so. "Now, let's get started. Catch," he threw a small item **at Luna. Luna didn't expect it and dropped the item.  
"Be careful with that!" Mon shouted.

MIKE: (As Mon) It's a bomb!

SERVO: (As Lunda) Why did you threw it?

MIKE: (As Mon) To look cool!

 **"You're the idiot who threw it at me!" Luna objected, retrieving the item.  
Mon stood up. "I'll forgive you for that this time, but if you should speak to me like that again, you will be severely disciplined. The first rule you must learn here is that I am in charge. You are not." **

MIKE: Who else is annoyed by this character and wishes him to die a slow, painful death?

[Everyone raise their hands]

JOEL: If you have to TELL someone you're in charge, that means you're not fit to be.

 **Luna was listening to him, but the whole time they were looking at the item. It was a small gold pendant, shaped yet again as a crescent moon. It hung from a black string."  
"Put it on and never, under any circumstances, take it off,"**

MIKE: Like your uniform.

SERVO: All the time?

CROW: Let's not do that again.

 **Luna hung the crescent from her neck.  
"Take it off," he said and Luna took it off.  
"Weren't you listening to me?" Mon shouted. "Never take it off, even if the Queen herself orders you to!"  
Luna put it back on, blushing. She quickly decided Mon had a temper.**

SERVO: Luna/Angela decides a lot of things, doesn't she?

CROW: If she can just "decide" things like that, why can't she just decide that he DOESN't have a temper?

 **"Take it off," he said. Luna didn't move.**

MIKE: (As Mon) I'm in charge! You must obey me! I'm going to get you whipped for that!

 **Mon smiled at her. "Very good," he said and pulled a pendant identical to hers from his own top.  
"These are magical pendants," Mon began.**

SERVO: Say:"Moon prism power make-up". Please.

 **"Wait," Luna interrupted. "I don't care what these are. All I want to know is where I am, and what's going on here."  
Mon sat down and motioned to the chair opposite him. Luna sat in it.  
"Did you dream last day?" Mon asked. Luna nodded.  
"What happened in that dream?"  
Luna didn't have to think much. Her dream was still clear and vivid in her mind, as if she had really been there. "I was a girl named Angela. I was living in some sort of strange world, in a hospital. I'd been injured by a beam falling on my head."  
"That sounds right," Mon said. "You will dream again tonight. When you do, you are to ring Tim. Tell him what you've experienced. Don't leave anything out. Trust me on this."**

MIKE: (As Mon) I have a something shocking to tell you… I'm TIM!

SERVO: No shit, Sherlock.

JOEL: Could've been worse, Mon could've been called Mit, or miT

 **"Why should I trust you? You abduct me, then start ordering me around. You haven't done much to earn my trust.  
Mon rose and walked to a window. "Two nights ago my patrol and I encountered a powerful monster, a Draconian. Two of us died. The remainder is what rescued you today."  
"I don't understand,"  
"You will," Mon said and sat back in his seat. "There are two yous, just as there are two of me. There is you, and the other is a girl named Angela. The other me is a boy named..."  
"Tim," Luna interjected.**

All: SHOCK! GASP! SURPRISE!

 **Mon nodded. "That's right. In what we call the Other World, you, Angela are an ordinary school child, as is Tim.**

SERVO: Of course, "normal" is all relative.

 **Here, in what Tim calls the Dream World, we are soldiers. We fight for the Moon Kingdom**

SERVO: Ruled by Queen Serenity, we are at war with the Dark Kingdom…

 **and we are one of the superpowers of this world. Currently our only true rivals are the Monster Kingdoms. However, a lot of our energy comes from our ally, the pacifist Sun Kingdom."**

JOEL: Sounds like the USA-Irak-Canada relationship. I leave it up to you to guess which one is which?

[A loud thud is heard from across the room].

TZIGANE: Ouch! Joel, the fourth wall! The fourth wall!

 **Luna nodded. "How powerful are the Monsters?"  
"Very powerful. They outnumber us and have powerful creatures. However we have magic and training, as well as our werewolves," Mon smiled.  
"Werewolves?"**

MIKE: (As Mon) Okay, cats, happy now?

 **"Werewolves. Some of our soldiers turn into powerful wolves at night. They are very powerful like this,"**

SERVO: The word "powerful" has been said 5 times in the last 5 sentences.

 **Mon smiled more. "We also have our secret weapon."  
"And that is?"  
"Us, Luna. Look at how young I am and I am one of the greatest soldiers in our army. If you are anything like me, and you are, you will be great," Mon then stood and returned to the window. "They didn't trust me. They feared me. But I am a veteran of more battles than most of them. They grew to respect me because I am great and you will be too, Luna."**

MIKE: (As Mon) I also have the ego the size of the empire state building, but that's another story.

CROW: Let's see. Marty Sam, Tim, Mon… notice a pattern?

 **"I can't, Mon," Luna objected.  
"Do you think it's coincidence that brought you here?" Mon turned back to Luna. "It isn't. You have magical energies, I can feel it."  
"But I'm just a girl!" Luna pleaded.**

CROW: (As Luna) I don't want to be a soldier! I want to be a sex slave!

SERVO(As Luna): I'm just a normal girl, but I'm also… The pretty soldier Sailor Moon!

 **Mona clutched his pendant tightly in his fist.**

All: *laugh*

JOEL: And a new character is introduced out of nowhere.

 **"I want to show you something," he said, then closed his eyes.**

All: Oh-Oh…

CROW: Let me go fetch the NC-17 warning…

 **"** _ **I call upon the power of the Moon!**_ **"**

SERVO: MAKE-UP!

 **Mon's pendant began to glow from inside his hand and ribbons of light flew from it**

SERVO: Urgh, I don't wanna see Mon in a dress.

 **, wrapping around his legs and his hands, moulding into a shape.**

SERVO: Oh my god, he IS turning into Sailor moon!

 **When the light faded he wore gloves with steel knuckles and hard boots on.**

SERVO: And a short skirt.

 **"It's light, but incredibly strong. I have slain many Monsters with this, with my magic, and with the power of the Moon," Mon showed off his new outfit.  
Luna laughed. "It's got to be a trick."  
"You want proof?" Mon asked. "Grab your pendant and say 'I call upon the power of the Moon."  
Luna sighed, but did so.  
"** _ **I call upon the power of the Moon!**_ **" she declared and her pendant began to glow too. The light ribbons shot out from it, as they had from Mon's, but they didn't wrap around her body. Instead they wrapped around a shapeless figure in the air, forming a great white light until a sword appeared.**

 **The hand was gold with three crescents, one at the end of the hand and two on either side of the hilt. The blade had two curved edges and was as long as Luna's arm.  
The sword floated in the air for a few seconds, waiting for Luna to grab it. When she didn't, Luna's pendant stopped glowing and the sword fell to the ground with a clatter.  
"You were supposed to grab it, you know," Mon said.**

SERVO: (As Mon) Next, we'll be working on poses, and if we have time, speeches.

MIKE: Could you leave us place a few lines, please?

SERVO: Who's the resident anime buff here?

MIKE: Until I uploaded you with the databanks, me!

 **Luna's face turned a deep shade of red as she crouched to retrieve the sword.  
"Do you still believe this is a trick?" Mon asked.**

MIKE: Hey, if they can pull quarters out of your ear.

 **Luna shook her head. "I don't know what to believe."  
Mon put his hand on Luna's shoulder. "You've done enough today. I know this must be hard to take in, but you have to trust me. Go look around the castle now. Take Miuwa with you, she knows her way. Oh, and, hide the pendant and never take it off."**

MIKE: Like your uniform.

SERVO: So does she hide it or keep it?

CROW: Maybe she's supposed to go hide with it?

JOEL: A little while later…

CROW: (As Mon) Damn, that's the third one to die of thirst because she's been hiding with her pendant in the closet for a month…

 **Luna nodded and began to leave once more before stopping.  
"Umm... Which way is it to my room again?" Luna asked and Mon facefaulted.**

MIKE: Wait, what did he do?

SERVO: He… made a face fault… it's a humorous device used in anime in which characters who have heard stupid things just fall on their face, their limbs flailing or twisted above them.

MIKE: So… he used an anime device… in a literary work.

SERVO: Yeah…

MIKE: Ok, I've reached my limit. I'll gladly take on My Immortal again.

[MIKE gets up and pushes the TV off the table it stood on. The TV falls to the floor with a noticeable sound of glass breaking].

MIKE: There!

[Suddenly, a Star Trek alarm begins the blarein the apartment, while the lights flash a violent red].

TZIGANE: ALERT! ALERT! The Reception Device has been compromised. Procceding to initiative 17-B.

JOEL: Mike, I feel like you shouldn't have done that…

SERVO: I knew you'd be the death of me, Mike Nelson!

CROW: And of me too!

[Tzigane approaches the boys menacingly, as they retreat into a corner of the apartment].

JOEL: Ah… down girl?

TZIGANE: ALERT! ALERT! Proceeding with initiative 17-B.

[A large beam canon emerges from Tzigane's mouth, aiming at MIKE, JOEL and the bots].

TZIGANE: (With Dr. Erhardt's voice) Any last words?

 **TO BE CONTINUED!**


	11. Episode 10

Disclaimer: If I owned MST3k, Harry Potter or Jesus, I would not be writing this. I would be either rich, funny, or taking over the world.

Episode 10: Our regular scheduled programming

CROW: I knew you'd be the death of me, Mike Nelson.

MIKE: How was I supposed to know that Tzigane had instructions to kill us should the TV ever break?

[Cambot's point of view: Mike, Joel, Crow, Servo are walking amongst the fluffy clouds of Heaven. A bright light flashes in front of them and materialises into…]

ALL: Frank!?

TV's FRANK: Oh, it's you guys… what are you all doing here?

SERVO: Wait, are we in Second Banana Heaven? I can understand all of them being there, but me…?

TV's FRANK: Oh no. You're in Heaven's waiting room. The Great One is going to be judging you very soon.

CROW: Who's the Great One… is it… God?

TV's FRANK: God's subordinate, I guess, the angel Nielseniel. Now, why don't you sit down and wait your turn?

[Everyone sits on chairs made of clouds]

JOEL: So how long do we have to wait for?

SERVO: He's going to say a million trillion years, I just know it.

TV's FRANK: Don't be silly. To pass the time, why don't you enjoy some classic heaven entertainment?

[TV's Frank arranges some clouds in a square shape, creating a makeshift television].

SERVO: I have a feeling this is going to FEEL like a million trillion years.

 _ **Do Unto Others**_  
 **Fandom:** **Harry Potter/RPS**

SERVO: Huh, and I would've thought all the Harry Potter fanfics would be in hell.

JOEL: What's RPS? Real Person…

CROW: Seduction?

MIKE: Simulation?

CROW: More like stimulation! Meow!

 **** **Pairing:** **Severus Snape/Jesus**

ALL: Slash!

SERVO: Now that, I would have figured would be in hell.

JOEL: Wait, Jesus?

[Everyone reads the title again, uncertain they read correctly]

 **** **Rating:** **PG-ish**

CROW: Right until the point where Jesus tries out Snape's *Magic* wand…

MIKE: How can you not be burning in hell right now?

 **** **Warning:** **It's slash.**

MIKE: You know, for our first slash fic, this is really weird.

SERVO: What about Oscar the hermaphrodite cat rapist?

MIKE: Oh god, I blocked that out.

 **It's got a real, historical person in it. It touches on religion.**

CROW: Touches it in a very bad place. But that's alright, 'cause it is used to do that by now.

SERVO: So this is from Snape's childhood, then?

MIKE: Let the flames devour us.

[Beat].

JOEL: It's funny 'cause it's true in two different ways!

 **May contain peanuts.**

SERVO: I have a feeling this piece may not be completely serious.

 **Do not drink and read: may cause spittakes. Keep out of reach of small children.**

JOEL: Because homosexuality is bad!

MIKE: But loads of twelve years old can enjoy Postal II for the Wii! ****

 **Extra Warning:** **This isn't Beta'd, because my betas kinda whimpered at the thought. The ending is a little rough, because it might not be the ending.**

MIKE: It might be the middle. I don't know, I was so high when I wrote this.

 **This could potentially be an X-rated fic, if people think it should continue. So far, No one quite wants to read it, so I'm not sure if I should bother. Anyway, all types of feedback are welcome.**

JOEL: Have you ever thought about printing handouts to give at your local church? They might be very… vocal about it.

MIKE: After they're done burning it. And you. ****

 **Disclaimer:** **All Harry Potter type stuff belongs to JKR and her publishers. The copywrite on the other guy has run out.**

SERVO: But have you consulted with his agent? ****

 **Severus Snape allowed the door to his chambers to swing shut behind him as if it were below his notice.**

CROW: You never notice my anymore, Severus!

MIKE: (hysterical) McGonagall's door has a new handle, what do I have?

 **The instant it latched shut, his angry stiffness flowed away,**

CROW: Damn, the guy who sold me the blue pills said the stiffness lasted at least an hour.

 **and he let his back fall against the door as he hid his face in his hands. Here, in his own rooms, he could admit to being tired, admit to being worried, admit to being human**

JOEL: Admit to enjoying playing Kingdom Hearts.

MIKE: Everyone enjoys Kingdom Hearts, but no one will admit it.

CROW: Square, can we have our money now?

 **. Just for a moment, he could allow himself the luxury of being a man,**

CROW: And in two hours at the Cherry Vanilla, the luxury of being a man dressed as a woman!

 **instead of a tool in a war, or a monster that ate first years for breakfast.**

SERVO: Disregard the bowl of half-eaten students-O in the corner. ****

 **And in that moment, he realized that the air smelled ever so slightly of something new,**

JOEL: See, he notices his new Febreeze Spray. But when I bought some for the apartment.

MIKE: Shut up, Joel. We're dead.

 **and he could just hear the sound of cloth moving on cloth. There was another person in his room, despite the wards and alarms.**

JOEL: Voldemort!

MIKE: Dumbledore!

CROW: Kiki the mistress of pain!

 **His wand was out,**

CROW: It's Kiki alright.

 **and his humanity fled, in less than a blink.**

 **The intruder sat on the sofa and made no attempt to hide. His legs were crossed and he rested both hands on his knees.**

MIKE: And picked his nose with the third.

 **His smile brightened ever so slightly as Snape looked at him. Snape lowered his wand and put it away, trying to act as though it had simply been in his hand. He didn't fool himself or the other, but it was the closest he could come to saying "Sorry, I wouldn't really blow your head off."**

[Mike watches Crow from the corner of his eye]

CROW: What?

MIKE: Come on, you know you want to say it.

CROW: Oh, Mike, like I could really step so low as to — "I might blow your other head, though! Bow chicka bow wow!" Sorry, couldn't hold it in.

MIKE: Knew it.

 **After all, intruder was a much less accurate description than honored guest.**

JOEL: It's like having the President break into your home! You don't know if you should be honoured or scared.

SERVO: Depends on what he's wearing. ****

 **Pleasure and fear-laced concern performed a tango in Snape's stomach. His guest was always welcome, but the circumstances of his visits were often not.**

JOEL: First time was fun, but…

MIKE: The second time he came, he brought along his annoying cousins: Famine, Pestilence, War and Death.

 **The uncertainty that had recently plagued him rose up again. Had he made some error recently? Had he misjudged some detail? Or was this simply one of the rare occasions where they would be able to enjoy each other's company?**

[Mike cringes]

SERVO: What's up?

MIKE: I'm on the lookout for any euphemism.

 **Being British, Snape put the question in the short form. "Would you like some tea?"**

CROW: Or some tea-bags? ****

 **"Only if it's no bother." He was one of the few people who could say something like that and completely mean it. He really would not enjoy the tea if it had been a bother to make it.**

[Joel pretends to take a sip of tea, then spit it out]

JOEL: Ugh, seriously, was it so much of a bother to make a cup of tea? I can taste all the spite and bitterness!

SERVO: It's just regular old green tea.

JOEL: Oh, then that explains it. You can really taste the green.

 **And by accepting on such terms, Snape also knew that this was, if not a recreational visit, at least not one that would be rushed.**

 **"Would you like to chose the type of tea?"**

MIKE: This feels like when you go to the Doctor, and then he tells you to bend over, but then spends ten minutes trying to find gloves, and has to take a call, and you're left there with your pants around your ankle and…

SERVO: We get it.  
 **  
"Please." The delight was genuine. Snape supposed that tea had come a rather long way in two thousand years, but it might also be that the man rarely had the opportunity to enjoy food.**

SERVO: 'cept self-cannibalism, when you think about it.

 **Snape's tea collection was legendary among his fellow teachers,**

JOEL: The role of Severus Snape will now be played by a 70 years old woman.

SERVO: Please let it be Meryl Streep…

CROW & MIKE: What?

 **though none of them knew this was why. And although it was extensive, he had nothing that he disliked in it.**

SERVO: Suddenly Snape seems like so much less of a badass.

CROW: Next we'll be learning Voldemort is the captain of his kite-flying team.

MIKE: So that was what all those death last year at the competition were.

 **Snape shed his outer robe as he walked over to the cold fireplace. He saw no reason to tempt fate or test his fireproofing charms by having long billowing robes near open flames.**

SERVO: Maybe not, but when it happens…

CROW: Funny!

 **He tried not to think that he was removing armor. He was not about to get into a fight and didn't need the robes to hide his body. And he wasn't removing the robes to reveal his body, either. He was just getting them out of the way. Really.**

MIKE: (deadpan) Really. ****

 **His guest followed, just close enough to seem eager without being close enough to crowd.**

[Mike grits his teeth].

 **Snape could never say how he knew that—he didn't look back—**

CROW: Must've been the smell. 2000 years without a shower will do that to you.

 **but there was something in him that was just attuned to the man. It was how he knew that his guest had stopped. Snape looked back and arched an eyebrow in inquiry, hiding his sudden stab of concern that his guest might have to leave, or simply cut to business.**

 **"You've got a new mantle piece for your fireplace."**

[Everyone is sitting, looking bored].

MIKE: At least Oscar was entertaining, in a gouge-your-eye-out kind of way.

SERVO: I feel like I'm watching the Antiques Road Show.

CROW: The Antiques Road Show is a high speed car chase compared to this. ****

 **The comment was beyond left field, until Snape remembered that, yes, it had been that long since his guest had visited here,**

MIKE: He could walk normally again. It had been a while!

 **and his guest had been-was?-a carpenter and prone to noticing such things. "Yes. Would you like me to wait on starting the kettle so you can look?"**

SERVO: And stop all the amazing tea making action?

CROW: I'm on the edge of my seat, is he going to pick Earl Grey or Orange Pekoe?

 **He thought for a moment. "No, go ahead. I can look later. I'm sure that the level of craftsmanship will be extraordinary."**

 **Snape slipped his wand back out for a moment, and pointed it at the neatly stacked logs. "Incendio."**

ALL: Ack! Burn the witch, burn the witch!

 **As the fire started to burn, he put the wand away again, and opened a cabinet to pull out the kettle and tea service. "I keep my tea here now," he said as he moved the tea service out of the way.**

MIKE: If I broke the cloud TV, would we be killed again?

CROW: Can a dead person… die again?

SERVO: Maybe we'll go to heaven directly. Or above heaven?

JOEL: What's above heaven?

MIKE: A weekend with Jennifer Anniston?

 **The same incident that had damaged the old mantle piece had also inspired Snape to put the tea a bit farther from the fireplace. "You're welcome to start looking while I fill the kettle," he added awkwardly, only because he wasn't sure that his guest would start looking without a direct invitation.**

CROW: Well, at least we know who the submissive one in the couple is.

SERVO: So Snape will be wearing the leather garment?

MIKE: I wonder if a dead person can have an aneurism.

 **Guilt was for after the visit, not during, if they could help it.**

MIKE: I feel dirty just reading this section.

CROW: The dirt, it won't come off!  
 **  
Snape moved around his rooms getting the kettle ready and doing the little things he did after supper.**

CROW: Getting the baby oil and gerbil?

MIKE: Oi, now we're going to hell for sure.

 **Even though his path never took him near the tea cabinet or even let him look in that direction, he remained uncomfortably aware of the man.**

SERVO: Must keep butt facing wall at all times.

 **It seemed his room was just a little brighter, the air was just a little fresher, and he kept having this utterly disgusting urge to start humming.**

ALL: We all live in a yellow submarine! Yellow submarine! Yellow submarine!

 **In fact, he would have been in a very good mood, had he not been so obstinately opposed to the concept.**

JOEL: Has he tried Prozac?

SERVO: (miming using a wand) Prozacio! Serotonin reuptakio!

 **Even so, his resolve was breaking down slightly, by the time the kettle whistled.**

 **Snape's long fingers performed an elegant dance over the tea service as he prepared the Orange Pekoe,**

CROW: Ah! Called it!

 **and brought the tray over to his small coffee table. His guest returned to the sofa, and Snape wavered between sitting on the couch next to the man, or sitting in the rather uncomfortable chair that would let him keep his comfortable distance.**

MIKE: I'm actually itchin' for Oscar the cat raping hermaphrodite right now.

SERVO: Please, nothing's that bad.

MIKE: At least it had cat smashing action.

CROW: Whereas all we have here is intense tea making action. ****

 **"Severus."**

 **Snape did not jump at the sound of his own softly spoken name, because it was cosmologically impossible to think that he would do such a thing.**

SERVO: Maybe it's just me, but I think Snape is just a little bit tense.

CROW: He's sitting next to someone whose followers have been burning his books for the past ten years, wouldn't you be?

 **Of course, if it had been anyone else, it would have been called jumping. He arched an eyebrow slightly and said, "Yes?" in his normally chill tone.**

CROW: He's always so cold to me!

SERVO: That's how you like it, bitch! ****

 **"Severus, you're avoiding coming near me. You're avoiding looking at me. You're avoiding even thinking my name and I'm here. Should I leave?"**

ALL: YES!

CROW: I'm sorry, person-who-is-obviously-Jesus, but the things I did to you make it hard for me to look at you.

 **How could the man be so sincere and honestly concerned when questions like that would be petulant from anyone else?**

JOEL: Because he's Jesus?

MIKE: Because he's a very good actor?

CROW: Because all the blood going in your groin is keeping you from hearing the sarcasm? ****

 **Snape sank down on the couch and leaned back with his hands over his face. "No." He let his hands move up almost into his hair before they fell into his lap.**

SERVO: Must not touch hair. Too much grease.

CROW: Will be needing said grease later, to make sure everything… goes smoothly.

 **"No, please stay. I just..." I just want to be near you. Snape's thought process kicked back in. "How can you tell what I'm thinking?" He could have kicked himself for the suspicious tone in his voice, but he could hardly struggle against a lifetime of patterns.**

SERVO: Yes, person who has the ability to appear into Hogwarts at will, how can you read my thoughts? ****

 **"I can't. I told you once that I would not read your heart without being asked, and I will hold to that.**

CROW: Unfortunately, your little brain is much easier to read.

SERVO: So your girlfriend's name is Wendy too?

MIKE: No, it says "Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day".

 **I simply don't feel the resonance that means you are thinking my name.**

MIKE: I hear this "ding" everytime someone thinks my name.

CROW: It makes me want to blow my brains out.

 **And it isn't because of Occlumency. That won't stop it." He tilted his head slightly, waiting for some sort of reply even as he removed the only lie that Snape could think of.**

 **As soon as Snape realized he wanted to lie, he felt incredibly ashamed, which was a novel experience for him.**

SERVO: Ah, shame. Christianity's trademark since, well, year 0.

MIKE: Now that he's ashamed, let's go along with the whole brainwashing program!

CROW: Is David somewhere around here? (read Episode 1 to get that reference)

SERVO: Eh, that's a good one. Maybe it's not Jesus. Maybe it's David in disguise.

 **"No. I." Snape considered picking up a teacup to occupy his hands, but he didn't want to know if they were starting to shake.**

JOEL: It's just the malaria.

MIKE: Jesus brought it with him.

 **He stared down at them instead "I don't feel comfortable with the names I know for you.**

MIKE: Lieutenant Pain…

CROW: Mr. Big.

SERVO: Mr. Tea bag.

 **I don't want to use a name for a distant symbol, not when I know you as a man. But I was thinking about you." Being honest wasn't painful.**

CROW: Mike, you're starting to go bald.

[MIKE hits CROW behind the head]

CROW: Ow! Honesty IS painful!

 **The reply to honestly was what could hurt, and Snape realized he was trying to brace himself.**

 **He should have known better. The man shifted beside him and placed a hand on Snape's.**

[Everyone cringes].

 **A distant corner of Snape's mind noted again that the fingers were a bit wider than his own and held a sort of strength that had nothing to do with muscles.**

CROW: 'Tis the strength that comes with a thousand deadly sins.

SERVO: Mike should know.

MIKE: Huh? What're you…

 **They were hands that could hold the world if they had to. "Then I suppose we will have to find a name that you are comfortable with. I've always rather liked Joshua, myself. Or perhaps Melvin."**

MIKE: I don't think people would worship a Melvin. Maybe a Stan. ****

 **That's absurd, preposterous, impossible, ridiculous, ludicrous,**

SERVO: Unthinkable, horrifying, terrifying, strange, odd, banana!

 **so utterly him to offer a solution just like that. "Uh, Joshua. Joshua would work."**

CROW: Works with that big "J" I've got tattooed on my…

 **Snape looked up and finally met... Joshua's eyes to see a good-natured smile there. It occurred to him that perhaps he was being teased ever so slightly, but from Joshua it wasn't painful. Snape broke his train of thought by reaching for his tea. "What is the occasion for this visit?"**

MIKE: The armies of the underworld have allied with Voldemort!

CROW: I'm here to destroy you, you abomination of nature

SERVO: You are to bear the next messiah. Don't ask me how, it's magic.

JOEL: Well, see, I owe this guy some money… ****

 **Joshua looked away now. "I... I suppose it was because I felt like it."**

SERVO: Sure, thousands of people die in an earthquake, but he pops down to see a wizard whenever he feels like it. ****

 **Being hit with Stupefy was less disorienting than talking to Joshua.**

SERVO: Because he doesn't make a lick of sense.

CROW: I'm sensing a trend in the fics we're reading.

 **Snape shouldn't have been surprise that he was surprised;**

MIKE: But was he surprised that he was surprised that he was surprised?

JOEL: If he was not, I'm sure he was surprised by that.

 **yet there he was, completely and totally off guard. Last time Joshua has surprised him this badly, Snape had gone to Dumbledore and joined the Order of the Phoenix the next day.**

MIKE: No, just… no.

SERVO: Insta-convert! But this time I can believe it's because of a spell.

 **Joshua induced surprises tended to completely rearrange Snape's life, but Joshua was also prone to total honesty unless he was telling stories. So Joshua wasn't here because of his father, or any sort of plan.**

CROW: Bringing about the descendant of Christ is sort of a plan.

MIKE: …They're two guys.

CROW: Polyjuice potion.

 **Snape's brain wasn't flexible enough to wrap itself around the idea. "You felt like it? Why?"**

JOEL: Someone needs therapy. ****

 **"Um, because?" Joshua sounded embarrassed, so Snape was sure that his ears were playing tricks on him.**

MIKE: I just, like, totally wanted to hang out with you, dah. Want a smoke? ****

 **"Because." The tone of voice he used could strike terror in the hearts of seventh-year Slytherins. It was that doubting you'd-better-have-a-bloody-good-explanation-for-this tone that no guilty conscience could defend against.**

MIKE: NOW he's going to get out the leather garment. ****

 **Of course, Joshua was the last person on the planet to have a guilty conscience, so all he said was, "Your tea is getting cold." Apparently, scare tactics only helped him to recover his poise.**

MIKE: Maybe he should have him in the forbidden forest for detention next.

SERVO: Hopefully they'll run into Enoby and gothic-Draco while they're there. That would be amusing. ****

 **Snape was about to swallow when his brain caught up with his words. The resultant coughing fit was spectacular.**

 **Snape felt a warm touch on his back, and the choking feeling stopped so abruptly that his body didn't catch up right away. His first gulp of air was much deeper than he expected it to be, and it nearly set off a whole new round of problems. That warm touch slid around to his chest, pulled him back, and supported him while his body worked out just how to act to get the correct amount of air.**

SERVO: Here's an idea, how about just letting him cough and get better normally?

MIKE: That was worse than Lockhart's bone-a-gone spell in book 2.

CROW: Is Jesus a wizard?

JOEL: You may have just set the internet on fire, Crow. ****

 **He was still wheezing slightly and wiping the water from his eyes when he realized that the warm thing at his back was not a thing at all, but a person.**

MIKE: On his back? Ew.

SERVO: At his back, Mike.

MIKE: Same difference.

 **A very specific person. A person whose light and goodness and joy was multiplied unbelievably through physical contact. Snape couldn't help relaxing into Joshua's embrace any more than he could help letting one of his hands rise up and rest on Joshua's.**

MIKE: That is… so very very wrong.

CROW: If Jesus is a homosexual wizard… that really redefines Christianity, doesn't it?

SERVO: Jesus is a homosexual wizard. There's your bumper sticker.

JOEL: Just never use it in the southern states. ****

 **Snape didn't realize that his hand was sliding along Joshua's exploring the calluses and scars that must have come from woodworking until his fingers reached a large mass of scar tissue on Joshua's wrist. He could feel Joshua tense and start to pull away. Before Snape could react at all, Joshua relaxed again and said, "Sorry. It's just some scars..."**

 **"Some scars are deeper than what can be seen?"**

CROW: Like his circumcision scar.

MIKE: What?

CROW: Jesus is jewish, so he's got another scar down there, get it?

SERVO: Jesus is a jewish homosexual wizard. I'll try and see if I can get a transvestite in there somewhere. ****

 **"Yes." The reply was half sighed and the warm air skimmed over Snape's face. In an echo of Snape's own thoughts, Joshua asked, "How have I avoided your scars for so long?"**

 **"I don't know." Snape's hand had started exploring Joshua's again. This time, he made a conscious effort to avoid that one scarred area as he talked. "I keep waiting for it. I keep waiting to remember that letting people close will only let them hurt me, abuse me, mark me. I keep waiting for the moment that I have to pull away, but you make me forget that I'm waiting. When I can think at all, I just wonder if that will make it all hurt worse."**

EVERYONE: …

SERVO: Yeah, ok, that was sort of sweet. One point to the author.

 **If Snape had managed to really swallow any of his tea, he would have wondered if Joshua has snuck some Veritaserum into it.**

MIKE: Nope, just some good old roofies.

 **The thought led him to discover that the fingers of his other hand were still twined around the now-empty teacup. Snape didn't know how he had hung onto the thing through that coughing disaster, but he set it on the coffee table now, and tried not to wonder just where the tea had ended up.**

MIKE: After a minute of passion…

SERVO: It's OK, Snape. It happens to a lot of guys.

CROW: It's the tea! It's the tea! ****

 **Joshua's hand moved, capturing Snape's fingers. "Old wounds are harder to heal than new ones, but it can be done."**

 **"Can it, Joshua? Your scars..."**

 **"No one has ever tried. Not really.**

MIKE: This one time, this lady with the polysporin…

 **I think they expect them." Joshua's voice is soft with regret and forgiveness. Snape thought he heard just a touch of pain as well, but it might have been his own pain instead. It still brought up a chilling rage.**

 **"What? No one ever thinks that if could have hurt to be betrayed? To have your friends deny ever knowing you? To have the world around you scream out hatred while you do your best to save them anyway? Or do they just think that it's been a long time and you must have gotten over it."**

MIKE: When did that happen to Snape?

SERVO: I'm not spoiling book seven for you, Mike.

 **Snape used the voice he normally reserves for Neville's worst screw ups, or Potter on a normal day, but he trusted that Joshua wouldn't think that venom is directed at him.**

 **"I suspect," Joshua said softly, "that they don't think nearly as much as you do, Severus."**

ALL: D'oi! (drool)  
 **  
"Damn." Snape flinched inwardly at his own profanity, but finished his comment. "Joshua, how do you always get me to talk so much?**

MIKE: Tee-hee! I feel just like a schoolgirl!

 **Maybe we could bottle it and sell it. Goodwill and honesty for all." For Snape, the bitter sarcasm was minimal. He knew it, and shifted so that his bitterness wouldn't darken Joshua by touch. Joshua, for his part, managed to move so that they were both sitting up and leaning against each other, though Joshua's head was on Snape's shoulder.**

 **"Severus Snape, you are not allowed to reject yourself on my behalf. You're allowed to decide that you don't want me around, but really. At my age, I think I'm old enough to chose my own friends."**

SERVO: Or not. Remember what happened last time you threw that fiesta with your twelve closest friends?  
 **  
"Friends." Wonder, confusion, surprise, joy, fear, shock**

SERVO: Astonishment, incomprehension, political disengagement, medical equipment used in the insemination of small mammals. WE GET IT!

 **-Snape has them all in that**

MIKE: Forty DVD box set.

 **one word.**

CROW: I'll be there for you… when the rain starts to fall… ****

 **"Yes, Severus, you are my friend." Joshua didn't hide his exasperation or his amusement.**

CROW: With benefits.

 **"Unless..." He paused and Snape was sure he was changing phrase. "Unless you object."**

 **For a moment, the world hung in balance. For a moment, there were two paths that fate could take, and when the moment ended, a path would be chosen, even if it was chosen by neglect. "Joshua." It was suddenly vitally important to know.**

JOEL: What hair product do you use?

MIKE: It's so long and soft and shiny.

 **"Joshua, what were you going to say?" Deep in the core of his soul, Snape could feel something break with his asking.**

 **Joshua let his head fall back to the couch, and away from Snape, so that he could make eye contact. "From the moment, I met you, you were very adamant about one thing. You insisted on treating me like a person, despite what it might cost you. You completely ignored other people, and tried to see me for me. Why?"**

SERVO: I'm going with "for shits and giggles".

MIKE: Huh, I'm thinking "I saw you in the shower".

CROW: I'll raise that to "I spied on you in the shower". ****

 **"Because," His voice was barely above a whisper because he still didn't know exactly what he had chosen. "It's like you always said, 'Do unto others...'"**

 **"...As you would have them do unto you." Joshua gently brushed a stray bit of hair back from Snape's face. "Who would have thought that it would take so little."**

MIKE: It's what you do with it that matters.

CROW: Do unto others… get it Snape, I want it done to me now!  
 **  
"So little to do what?"**

 **"I was going to say, 'Unless you want to be something more to me.'" Joshua's eyes held steady with Snape's as he waited to be hurt again.**

 **[Everyone groans]**

 **Snape stopped thinking. His mind went totally and completely blank. No thoughts. No images.**

MIKE: Mind control. Knew it.

CROW: You did not.

SERVO: That was a genuine twist.

 **All he had was an awareness that the bars that held the pain inside him were gone, and the key to healing them was looking him in the eye. Empires could have been built before Snape managed to think again,**

MIKE: I believe the Sith are up to something sinister…

SERVO: Any idea why this hairy hippy and that pile of bones is in the Dark Star's control room?

 **and he wouldn't have noticed. He wouldn't have cared either. But when he did think, he thought to act. He slowly closed the inches between his face and Joshua's, and gently kissed him with his eyes open to the choice he was making.**

 **Then Joshua returned the kiss, and Snape wouldn't have noticed if his eyes were opened or closed.**

MIKE: Yay! No lemon scenes!

[The TV fades into clouds].

TV's FRANK: So, how was that?

MIKE: Meh.

CROW: Very Meh.

SERVO: It's not so much the writing, as it is, you know, everything else.

JOEL: I still don't understand why Jesus is a jewish homosexual wizard.

[TV's FRANK shifts uncomfortably].

MIKE: Do we get to meet Nielsen-something yet?

TV's FRANK: Actually, no… he wrote what you just watched, and was very displeased with your comments. He decided to return you five minutes before you died and keep you alive as punishment.

MIKE: So, basically, we're going to hell.

TV's FRANK: …Yeah.

[Cambot battery's all screwy].


	12. Episode 11

Episode 11: Six years later, the adventure continues…

Author's note: Writing this more for myself than you, but hey, it's always fun to pry into people's souls, ain't it? So, wow. Just… wow. Never really thought I'd find this again. Wasn't even sure was still around. And yet there it is, and here we are. I even had to use an old account to post this. I couldn't remember how to log in to the other one. Looking back at what I wrote six years ago feels really, truly weird, almost like it was written by another person.

For a second, imagine if the 12th Doctor found some fanfic written by the 11th. Now there's an image, and that's how I feel. Still, it warms the heart to read some of those year old reviews, and reading back, I have to say what I wrote really wasn't half-bad… maybe even just 40% bad. Some riffs you just had to know the late 2000s pop culture to understand, others you really had to follow the continuity of the jokes, others were just nonsensical. Still, I chuckled at some stuff I had forgotten, smiled at others bit. Made me miss writing. Funny how you can just become content, when you're an adult. Makes you almost miss being unhappy or anxious, afraid and young and stupid, because there's hope in that. Hope for the unknown, hope for the future. When you're happy and content, when all you long for tomorrow is another yesterday, it's easy to forget to try, to make that effort that may go unrewarded. Still, I think if I can just get one new review, I'd be worthwhile.

Well, then, ready for another go?

[Mike, Joel and the bots are sitting in the living room of the Satellite of Love Mark II. Everyone is holding a fuming cup of tea.]

SERVO: Well, that was an amazing six years.

MIKE: Yup. Full of adventure, laughter, love and loss. They could've made movies.

JOEL: Truly amazing and unbelievable. The stuff of legends.

CROW: And since we've all lived through it, we don't need to go into the details or really bring it up ever again.

[Everyone turns and smile at Cambot.]

MIKE: Well, I'm adventured out for a lifetime. Who's up for a game of Kerplunk?

SERVO, CROW and JOEL: Me! Me! Me!

[Unfortunately, as so often happens, the best plans of mice and men and robots… well, you know where this is going. The lights flash, the TV turns itself on and Dr. Erhardt shows up.]

DR. ERHARDT: Long time no see, my pretties! Have I got something for you today! An original story about a dystopian future in which a country ruled by two factions is ready to tear itself apart. The Queen of Darkness and the Lord of Chaos vie of the throne, while the last survivors seek refuge in the cold desolate lands to the north…

MIKE: Why am I having déjà vu?

JOEL: It does sound a bit familiar…

CROW: Hey, Larry, who's the author?

DR. ERHARDT: Huh…

[Dr. Erhardt fumbles about his mess of an office for a second.]

DR. ERHARDT: I believe it was written by N.Y. Thymes. Quite recently, too.

SERVO: Yup, you were going to give us an article of the NY Times, genius.

[Dr. Erhardt looks flabbergasted for a minute, than reads up the article in more details]

DR. ERHARDT: Well look at that… But, I mean… Donald Trump to the White House, can you blame for thinking it was a bad fanfic?

JOEL: He's got us there.

[Dr. Erhardt keeps on reading, concern growing on his face with each new line.]

DR. ERHARDT: Wow, looks like Clinton rigged the primaries, and got away with leaking millions of top secret emails, and also that she eats babies?

SERVO: Some of that may be wrong.

JOEL: I feel we're getting a bit too political here…

DR. ERHARDT: It also says she's not nice. Wow, now that's crossing the line…

MIKE: So who're you voting for, Larry?

DR. ERHARDT: I've always been more of a lawful evil guy over chaotic evil… plus, it says here she'll keep tabs and make everyone who didn't vote for her disappear. Don't need that bullseye on my back.

CROW: Well, since the story you were going to give us turned out to be a bust, I guess it's "see ya later, alligator".

JOEL: After a while, crocodile!

MIKE: Don't forget to write!

SERVO: Aren't writings precisely the kind of things we DON'T want him sending us?

DR. ERHARDT: Oh, don't worry, you're not out of the woods yet…. how do you guys feel about… My Immortal, chapters 13 to 15!

[As soon as those words pass Erhardt's lips, Mike lets out a primal, visceral, blood-curling scream. Because Crow just dug his metal fingers into his thigh.]

SERVO: Wasn't that fanfic wiped out of existence?

DR. ERHARDT: It was restored during those amazing six years.

SERVO: Oh, right. Thanks a lot, Mike!

MIKE: What? I don't even remember…

CROW: Don't you mean, fangz a lot?

[Servo grabs crow by the neck and brings him only a few millimetres away from his face — well, his dome]

SERVO: I swear to God, Crow…

 **Chapter 13.**

 **AN: raven fangz 4 gelpin me agen im sory ah tok ur postr of gerard but dat guy is such a fokin sexbom!**

SERVO: A fine wine this story ain't. It really doesn't get better with age.

MIKE: It's more like cheese. Old, crusty, moldy cheese that's been stuck in the back of the refrigerator.

JOEL: That reminds me, did we ever clean the fridge during those amazing six years?

[Everyone looks at each other, unsure. Joel shrugs and goes to investigate.]

 **PREPZ STOP FLAMIGNG!**

MIKE: Yeah, stop flami-gug-ehn-gu. Don't discriminate against the bisexual gothic vampire-witch.

SERVO: bisexual gothic vampire witches need safe spaces, because flames hurt.

CROW: That's right, flames hurt… [lights up a match] Fire purifies all…

[Mike looks perturbed, Servo simply nods and Joel comes back to the couch.]

JOEL: Cheese says everything's fine and there's nothing to see.

 **Vampire and I ran up the stairs looking for Dumbledore. We were so scared.**

MIKE: What was happening again? I need a recap.

SERVO: Do you, do you really? I mean, Crow's this close [He brings his two limp arms close together] to going Ed Sheeran on us.

CROW: I see fire, you see fire, everyone will see fire.

[Mike simply slaps Crow behind the head, snapping him out of it].

CROW: Right, so, Ebony/Enoby/Tara is a gothic vampire witch who's like Stacy's mom with Draco and Vampire.

JOEL: Stacy's mom?

SERVO: She's got it going on.

JOEL: Ah.

MIKE: Wait, who's the vampire?

SERVO: Ebony is. And Raven, but she's in the story for like a millisecond.

MIKE: Right, so Ebony is getting it on with Draco and Raven.

JOEL: No, wait, I remember this bit. With Harry, right? Because he changed his name.

MIKE: He changed his name to Draco?

SERVO: No, Vampire.

CROW: And Ron is Diabolo now, and they're all Gothic. And they've got a band.

SERVO: There's also Enoby's best friend, Bee-loody Mary, who's also Hermione. Also, Hagrid is a Satanist who doesn't have any other factors. Whatever that means.

CROW: Ebony, or Enoby, had to kill Vampire or Voldemort was going to kill Draco, but then Draco killed himself, and now Voldymort — who's maybe, I dunno, Voldemort's special needs brother — has Draco in Bondage.

SERVO: And the womb, don't forget Harry's womb.

CROW: Right, Harry does magic with his womb.

SERVO: There's also a bit where Lupin and Snape are… eating a video? Now that can't be right. [Servo searches his memory bank for a second]. Nope, it clearly says: " **Then I looked out the window and screamed… Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating to it!"**

CROW: Ok with us so far, Mike?

[Mike's eyes have crossed slightly. He shakes his head, scrambling his thought back into order.]

MIKE: Right, so this girl Ebony is a vampire who's in love with another vampire called Enoby and also with Harry Potter, who changed his name to Draco after he became a transsexual. Also, voldymort is into bondage with Harry Potter because of, huh, factors? And there's an audiovisual-slash-cooking club in Hogwarts now. Am I close?

[Everyone stare for a moment]

SERVO: …yeah, sure, close enough.

 **"Dumbledore Dumblydore!" we both yelled.**

MIKE: Just take a moment to imagine Ebony and Enoby going around screaming "Dumbledore Dumblydore!" around Hogwarts. Go ahead, we'll wait.

CROW: Also, imagine them cross-eyed.

JOLE: No disrespect to any cross-eyed reader.

SERVO: …2010 was such a simpler time…

 **Dumbledore came there.**

[Mike shoots Crow a look]

CROW: Too easy.

JOEL: So we skipped right to the money shot, eh?

[Everyone stare at Joel, shocked.]

JOEL: Oh, what? Only Crow's allowed to make dirty jokes?

 **"What is it that you want now you despicable snobs?" he asked angrily.**

 **"Volsemort has Draco!" we shouted at the same time.**

ALL: Oh no! Not Volsemort!

SERVO: He has him in bondage!

CROW: All leather shorts and gimp mask!

MIKE: He's in literal leather pants now.

 **He laughed in an evil voice.**

 **"No! Don't! We need to save Draco!" we begged.**

CROW: Who else is going to put his boy thingy in her you-know what? Her words, not mine.

 **"No." he said meanly.**

MIKE: (As Dumbledore) Since this story takes place in the 1990s, child services are really lax! I mean, kids barely escape death every year and so far all the Ministry's done is suspend me with pay for, what, a few weeks in year Two?

 **"I don't give a darn what Voldemort does to Draco. Not after how much he misbehaved in school especially with YOU Ebony."**

SERVO: Couldn't find a happy middle ground between detention and getting tortured by the Dark Lord, huh?

MIKE: There were talks of making him shoot a live-action film of My Immortal, but that was considered too extreme a punishment.

JOEL: Is it wrong that I would kind of want to see that?

 **he said while he frowned looking at me. "Besides I never liked him that much anyway."**

JOEL: Well, this version of Dumbledore is certainly, huh… honest and straight to the point.

SERVO: (in Dumbledore's voice) Hello, Harry Potter. I am Dumbledore. You've got a bullseye on your back and the Dark Lord will never cease to try and kill you.

MIKE: But don't worry, I've masterminded an overly elaborate scheme to defeat him. Dance, puppets, dance!

CROW: Also, I'm gay. Not that'll ever come up in seven years.

 **then he walked away. Vampire started crying. "My Draco!" he moaned. (AN: don't u fik gay guyz r lik so hot!)**

CROW: Hey, kid, you can't get a girlfriend? Make out with your buddies! That'll bring the chicks around!

MIKE: Ironically, doesn't that work when girls do it?

JOEL: There's a double-standard.

SERVO: It's on the list of things to fix. Right between the wage gap and [pauses for a moment] the male gaze.

CROW: You were going to say that other thing, weren't you?

SERVO: What other thing?

CROW: The other thing that's not OK to joke about.

SERVO: …yeah.

 **"Its okay!" I tried to tell him but that didn't stop him. He started to cry tears of blood. Then he had a brainstorm.**

SERVO: Today's forecast calls for mangled Potter grey matter. With a chance of sunshine in the afternoon.

CROW: And now over to Mike and Joel with sports!

JOEL: Thank you, Crow. Unfortunately, today's quidditch match has been canceled.

MIKE: The vampires ate the entire team.

 **"I had an idea!" he exclaimed.**

MIKE: But it's gone now.

 **"What?" I asked him.**

 **"You'll see." he said. He took out his wand and did a spell. Then… suddenly we were in Voldemprt's lair!**

MIKE: Who knew it was that easy!

JOEL: Rowling really wasted her time writing all those books, didn't she.

CROW: To think everything could've been solved in seconds.

SERVO: Voldemort's gone into hiding! What are we going to do?

CROW: Hocus Pocus.

SERVO: Oh, look, there he is.

 **We ran in with our wands out just as we heard a croon voice say. "Allah Kedavra!"**

 **It was….. Voldemort!**

 **Chapter 14.**

 **AN: fuk off PREPZ ok! Raven fangz 4 helpin agen.**

SERVO: Did she give Raven her poster back? I'm genuinely more interested in that than in the fic.

CROW: That's a good question.

MIKE: Really good question.

[Everyone leans forward, suddenly interested.]

 **im sory ah kudnt update but I wuz derperessd n I had 2 go 2 da hospital kuz I slit muh rists. PS im nut updating til u giv me 10 god revoiws!**

MIKE: Whoever gave the reviews were probably the same people who were there when Hitler was like "I'm not going to exterminate the Jews until you give me million good votes!"

CROW: Fangz.

 **WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD.**

MIKE: That's like a murderer telling his victim "from here, things might get uncomfortable".

SERVO: They say murder's never a solution, but…

JOEL: Who says that?

CROW: People who have never read this fic.

 **We ran to where Volcemort was. It turned out that Voldemort wasn't there.**

MIKE: Well, just run to where Voldemort really was!

JOEL: 'cept he wasn't really there.

SERVO: I don't think anybody's really there. All there, I mean.

 **Instead the fat guy who killed Cedric was.**

 **[Mike has to think for a moment, and then it clicks.]**

Mike: Oh, right, Wormtail! That escaped me for a moment.

 **Draco was there crying tears of blood. Snaketail was torturing him.**

MIKE: How can I be both wrong and right at the same time?

SERVO: This fic is warping the laws of reality…

[Cambot's cam moves slightly to the left, revealing a dimensional tear slowly opening next to Crow. Writhing tentacles are emerging from the chaos.]

CROW: [Turns to Cambot.] This is fine.

 **Vampire and I ran in front of Snaketail.**

 **"Rid my sight you despicable preps!" he shouted as we started shooting him with the gun he Then suddenly he looked at me and he fell down with a lovey-dovey look in his eyes. "." he said. (in dis he is sixteen yrs old so hes not a pedofile ok)**

JOEL: Ah, well, whew, that's a relief.

SERVO: I was really concerned about that, really.

MIKE: Keeps me up at night.

 **"Huh?" I asked.**

SERVO: Such eloquence. Shakespearian.

 **"Enoby I love you will you have sex with me?" asked Snaketail. I started laughing crudely. "What the fuck? You torture my bf and then you expect me to fuck you? God, you are so fucked up you fucking bastard."**

MIKE: So, was that a yes or…?

SERVO: Honestly, just take into account how the fic is written and Ebony's characterization… you just can't tell if she's angry or horny.

 **I said angrily.**

SERVO: Somehow, even that doesn't clear things up.

 **Then I stabbed him in the heart. Blood pored out of it like a fountain.**

 **"Nooooooooooooo!" he screamed. He started screaming and running around.**

JOEL: Imagine it, arms flailing. We'll wait.

 **Then he fell down and died. I brust into tears sadly.**

 **"Snaketail what art thou doing?" called Voldemort.**

MIKE: I just have this image of Voldemort getting back from the can, putting his phone back in his pocket after a game of Candy Crush.

CROW: Yeah, like: "Snaketail, take over torturing Draco for me for a minute, I need to go do a number 2."

 **Then… he started coming!**

[Mike isn't sure if he should be looking at Crow or Joel.]

 **We could hear his high heels clacking to us.**

ALL: (singing) Pretty woman… walking down the evil lair… pretty woman…

 **So we got on our broomsticks and we flew to Hogwarts.**

MIKE: (nodding) Of course. Because.

SERVO: I can just see Draco still chained to the wall looking Dumbfounded, like "what the hell, you forgot me!"

 **We went to my room. Vampire went away. There I started crying.**

SERVO: The Xanax are wearing off.

 **"What's wrong honey?" asked Draco taking off his clothes so we could screw. He had a sex-pack (geddit cuz hes so sexah) and a really huge you-know-what and everything.**

MIKE: No, we don't.

JOEL: So let's play…

SERVO and CROW: FILL IN THE BLANK!

MIKE: Alright! He had a really huge…

JOEL: Crippling debt, because the wizarding life insurance for students shot up through the roof in the last seven years.

CROW: Attention deficit disorder! No, wait, that's the author.

SERVO: BO problem, which is normal for someone who's been dead in bondage for weeks.

 **"Its so unfair!" I yielded. "Why can't I just be ugly or plain like all da other girls and preps here except for B'loody Mary, because she's not ugly or anything."**

MIKE: I feel your pain, it's not easy being so awesome. My mum would often say "don't make the other boys feel bad with your awesomeness".

[Crow and Servo share a look]

JOEL: (innocently) I didn't know you had a brother.

 **"Why would you wanna be ugly? I don't like the preps anyway. They are such fucking sluts." answered Draco.**

 **"Yeah but everyone is in love with me! Like Snape and Loopin took a video of me naked. Hargrid says he's in love with me. Vampire likes me and now even Snaketail is in love with me! I just wanna be with you ok Draco! Why couldn't Satan have made me less beautiful?" I shouted angrily. (an" don't wory enoby isn't a snob or anyfing but a lot of ppl hav told her shes pretty) "Im good at too many things! WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT'S A FUCKING CURSE!" I shouted and then I ran away.**

[Everyone is reaching for the tissues and wiping away pretend tears.]

MIKE: Poor Ebony, poor, poor Enoby.

SERVO: She's such a relatable and touching character.

JOEL: You really just want to comfort her, tell her nobody chooses to be so perfect, and take her in your arms and…

CROW: Snuff the life out of her.

[Everyone moves away from Crow.]

 **Chapter 15.**

 **AN: stup flaming ok! btw u suk frum no on evry tim sum1 flams me im gona slit muh ristsz!**

[Everyone starts spewing indistinct vitriol.]

MIKE: And in other news, the American Red Cross is organising a blood drive for Enoby.

 **fangz 2 raven 4 hlpein!**

 **"Ebony Ebony!" shouted Draco sadly. "No, please, come back!"**

MIKE: (softly and unenthused) No, come back, please. The world needs you.

 **But I was too mad.**

 **"Whatever! Now u can go anh have sex with Vampire!" I shouted. I stormed into my room and closed my black door with my blood-red key. It had a picture of Marylin Manson on it. He looked so sexy in a way that reminded me of Draco and Vampire.**

JOEL: Go and google Marilyn Manson in 2016. Now cry because you're old.

[A distinctively loud crashing sound is heard from off screen]

TZIGANE: Well, there goes the fourth wall!

 **I started to cry and weep. I took a razor and started to slit my wrists. I drank the blood all depressed.**

JOEL: Won't it just slip back out of her?

MIKE: I suppose that's what they call a self-sustaining food chain.

CROW: Know what this food chain needs?

MIKE: Buffy?

JOEL: Blade?

SERVO: The Winchesters?

 **Then I looked at my black GC watch and noticed it was time to go to Biology class.**

 **I put on a short ripped black gothic dress that said Anarchy on the front**

MIKE: Oh, good. Another mindless wardrobe description. Hadn't had to suffer through one of those in a while.

 **in blood red letters and was all ripped and a spiky belt. Under that I put on ripped black fishnets and boots that said Joel all over them with blood red letters. I put my ebony black hair out. Anyway I went downstairs feeling all sad and depressed as usual. I did sum advanced Biology work. I was turning a bloody pentagram into a black guitar.**

JOEL: Now that's some very odd biology.

MIKE: That course certainly's changed since I was in High School.

SERVO: (chuckles) They had guitars back then?

CROW: (snickers) They has biology back then?

 **Suddenly the guitar turned to Draco!**

 **"Enoby I love you!" he shouted sadly. "I dnot care what those fucker preps and posers fink. Ur da most beautiful girl in the world. Before I met you I used to want to commit suicide all the time.**

SERVO: And now only every other time!

CROW: The suicide hotline actually called to make sure I was okay; I hadn't phoned them in a while.

 **Now I just wanna fucking be with you. I fucking love you!." Then…. he started to sing "Da Chronicles of Life and Death" (we considered it our song now cuz we fell in love when Joel was singing it) right in front of the entire class! His singing voice was so amazing and gothic and sexxy like a cross between Gerard, Joel, Chester, Pierre and Marilyn Manson**

SERVO: And that would sound like…

[SERVO and CROW clear their throats]

SERVO and CROW: (in high-pitched, chipmunk voices) You come in cold, you're covered in blood, They're all so happy you've arrived…

 **(AN: don't u fink dos guyz r so hot. if u dnot no who dey r get da fuk out od hr!) .**

 **"OMFG." I said after he was finished. Some fucking preps stared at us but I just stuck up my middle fingers (that were covered in black nail polish and were entwined with Draco's now) at them. "I love you!" I said and then we started to kiss just like Hilary Duff (i fukin h8 dat bitch) and CMM in a Cinderella Story.**

SERVO: A goffik movie if there ever was one.

 **Then we went away holding hands. Loopin shouted at us but he stopped cuz everyone was clapping by how sexy we looked 2gether. Then I saw a poster saying that MCR would have a concert in Hogsmede right then.**

MIKE: My God, life is convenient.

JOEL: Isn't it just.

[Suddenly, the moldy cheese from the fridge pops out from behind the couch and grabs Joel, who struggles against the cheesy grip. Cambot moves his cam slightly to the right so the rest of the fight takes place off screen. Numbed by the fic, the rest don't react.]

 **We looked at each other all shocked and then we went 2gether.**

[Later, the gang is playing Kerplunk, while Joel is still fighting the cheese indistinctively in the background.]

MIKE: So one of the bestselling book ever was a Twilight fanfiction?

SERVO: Yup. Just a few details changed here and there and boom! As long as there's penis in there, it sails.

MIKE: And they say men are perverted.

CROW: I know, right? I mean, you gotta be pretty sick to enjoy something that originated from Twilight.

MIKE: Makes me think, maybe we should think about selling all those fics. Might be worth something.

SERVO: Unfortunately, you don't own any of them.

[Suddenly, Joel pops in next to them. He is wearing dark and tight clothes, and his face is smeared with red and white makeup.]

SERVO: Yikes! Joel, are you alright buddy?

JOEL: The cheese did things to me. I'm all depressed and goffik now. My name is Super Dark Tortured Undead Man.

[Beat.]

JOEL: Also, I'm a vampire.

[Beat. No one reacts.]

JOEL: I also support Trump.

[Everyone screams and runs away.]

And that's it! How fun was that? Hope you enjoyed it! See you in another six years!

Also, don't get offended with the political stuff. I'm Canadian, so my opinion on the subject doesn't matter.


End file.
